Estranged mother has terminal cancer…visit?

[Conflicted24]

I’m not sure what to do for the best. Found out a week ago that my DM has a terminal cancer (4b-lung) but they haven’t asked the consultant about remaining life expectancy.

I’ve not seen my mum for over 8 years but my DF emailed as DM didn’t want it to be a shock when she dies. In the initial email they said they had no expectation that I visit. In the second email, my DF provided their phone numbers and said if I wanted to visit that I didn’t need to make an appointment.

I sent my DM a card to express sympathy for the diagnosis and I would help if needed (it’s not my DF set out all he has done in his second email) and I put I was open to visit if that is what she wanted. I also emailed my DF to say I had sent a card and would visit if my DM wants me too.

They aren’t inherently bad people the estrangement was down to the years of dealing with my DM’s depression and her only seeing the bad in the world and having no interest in my family.

Would you visit or leave it? I’m under no illusion that it was be beyond awkward and a terminal diagnosis won’t have come with a personality transplant.

I would feel differently if they had been abusive but in these circumstances I would absolutely visit. They are putting no pressure on you and it sounds like they are being considerate of you in a very sad and difficult situation. I am sure it would mean a lot to both of them to have you back in their lives.

I'd go and visit in the circumstances you describe. Better to regret something you did than something you didn't do.

You don't say what your relationship with DF is like. He's lived with your mum and her difficult ways a long time, he might value the support and the opportunity to build a relationship with you after she has gone.

At the end of the day you have to live with the choices you make. I would not risk the additional guilt on top of grief if you don’t visit. I’ve seen it in someone very dear to me who struggled to visit our dying relative. It’s now eating them up. Visit and make peace with your relationship. 💐

As they're not inherently bad people and no mention of abuse I would visit, for everyone's sake

Your mother's depression must have been difficult for you to deal with as you've estranged yourself from her for eight years, and as a pp has said I expect your father could do with a bit of support at this time

If you do visit I hope it all goes well

Your mother will soon no longer be here and you won't risk being confronted by her depression any longer. I would go and see her. IME, healing will still be work in progress but I think you might regret not going somewhere down the line. I'm sure you'll make the right choice for you 💐

I would go. They are reaching out in what seems to be a good way.

I would visit.

You have said that they weren't abusive, so why not? See how it goes the first few times and initially keep visits quite short while you get used to going again.

It sounds like they weren’t abusive, so a short visit would likely be appreciated, if you feel you can.

In this situation, I would say absolutely visit. There is still time for healing of the relationship and for unexpected green shoots of grace to pop up. 🌱
Wishing you well, OP, and I’m sorry about all you’ve got going on with this very tricky situation 💐

I'd absolutely go. She has a genuine reason to be both depressed and selfish now. My Dad who was abusive had about 7 episodes where he nearly died and I wasn't going to go to the first and glad I didn't stick with that decision. However he died suddenly in the end so no-one got to visit to say goodbye. I think that made it harder to process. It sounds like you want to go and it's just hard

I agree with the other people saying go. Your father has presumably spent many years having to live with her depression, so he'll no doubt be utterly lost when she goes as his life will suddenly be very empty so might need some support (assuming you're up for doing that, although obviously you're not obliged to).

Thank you all for taking the time to reply it’s appreciated. Your comments have given me somethings to think about. Either way it’s not going to be easy. Over time I’ve accepted the relationship is over but if I was in her shoes I’d want to see my child so I expect at some point I will visit it’s just deciding when. However some of you that have mentioned my DF and he has been the one over the years writing and sending the Christmas and birthday cards I guess trying to keep the door open.

In the minority but I wouldn’t. I would take up with your DF after she’s gone. Actions have consequences.
But that’s me. You must do what you can live with.

I would go. You have a life time of regrets if you don’t. Your mum may not have been perfect,but what parent is? I appreciate it may not have been easy for you growing up, but she won’t be here for much longer, so may be a good time to reconnect?

Go she is near the end of her life, if nothing it will bring her some peace

@Conflicted24

It might be an idea to imagine how you will feel in 40 years' time, looking back.

Will you regret going? Will you regret not going?

I think that as you get older, sometimes things start to look different. Saying goodbye is a rounding-off. If you go, there is more of a chance that you will gain different perspectives, both good and bad perhaps, but it can be very good to have said goodbye in the long run.

Over the years you will probably go through a number of different ways of thinking about her, and about her dying, whether you go or whether you don't.

In your situation, I think that saying goodbye will benefit you, her and your dad.

I would definitely go.
speaking as someone who has lost both parents (who weren’t easy, often through the circumstances of their upbringings) I cannot imagine how I’d feel now if I hadn’t had a relationship in those last very traumatic years.
my DiL is noncomm with her mother (who was abusive) ans even in that case I worry how she will feel when her mother dies.
Go. For your sake, you mother’s and your father’s.

Go there’s no need to rake over the past or any great reunion or let’s make up for lost time all that really doesn’t matter

I did go and visit my DM shortly before she died, after many years of very low contact, On balance I’m glad I did, as the visit did bring some peace.

That's a really twatty thing to say to OP. Her parents obviously want to see her or they wouldn't have contacted her.

I would go...alone and as a family.
Go for short visits.
Take something to eat and take pictures with your children so that they can look back at meeting their GM.

Your mother doesn't mean to have depression.
Supporting your DF would be kind. He reached out.

Why haven't you met your father separately? I think nobody can advise here. You do what feels best. This could be goodbye. If that's what you want go and visit your mum.

I would go and see her. My dad died in March and we were estranged for many years. However when my sister told me he was gravely ill, I went to see him. Not simple because he was living overseas so I had to book time off work, flights, accommodation etc. However I
am eternally glad I saw him, we hugged and made our peace before he died. I feel able to mourn him properly since then.

I hadn’t seen my mother for 20 years when she died of ovarian cancer. I didn’t go - I’d done all my mourning in the years after she cut me off and I don’t feel in the slightest guilty or disappointed that I wasn’t in touch. This was partly as I couldn’t have seen her without her sociopathic, narcissistic husband, who nastily kept my sister from saying goodbye. I wasn’t going to give him the pleasure of denying me or my dc, who didn’t know her anyway.

Sometimes you have to say goodbye in your heart and mind without regret.

And out of this came a rekindling of my relationship with my sister, who had gone along with my mother’s actions, when we hammered out the things that had gone wrong and decided we’d like to be sisters again! So that’s good, and my mothers husband must hate it, though he’s now not in contact with his kids or stepkids, he’ll die a bitter and lonely old man!