Husband forgot a significant event. What would you think of this?

[CandleSmoke]

My mum is undergoing cancer treatment at the moment. It’s been a difficult time and the prognosis is very uncertain. She was diagnosed because she had symptoms which were significantly affecting her quality of life. She then underwent a complex operation which would reduce the symptoms and therefore improve her quality of life, but would not remove the cancer. She is awaiting treatment that will hopefully treat the cancer.

I was recounting this to a friend I do not get to see very often. I got as far as explaining the symptoms, and my husband interjected saying, “Oh yeah, she did have x symptoms, but that’s stopped now.” He then looked confused and said, “Something must have happened to stop that?” I said, yes, she had an operation. He had completely forgotten she had this major op, and then developed an infection and was in hospital for almost a week. When I reminded him, he was just like, oh yeah, and looked sheepish.

Needless to say, this has been a stressful time for me. On top of mum’s cancer diagnosis, I started a new job in the summer, DH is not happy with his work, although that is a massive, ongoing issue of more than a decade and we are also stressed about money. We are in the thick of raising three children. I have been trying to explain how I carry all the mental load and quite a lot of the physical and financial load of our lives.

My gut feeling is that this is another example of me being alone in our relationship. I talked to him about it and he says now he does remember, but hadn’t really thought about it that much. I have been aware and shared my feelings that he does not want to talk about what’s happening with mum, even when I need someone to talk things over with. He doesn’t actually say it, but when we do discuss it, I feel like it’s on the tip of his tongue to say, don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll be ok. Which is not helpful as there is a very real chance that this is not going to be ok.

I’m not sure why I’m posting. I’m tired of feeling like I carry everything and that he had previously promised to do better then this happened.

I don't see a problem I'm a woman and really forget badly so ye hard to remember every single thing that goes on tbh

So he forgot she had an op I really think you are making mountains out of mole hills

I just also want to say that the serious illness, and possible loss, of someone you love produces such deep and unmoored feelings of anger, that often fire off at all sorts of targets. It sounds like both of you are really stressed at the moment. Perhaps your relationship with your DH is genuinely bad, that is of course one possibility. But there is also the possibility that you are just two fallible unhappy people trying to struggle with overwhelmingly hard circumstances, and it would be sad if this , very natural, unmoored fury pulled you apart. .

I’m sorry you don’t feel supported, it’s not good enough, you feel like I’m going to say it will all be ok even if I haven’t actually said that” and so on, delivered with a tone of faintly disguised irritation, rather than actual compassion.

Compassion isn’t something that you switch on or off. I think what you were looking for was a response that showed that he wanted to support you. Either way, you don’t just leave it at thar. You let him know at some point, possibly later, that if he genuinely is sorry, then what you’re looking for is – what? What did you want him to say? What did you want him to do? Let him know. Tell him that you’re not looking for words or resolution, you’re looking for him letting you know that he’s on your side as much as he can be. You’re circling round and round each other is dead end responses.

Have you thought to find out why he’s irritated? What’s going on with him that means he can’t give you what you want? Have you asked him what he needs from you? It does have to be a two-way street.

My own husband's forgetfulness was demonstrated one time when we were looking back on December 31 over an eventful and challenging year, and he said, 'Well, at least nobody died this year.'

My father had died in May.

I said, 'What did you just say?'

And then he did recall

However, my father had been a difficult character and it was entirely reasonable for my husband not to have felt any sense personal loss - but perhaps only a sense of relief that someone who had created so many problems was no longer around to cause them.

Though this may sound rather noir but since then the phrase, 'Well at least nobody died this year, ' has become a sort of shared joke.

I think you're overreacting to him forgetting details of your Mum's treatment. He's got other stuff going on and you're closer to it than him. Obviously it's going to be more important to you.

I've had cancer over the last year and can hardly remember some of the details of my own treatment. I certainly wouldn't expect my in-laws to know it.

You said he's has a plus 10 year ongoing work issue. That kind of pressure can build and really start to impact. Is this not something to address? This isn't something to take lightly and can seriously impact cognitive function and mental health. Having said that, totally understand your hurt and upset over this but sounds like you are both under pressure on a lot of fronts and if not addressed this will continue to build. I hope you have support elsewhere, just for you. And that your husband does too. I really hope your mum is doing OK.