Getting over someone when it’s not been a conventional relationship

[NearHit]

I came close to having an affair, was certainly on the boundary of an ‘emotional affair’ however we’ve both agreed it would’ve been a very bad thing (both married, ostensibly happily). And of course I never thought I would be susceptible but I am where I am.

This person is not actively in my life, I would have to intentionally seek him out. But goodness I’m missing talking to him. It’s been nearly a month now of no contact, and I thought I was okay at first, but these last few days particularly have been hard. Lots of intrusive thoughts.

I’ve never broken up with someone where we both would in some ways want to continue so this doesn’t compare to previous heartbreak. (And to be fair I’ve always been the dumped, not the dumpee!)

I’m not at all tempted to message him as I know that’ll just set us both back, but I’m also really struggling, trying to keep busy, put energy back in to my marriage etc. How long until this passes? 😣

I can anticipate that some advice will be to tell my husband, but that would be cruel as nothing actually happened and the hurt would be awful. I can’t do that to him just to fix my problem or assuage my guilt.

Personally I think you should at the very least end things with your husband so that he doesn't have to live a lie. You shouldn't get to play god with people's lives - would he want to stay with you if he knew? Who knows. Its not your decision

In the real world many people in marriages or committed relationships do feel attraction or even develop unwise friendships with people of the opposite sex without it ever being an affair. No need to disclose absolutely everything to a spouse. Discretion is the better part of valour in the majority of these cases.

Gross. I'm thankful for being single!

I think keep doing what you're doing, keeping busy and working on your marriage and it will pass. A month is not a long time! Maybe there was a void in your life that this relationship was filling? If so, think about what you can do to enrich your life, are you looking for more connection? New hobbies, new friendships, volunteering, community projects - these are all ways of finding new connections and living a more fulfilling and active life.

This is MN, OP, where you will be told to end your marriage, put your kids in care, assign your home and savings over to your DH, don sackcloth and ashes and wear a big sign saying “scarlet woman” and spend the rest of your life roaming the streets.

In the real world, you had a crush on someone. It happens. Thankfully you saw sense and no one’s lives got ruined.

Of course you will feel bad. But tell yourself that today is the worst you will feel and that as each day passes, you will feel less pain.

And keep busy. It helps.

Ah that explains your original response @OriginalSkang !

Who was saying recently about nuance being lost in modern discourse 😂

Not that I’m seeking to excuse anything but both DH and I have had an objectivity shitty few years due to circumstances outwith our control. So no, I won’t be breaking up my marriage.

Luckily for my actual issue that I’m seeking help with there are some useful posts in the similar threads links below.

Well done for being sensible and it will pass.

Remind yourself that the reality if you’d pursued it - or even got to know him better - is quite likely to have been underwhelming, or to have left you feeling much worse than you do now.

Years ago I met someone with whom I would have had a relationship if we’d both been single. It was mutual. We’ve always managed to maintain a platonic and supportive relationship, and kept things appropriate. As his children have grown up and I’ve had my own, I’m always so glad we didn’t put ourselves first. The pressure for it to work amidst such devastation for others would have been a killer, anyway.

Ah sorry posted before I saw the next two responses. Thank you for your compassionate understanding @THisbackwithavengeance and @whippersnapper55!

It’s just another shitty thing to deal with (albeit a lot easier in many ways than the other shitty things).

I’ll come back & update if I’m ever properly over it!

Yeah I always wondered what people mean by emotional affair, and I think it’s when you say things you wouldn’t want your partner to hear.

However I say stuff to my best friends I wouldn’t necessarily want DH to hear too!

In my case it was clear also that we had sexual feelings too.

Phone calls & messages and a couple of in person coffees - the last one was when we really realised it was going too far and decided to call quits on what we were pretending (in hindsight, it’s too easy to self - delude I’ve found out the hard way) was just a friendship.

Just stop thinking about it / him. Give it no headspace. Push it away. Don't make threads about it.

I don't know what you mean by that? I'm single because I found my husband was cheating on me. You think I'd be happier if I hadn't found out?

True!

I thought I was doing so well, in the clear, but last few days have been hellish. The more I try not to think about him (and of course my marriage & what it all means, of course I can’t help but consider that, I’m not a monster) the harder it’s been.

I keep trying to remind myself I’ve recovered from broken relationships in the past. But this is different - it was never a relationship, and it’s not broken, it’s been consciously severed.

Genuinely really sorry to hear that.

We’ve known each other a while (too outing to say how we met) and calls/messages then coffees with just the two of us if that makes sense. Sorry I’m being deliberately vague.

Did you keep these messages and coffee dates secret from your husband OP - because if you did, you have already strayed into emotional affair territory
Something very similar happened to me, my husband was the one who developed a "friendship" with another woman. I could sense something was wrong, I just knew. His phone pinged 3 times early one morning so I picked it up from bedside table to take to him, it pinged up with most of a message whilst I was walking.
Thing is it would have been much easier if he had just had an open chat with me about it. Much easier for me to forgive and move on and address issues. The secrecy took away my agency.
Don't think for a minute he won't notice something is going on whilst you get over your Limerance.
Check out Surviving Infidelity - section for you on getting over someone/Limerance.

Coffee ‘dates’ weren’t secret no. Bits of the conversation at the last one, absolutely secret.

I admit I was naive in how it escalated.

And sadly there’s too much other stuff going on for DH to really notice any potential change in my behaviour, no shade on him, just other circumstances.

I always thought limerence was a one sided crush with no bearing in reality. Whereas this was definitely mutual, and feelings had developed on both sides. Obviously no telling if that could’ve translated to a real relationship had we both been single, we’ll never know. (Which adds to my current struggle I think)

But I’ll check out that site, thanks.

The opposite I think, too much going on and this was escapism!

No it was where it was going which was the issue, and now my problem is I can’t stop
thinking about it.

Date your husband. Whatever other stressors there are on your marriage if you want to stay in it you need to invest in it.

Sound advice.