Husband forgot a significant event. What would you think of this?

[CandleSmoke]

My mum is undergoing cancer treatment at the moment. It’s been a difficult time and the prognosis is very uncertain. She was diagnosed because she had symptoms which were significantly affecting her quality of life. She then underwent a complex operation which would reduce the symptoms and therefore improve her quality of life, but would not remove the cancer. She is awaiting treatment that will hopefully treat the cancer.

I was recounting this to a friend I do not get to see very often. I got as far as explaining the symptoms, and my husband interjected saying, “Oh yeah, she did have x symptoms, but that’s stopped now.” He then looked confused and said, “Something must have happened to stop that?” I said, yes, she had an operation. He had completely forgotten she had this major op, and then developed an infection and was in hospital for almost a week. When I reminded him, he was just like, oh yeah, and looked sheepish.

Needless to say, this has been a stressful time for me. On top of mum’s cancer diagnosis, I started a new job in the summer, DH is not happy with his work, although that is a massive, ongoing issue of more than a decade and we are also stressed about money. We are in the thick of raising three children. I have been trying to explain how I carry all the mental load and quite a lot of the physical and financial load of our lives.

My gut feeling is that this is another example of me being alone in our relationship. I talked to him about it and he says now he does remember, but hadn’t really thought about it that much. I have been aware and shared my feelings that he does not want to talk about what’s happening with mum, even when I need someone to talk things over with. He doesn’t actually say it, but when we do discuss it, I feel like it’s on the tip of his tongue to say, don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll be ok. Which is not helpful as there is a very real chance that this is not going to be ok.

I’m not sure why I’m posting. I’m tired of feeling like I carry everything and that he had previously promised to do better then this happened.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum, OP.

It's a huge stress to have to watch a loved one go through cancer treatment.

Do you feel like your husband cares about your inner world? I would start there.

💐

No, I don’t think he does.

When I raised it with him, calmly and without judging, just asking what he thought about it, I got the ‘press release’ responses, “I’m sorry you don’t feel supported, it’s not good enough, you feel like I’m going to say it will all be ok even if I haven’t actually said that” and so on, delivered with a tone of faintly disguised irritation, rather than actual compassion. If I had forgotten his mum had had this sort of op, I would be horrified, and hoping he could forgive me.

I’d think he was very stressed and sometimes when that happens your brain compartmentalises and removes information.

I think men just don't communicate in the way that women do and this leads to misunderstandings and hurt and resentment especially when there are extra stressors at play.

Women are better communicators, in general, and much better at expressing compassion and articulating inner feelings.

I'm not excusing him but, from experience of being married for over 25 years, I have learned that resentment of limitations and differences can be due to false expectations. It might help if you can focus on what you can lean on him for and just realise that this isn't his strong point. Assuming he has strong points in other areas....

I'm sorry that you're going through so much right now. Do you have any friends or support outside of the home?

I'm sorry but I don't think I would have made it in to an issue. She is your mum so what she has gone through will obviously mean more to you.

He probably feels alone, too. You’re each just doing what you need to do to survive.

But neither of you can carry everything for the other with all you have going on. I understand that your DH seems to deflect or avoid, but he doesn’t understand what you want and you’ve not explained to him. You want want him to listen and not feel that he has to solve or resolve the problem nor is he responsible for making you feel better. Think how you do want to him respond - and why that matters- and let him know.

The time tested solutions are the ones that work:

• find someone outside your marriage that you can offload to reasonably often, even if it a zoom call
• get away for a day alone with your husband where you can walk or talk about what you’d like for the future

Do you still like him?
.

You’ll say that you don’t have the time, money or resources, but that’s what you need.

Yes, that will have hurt to have heard him admit that he hasnt really thought about it that much.

ive become more aware of this behaviour just this year as a cause of arguments...............when you try and address it, they cannot bear feeling criticised and you see the irritation with you come out...also defensiveness and deflection, rather than taking accountability and trying to do better. Emotionally withdrawn is what ive learned it is. They cant actually deal with their own feelings of shame and inadequacy. Its a kind of toxic defense mechanism. It doesnt mean they dont love you.

I dont know how to deal with it sadly but it feels very lonely and isolating. They are not sharing your emotional burden and they cannot, because its part of their immaturity. The only thing you can do is reduce your expectations, stop expecting them to "see and understand" and try to protect your own wellbeing. Talking things over with other friends who get it instead. Its very hard.

I’m sorry about your mum OP but kindly I think this is a real over reaction. She is your mum, so of course you will remember more, but you both have your own stresses work/kids, it’s honestly not a crime that he forgot an operation.

Reduce the drama and give each other a break, you’d be “horrified” and “hope he could forgive you” if the roles were reversed?! Really?! There’s no need for the dramatics.

If you forgot something happened from menopause related brain fog, it would not be your fault. Men may not get menopause but everyone can get brain fog especially when stressed.

just move on.

I am sorry about you Mum but I think you are overreacting. It’s your Mum and he has said all the right things. I’ve been married over 40 years and have always got on with my MIL but I would be the same as you DH. I like her but I don’t really care about her. I’m indifferent although always delightful. I would be pissed off if I thought I was having to prove I cared. I’d support my husband though.

Both my DH and I have dealt with are own family things individually. We support each other but don’t want to get overly involved in each others families. It’s worked brilliantly for us. I’ve never reminded him to do things for his family and I’ve never bought presents for them on his behalf or made arrangements with them. It’s been zero mental load.

Hope you mum feels better soon

it’s the disconnect. and you know the pattern you’re caught in where you’re anxious about his responses because they reveal the disconnect all too clearly. and you can feel his eyes roll when you even press it a little.

step back. watch for a bit.

I wouldn’t be offended if he temporarily forgot something like that he’s probably someone who decompartmentalises things and doesn’t stress unless it’s happening in the moment. But it reads like he’s failing you in other ways which must be hard when you are struggling

I feel this response in my bones. 💐

No advice really, just sympathy.
I assume this hasnt happened in a vacuum and its part of an ongoing pattern of behavior hence the above post.

My husband seems to have way less "capacity" for life events. I am working on accepting the fact i can only rely on me. In his case it seems to be a cant rather than wont but It's very disheartening stuff.

I think for your own sake, not his, try and let it go

Life is far too short to be with someone who doesn’t care about you. Hope all goes well with your mum’s treatment.

Is that not a really sad way to live? Why not leave?

Your husband reminds me of myself. My brain seems to remove significant memories and pieces of information. For example, despite being the person to find my mother after her very unexpected death, i can’t remember what cause of death is stated on her death certificate.
Theres plenty of examples like this for me, i just cant remember them (really not trying to be humorous here).
I obviously cant explain why it happens, but i assure you it’s not from a lack of caring. Perhaps his brain is wired a little like mine.

Im sorry for what you're going through and hope for the best with your mum.

Your mum means more to you than him. Just like his mum means more to him than you. He's a man. He isn't as empathic as you. I would say try to focus on the good things he does do rather than crucifying him over a brain fart moment. This is tough for you I get it. My mum died of cancer and only lived 13 mths after diagnosis. It was fucking terrible, a really brutal time. But don't let it come between you and your DH. Men aren't very great at emotional support unless you are REALLY direct about what you need, and of course you want him to read your mind as proof that he loves you but he can't do that. Because he's only a man. He lacks the intuition you have and the finely tuned affective empathy. But I hope he supports you in other ways.

Hard agree with this.

If you still want to be with him you are going to have to let some stuff go and start talking to each other as a couple….make some time away from the shit as a couple or talk to each other and promise to make time after the shit…but you both need support. And most blokes ( peopje) don’t know how to do that. My DH does it practically, getting the tea made when i come in…gutting the grass so I don’t have to.

Youve a lot going on, be kind to each other. Marriage are for the long run, there’ll be glitches…

Am I reading the tone of his response correctly? That’s a defensive / sarcastic ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ non-apology. He’s pointing out it’s you who sets him up with an expectation of the ‘it will be ok’ line, not him saying it.

But, the way you’d feel if it was MIL is ALL about your female socialisation. Men are not brought up to feel responsible for others’ emotions or to take pride in being good friends or social facilitators.

Decide what you need from him. As practically as possible, what could he do that would really help? Tell him. Agree that thing is his responsibility.

You’re going through a difficult time. Mostly you just need to get through it.

He does need to recognise the emotional weight on you and that you need ‘looking after’ more than ever before. How he shows that will depend on who he and the pair of you as a couple are. Seems like a bit of demonstrative caring could go a long way.

I think you've overreacted to this particular thing. I think know your mum's operation got lost in a milieu of her general poor health, which itself is a bit lost in an event bigger milieu of your stressful lives.

I hope things improve for you all soon.

I sympathise @CandleSmoke - the death knell for my first marriage was my husband forgetting that my father had life saving surgery booked for the following week despite the fact it was on the family calendar and I was going to stay for a week to help DPs out with the aftermath. It just made me realise he didn’t give a shit about the truly important things in my life. I can’t tell you how to get past it - because I didn’t…

In the thick of raising young kids and with a stressful job that’s making him unhappy, I can see how some information just gets lost, at least temporarily.

My DH has sometimes forgotten things that were very important to me, or has not followed up on/asked questions about what’s happening, and at times I find that very hurtful.

What I do realise though is that he genuinely feels like he’s at full capacity - his mind is just full, he has a constant running “to do” list and a feeling that he’s never getting enough done, and so things that don’t need actual action from him get shuffled down to the bottom of that priority list.

You’re not wrong to need and want more support and engagement from him with this, but also if the relationship is good overall I’d try to work from the assumption that he does care about you and your mum but is finding the world overwhelming right now.

It honestly doesn't sound like the kind of forgetting that comes from a lack of concern or care, @CandleSmoke . It sounds like the product of stress and perhaps anxiety. A sequence of stressful events, like the progress of your mother's illness and healthcare, can easily become a blur exactly because they are so hard and overwhelming. (EDIT: Or, more likely, because, as well as being very difficult in themselves, he is facing a lot of stress elsewhere in his life).

It wouldn't even surprise me if you yourself momentarily forgot something as central as this operation. I've often felt guilty about my lack of detailed memory of some similarly stressful and traumatising events.

I'm really sorry you are going through this, OP., and it is terrible to feel unsupported in such a situation. Obviously I can't comment on your DH's attitude in general, only on the particular interaction you have spoken of.

I think serious illness has a complicated narrative of appointments and medication and treatments. Sometimes the ill person feels better and sometimes worse. It is quite hard for anyone who is not so immediately involved to hold every single detail in their mind all the time. Temporarily forgetting something, is not in itself, proof of an uncaring nature.