Moved to Norway to be secondary to MIL

[SameTimeSamePlaceNextYear]

Originally from Vancouver, DH is Norwegian. Late 30s/mid 40s. Been together for 4 years, married a little more than a year ago. Mid 2025 we both found ourselves retrenched in Denmark and decided to move back to his hometown in Norway to save costs. DH found a job at a local hobby shop, I found a temp contract in procurement where I can work remotely.

We live in DH’s 1 bedroom apartment near the city. MIL lives 45 mins away. As she’s not very independent and FIL works, we sort of fell into a routine where she would stay over on the sofa bed (arrives at 3pm) whenever she has an appointment in the city the next morning. Happens about 1-2 times a month. Not great as our apartment is ~500sqft but ok. The more she stays though the worse I feel our r/s is becoming.

MIL and DH are similar in that they’re both EXTREME homebodies. DH doesn’t really have many friends, same with MIL. They’re each other’s best friend since young and DH visits them 3 times a week. Before being sent to Denmark by his company DH also lived with his parents for 36 years continuously.

So when MIL stays over, I’m the outsider. I get very stuffy and sweaty but we can’t open the windows cause she hates the breeze/cold. She complains she has to look after DH cause he doesn’t have a meal ready when he gets home ignoring how we BOTH work so we make food together after he’s back. She will critique my things, my clothes. Dismisses everything I say.

Recently learnt that my team leader would like to convert me to a full time, permanent position once my contract ends next April with much more pay/benefits contingent on us moving 4h away to Oslo (4 days in office 1 day WFH). It’s a great opportunity!

MIL has caught wind of it from DH and constantly guilt trips me how I’m taking DH away from her. DH agrees this is the best move for us as we’ve been looking to buy a house near Oslo too but feels guilty about thinking of moving in the first place cause he’s all MIL has (aside from FIL who indulges her less).

What do I do? She monopolises everything, DH feels bad cause he’s her rock (and aside from me he doesn’t have anyone else to hang out with anyway) and I’m trapped.

It’s good that DH agrees it’s the best move for you, so it’s his guilt to deal with. He really needs to cut the apron strings with his mother. It sounds pretty toxic at the moment so it would be the clean break you both need. If you stay and turn down the opportunity, the MIL will end up driving a bigger wedge between you which could spell the end of the relationship ultimately. When he gets to Oslo, perhaps he can make an effort to get out more and enjoy the city, so he doesn’t feel isolated going forward?

Do you need him to come with you?

That probably sounds brutal, but she survived just fine when he was in Denmark. I see this as your choice being whether to take the job, and his choice being his wife or his mother. He is not “all she has”. That’s incredibly disrespectful of her husband, who sounds like he says no, so she runs to your one instead.

If it was me, I would tell him that I was taking the role, and leave him to make his own choice.

Take the role and encourage your DH to have therapy re his mother who has enmeshed him from a young age making out that he is all she has etc . Such is very unhealthy between mother and son
and he needs to go to Oslo too.

Move! And never go back!

I'd get divorced and move. As soon as FIL does she's planning on moving in with you and you'll be the spare wheel.

I adore my sons and we are close but I would tell them to seize the opportunity and go. I would also tell them to prioritise wife/ long term partner over me (their mum). Your husband can be kind and respectful to his mum but his priority should be his wife and his mum should encourage that. She can FaceTime him a couple of times a week and if there is a train or something she could come and visit.

JFC your MIL needs to cut the umbilical cord and treat your DH like an adult with a wife and a life of his own. She sounds unbearably clingy and childish.

If your DH refuses to move, you should still take the job and leave him.

Not to be unkind but everyone else is factoring in their own comfort and expecting you to fall in with their needs. The big thing I get from your post is that your current life is not working for you, not just because of your MIL and DH but it sounds as if you need a bit more, variety, people, bustle etc. Make the move - make it clear that you're going anyway and you'd love it if he joined you but make the move. Oslo's a lovely city - it sounds like you have a great opportunity to grow your life there.

I agree with telling your DH that you are accepting the role in Oslo, and that you hope he is coming with you, but you understand if he prefers to stay at home. But if that is the case that means you go as a single person.

MIL has your FIL to be her rock. Time for your DH to grow up.

What do you do? You hand your feeble DH a pair of scissors and tell him to cut the apron strings.

Don't even think about letting her manipulate and control your decision - it sounds like a fantastic opportunity. She will have to learn to cope. 4 hours away is a perfect distance away from a controlling MIL! DH can crack on and visit her once a month.

Get away as far as you can. Oslo might not be far enough.

Your DH is not leaving her living alone , unwell and needs of help . She has a husband !

I’ve tried to see it from DH’s perspective but then it always gets turned around to him saying that being close to your family is normal and that I’m the weird one for not understanding that.

It’s so hard because aside from this DH is a great partner. Our only arguments are always centered around his mum especially when she stays over so frequently. This weekend for example she wants to go shopping on Sat at a place 30 mins + from us. FIL isn’t free on Sat to drop her off here. So on Friday she will be coming at 3 and staying overnight again!

Can’t do laundry then as planned because our apt as mentioned is less than 500 sq ft with no balcony, so there will be no place to hang the laundry as the only place to put the laundry is where she’ll be sleeping…

I know it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but it really grinds down on me.

Will be going to Oslo when the time comes but it’s so frustrating that this is a problem for us.

When you MIL guilt tripped you about the move, did your DH speak up on your behalf? Likely not.

I'd give him articles or a book to read on creating boundaries with family. In your shoes, I'd explain to him that since he's grown up in that manipulative environment, that he believes it's normal and doesn't know this doesn't happen in most families. My parents moved twice during their lifetimes away from their parents and nobody was made to feel guilty. Visits were made about every two years, since it was very long distance. Me and my brothers moved away, and my mother made it a positive thing, saying she got to visit me in all the different places I lived in. My mother berated another relative who made her grown daughter feel guilty about moving away. My mother said, "Kids sometimes grow up and move away. Get over it!"

Explain how being involved in parents lives within reason is a positive thing, but when those parents cross boundaries whereas it negatively affects their grown children's marriage, it's up their son/daughter to straighten that out or risk a failed marriage.

It's a shame you didn't have the full experience of him being a Mama's boy until you moved. When I was a teen and dated a guy for 2 years, one of the reasons I broke up with him is because he was a Mama's boy and when I envisioned us one day marrying, I know his mother's opinions and decisions would override mine.

If he doesn't come through for you, perhaps you can get an annulment, and if not, I'd certainly divorce. A good marriage should be like a romantic ride on a bicycle built for two. Not a three-wheeled tricycle where a husband won't get rid of a childish mother-son dynamic.

Go. Take the job. Do not give up your ambitions for emotionally incestuous people.

If your dh goes with you great. If not well then he can enjoy his life with his mum-wife can't he.

Op

This is a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Do not do your one self down here by writing that it is not.

Would now cancel her forthcoming visit to your home on Friday stating it’s not convenient for you . Be the so called bad guy here.

Your h has never tried to see your point of view and he regards his mother’s behaviour as normal because he grew up with her. She has conditioned him to this warped way of thinking that this is normal when it is not. Enmeshment is unhealthy in relationships.

Take the job in Oslo and strike out on your own if necessary. Your h may never change nor see that his
mother is the root cause of his unhappiness in life.

Hmmm, where is she sleeping-on the sofa? I would not stop doing laundry, presumably it’s not hanging over the place where she’s sleeping?

She sounds like a pain and I would definitely take the job-your husband can come with you or stay with her. Be prepared that she will probably come and stay for weeks if you all move though!

He sounds like a massive wet blanket. Sorry but my legs would have clamped shut. I would have asked her to leave the home the second she started criticising me.

Life is too short babe! Take the job in Oslo and dump the mummies boy husband who won’t even stand up for his own wife.

Move. Your DH needs to grow up or move back to mummy's house

Why dioes she need to be brought to you at 3pm the day before a shopping trip? That is ridiculous. If you are working during the week, you can't be expected to have people staying in your flat during the daytime.
You could stop being so accommodating, eg do the laundry anyway.
But there is something a bit weird about her very lame excuse for staying overnight. And about her and DH being 'best friends' when they are both married.
I would tell DH that you are taking the job. If you want to be nice about it, and you can afford it, you can make sure you get somewhere with a second bedroom and tell MiL she can come and visit every 6 weeks or so for a couple of days.

Move aside, how does your DH respond to his DM being rude to you?

(You should 100% move by the way!)

@SameTimeSamePlaceNextYear I started to feel suffocated by just reading this. You must be a saint because I would NOT have put up with this.

This enmeshed relationship between your Mil and DH would be a turn off for me. There are no boundaries there and if Mil was responsible for that at first your dh is now responsible for not putting in boundaries. If I were you I would ask him flat out if he wants to come with me to Oslo or if he wants to stay with his mother. And if you two go to Oslo you have to decide how often and for how long it would be acceptable for your Mil to visit.

I haven't read all the replies but I'm Norwegian, living 20 minutes east of Oslo, and I would just like to say that being THAT close to your mother/family is not considered normal here! Your DHs claim that its normal is clouded by what he is used to in his family.