I'm looking for some honest outside opinions, particularly from people who've experienced complicated breakups or found themselves pushing away someone they genuinely liked.
I'm recently out of a relationship. I've told my ex that I no longer love him romantically and don't want to get back together. I've even written him a letter explaining my feelings because he wasn't accepting what I was saying.
I still care about him as a person, though, and seeing him upset is incredibly difficult. He continues trying to win me back, and I feel guilty about hurting him.
Then I met someone I'll call P.
We met unexpectedly in a pub around two months ago. I approached him initially, and there was an immediate attraction.
He's attractive, funny, calm, thoughtful and genuinely kind. I've actually told him he's the nicest person I've ever met.
Over the following weeks, we developed what I thought was a lovely connection.
Some examples:
- I regularly initiated conversations and asked whether he was coming out. Once, he got ready and drove an hour from home just to see me and my friends.
- I initiated our first kiss after admitting I was nervous about saying goodbye.
- I've held his hand in public, sat on his lap, stroked his neck and been very physically affectionate towards him.
- After warning him that my breakup situation was messy and that I was a "red flag", I still continued seeking him out.
- One evening, I stayed at his hotel for a cuddle. He promised nothing sexual would happen, respected that completely, and we spent nearly an hour spooning and talking about our lives.
- While abroad, I went looking for his aftershave because I missed his smell.
- He later gave me a little travel bottle of it, saying I could smell it whenever I missed him. I told him I smelled it every day, which was true.
- After returning from my trip, I was working near his office and found a playful excuse to message him. We met for twenty minutes, and I gave him an enormous hug. I later admitted I'd been telling myself not to look back as I walked away. He smiled and said he was glad I hadn't, because he was watching me leave.
- I've told him I think about him all the time, that everything reminds me of him and that I don't want to lose what we have.
- I've also said that being with him was what I wanted to be doing and that he was who I wanted to be doing it with.
- Despite all this, I've repeatedly warned him that the timing is terrible because of my ex.
Then things became complicated.
One Friday, my ex appeared while I was out with P. My ex was very upset, and there was an emotional confrontation that P witnessed.
P remained calm, listened to me and didn't make the situation about himself. I was openly affectionate towards P that evening and chose to spend time with him despite everything happening.
He checked on me on Sunday, I replied on Monday, and then we barely spoke for the rest of the week.
When we saw each other the following Friday, P explained that he'd deliberately given me space because he'd seen how distressed I was. He didn't want me to think he'd lost interest or been frightened away by the situation.
Later, he calmly told me he cared about me, missed me and had feelings for me.
He said he wasn't in love with me because we'd only known each other a couple of months. He wasn't asking me to sort out my breakup and become his girlfriend.
He said he thought we might have something special and would like to explore it one day when the timing was right.
I never explicitly told him I had romantic feelings, although I recognise my words and actions may have strongly suggested it.
After that conversation, I continued being affectionate. I sat on his lap, danced closely against him, held his hand and rested my head on his shoulder.
Later, we sat together talking about my ex and how difficult I find hurting people. P encouraged me to think about my own happiness.
At goodbye, he went for a more passionate kiss than I was giving back. It was a little more intense than I wanted.
I was also quite drunk and got a taxi home alone. I'd told him I'd message when I was safe, but I fell asleep.
He became worried, sent several messages, called three times and contacted a friend of mine to check whether I was home safely.
I've since learned that two women close to him had previously been assaulted by taxi drivers, which may explain why he was particularly frightened, although I didn't know that at the time.
When I woke up, I told him I was home. We exchanged friendly messages and jokes. He thanked me for the evening and complimented me.
Then, later that Saturday, I blocked him on WhatsApp and unfollowed/removed him on Instagram. Without any explanation.
It's now been over a week.
He hasn't contacted me through Facebook, iMessage or any other means, despite having ways to do so.
I assume he's respecting the block.
Here's what's confusing me.
I genuinely like this man. I find him attractive, enjoy his company, admire his character and have repeatedly sought out his affection.
He hasn't demanded a relationship, given me an ultimatum about my ex or been aggressive towards me.
Yet I've abruptly cut him off.
I'm wondering whether his feelings conversation, the slightly overenthusiastic kiss and his worry about me getting home made everything feel too intense.
Or whether I'm emotionally overwhelmed by my breakup and frightened of hurting another person who genuinely cares about me.
I'd really appreciate honest opinions:
- From the outside, does it sound as though I had genuine romantic feelings for P, even without explicitly saying so?
- Was he reasonable to develop feelings and believe the connection was mutual?
- Did his goodbye kiss and concern about me getting home cross a significant line, or do they sound more like imperfect but well-intentioned behaviour?
- Could my unresolved guilt about my ex explain why I suddenly pushed P away?
- Was blocking him without an explanation unfair, given our history?
- What would be the most responsible thing to do now if I still like him but am not ready for a relationship?
I'm not looking for people to automatically defend me or criticise him. I genuinely want to understand this from both perspectives, including where I might have handled things badly.