Getting over someone when it’s not been a conventional relationship

[NearHit]

I came close to having an affair, was certainly on the boundary of an ‘emotional affair’ however we’ve both agreed it would’ve been a very bad thing (both married, ostensibly happily). And of course I never thought I would be susceptible but I am where I am.

This person is not actively in my life, I would have to intentionally seek him out. But goodness I’m missing talking to him. It’s been nearly a month now of no contact, and I thought I was okay at first, but these last few days particularly have been hard. Lots of intrusive thoughts.

I’ve never broken up with someone where we both would in some ways want to continue so this doesn’t compare to previous heartbreak. (And to be fair I’ve always been the dumped, not the dumpee!)

I’m not at all tempted to message him as I know that’ll just set us both back, but I’m also really struggling, trying to keep busy, put energy back in to my marriage etc. How long until this passes? 😣

I can anticipate that some advice will be to tell my husband, but that would be cruel as nothing actually happened and the hurt would be awful. I can’t do that to him just to fix my problem or assuage my guilt.

look up disenfranchised grief

Look up Gottman.

Read his seven principles of making marriage work and his dates book (eight dates I think it’s called).

Buy them and do all the activities with your spouse. The grass is greenest where you water it. Maybe the only reason it looks green over the fence is because there’s a sewerage leak underground 😁.

Finding someone attractive is normal. Overstepping a boundary where you wouldn’t want your spouse to see it is cheating.

The book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass may be useful - I think it may explain your withdrawal symptoms.

I can’t abide people who cheat on their spouse. I’m faithful for me. My integrity matters to me. My spouse is irritating at times, he can’t make me cheat, he’s not powerful enough. If you work out why you are faithful and why you do it for you that may help your focus.

A crush is normal but it stops there. Its when you start to make it clear to the person it’s stepping over a boundary. Glass discusses walls and windows. Worth reading.

I can relate to this although my feelings for the other person were completely one sided. We worked together and I found myself seeking out time when we could specifically work together, we shared lifts home etc. Nothing happened and I never told the other person, or anyone else. The whole thing came to an end when they got married and shortly after moved home and job. I didn’t keep in touch but it did signal the beginning of the end of my marriage. I think for you OP, give yourself a bit of time and look at what might have made you look elsewhere. The answer might surprise you.

For God's sake don't tell your husband because it will ruin your marriage and nothing happened anyway.
We are all guilty of building castles in the sky - that's all this is imagining something that MIGHT have happened if you had gone ahead. But it never happened.
This guy would probably have turned out to be a complete shit anyway.
Go and watch Brief encounter, it's an old film but a good one about this exact thing.

It's a broken dream though, a broken possibility for something amazing, a broken hope. He's someone who meant something to you, so losing him is bound to be hard. You've done really well ending things before they went any further. Now your biggest friend is time. Don't fight the feelings or indulge them, just notice them and get on with your life. They will gradually fade.

I used to give my head a physical shake to shake the thoughts out, then get on with something else.

Limerence may still be a useful framing for what you're going through because you're addicted to the little dopamine hits of thinking about him, messaging him, etc.

Stay strong. This too will pass.

My ex did this, more than once. Was never explicit/honest about it, but eventually the little tells add up until they're not little any more.

It's a fucking awful, degrading thing to go through.

Tell him or don't, but if you don't, don't be surprised if he starts picking up on signs and distancing himself.

God you get such a hard time on here for having a crush and then cutting them off. Sounds like you did the right thing. It's not marriage ending. Not seeing them will help.

The problem with crushes is they only show the good in a person when there's quite a lot of reality thats just not sexy. Like stinking out the toilet or having a horrible cold and malingering in the dressing gown of doom. Or taking the wrong turn off the motorway then shouting about it. All your own non-sexy is just as hidden to your crush as his is to you. The joy of your marriage is you've found a way to accommodate each others faults. Also correct me if I'm wrong but presumably your dh is great company and you haven't yet had chance to find out if this man is good company in day to day life. Just in isolated incidents. Its not the same as someone you can just live with, get on with, see the worst of and still love.

A marriage is a totally different thing to a love affair and a love affair is always going to look better than a marriage but it's fleeting and you can't compare the two things.

You stopped it in time. Don’t tell your DH. Any guilt you’re carrying is yours to carry - don’t try to absolve that by baring your soul to him. Allow yourself plenty of time for this to fade.

It does sound like it was a close call for you both @NearHit - you have realised that boundaries were being overstepped and you’ve parted ways. I’d say you’ve both done the right thing.

take a good look inside yourself and try to work out what’s missing between your DH and you - what did the other person provide that you’re not getting in your marriage?

Your feelings will pass for the other person. Do you need to work with him at all? Or is there no chance of having contact with each other unless you actively seek each other out?

You say you won't be breaking up your marriage, but what you haven't said is how you actually feel about your husband.

Did you choose to stay in your marriage because you actually love your husband more than the other man?

Or did you choose your husband because you've got kids and a house together and you can't face the upheaval of a split, or don't think you could manage financially if you separated? Or because you feel guilty about the idea of divorcing your husband due to him going through something difficult like a serious illness or something?

Because I think that makes a huge difference here. If you chose your marriage because you truly love your husband more than the other man, that's one thing. But if in your heart you know you would much rather be with the other man and have only stayed with your husband out of duty/laziness... that's going to be a lot harder to move past.

No I don’t work with the other man, I would have to actively contact him to see him. So there that, at least.

I love my husband and our marriage is generally pretty solid, he’s a very decent man, we’re best friends, he’s supportive, affectionate, kind, we have plenty common interests etc. What we also have is everyday stresses and at the moment some pretty big ones. Recognising the potential causes isn’t particularly helpful in trying to forget about this other man though.

No, it won’t help you forget about him, but it will show areas that you can work on and throw yourself into building with DH. Try cognitive shuffling whenever a thought of the other man pops into your brain and list reasons you love your husband and your marriage.

I don’t agree(with the film analogy! I agree don’t tell your husband!)—they were both up for it in that movie. They kissed and met in a flat ready to do the deed. They got interrupted and chickened out.
OP has stopped it before any of this happened (I’m assuming “nothing happened” means no kissing @NearHit?)

It sounds like you have one of the good ones, OP. Hold on to him with both hands. These feelings for the other guy will pass and you will be so glad you didn’t blow up both your lives.

It sounds like a huge amount of this near-miss was about the dream of an easier life. Less stressors. If things are becoming overwhelming your subconscious can become primed to look for a way out.

You recognised the danger and drew back. Are there any ways you can work on reducing the external stressors?

In time the intrusive thoughts will fade, but it can take time. It can be worth keeping in mind that although you felt a connection, a fair bit of that was some degree of illusion because you didn't really know him at all. The strong urge to change that would probably be a lot lot less if you weren't over-stretched.

Ah sympathies OP.
Don't tell your husband, nothing to be gained.

In my experience it takes time (sometimes a long time) for those feelings and daydreams to subside, especially when there's been a strong emotional connection. Do your best not to contact him. Sever any social media connections. No contact is the best approach, though can be very painful.

When your feelings have subsided, that will be the time to think about what this means in terms of you, your husband and your marriage.

It's very common to fall for someone else when you're in a very long term relationship. Not pursuing it can be hard, so you've done the right thing. Best wishes

With all the stressors going on it sounds like this man is a fantasy and an escape. Does it help to remind yourself of that?