Estranged mother has terminal cancer…visit?

[Conflicted24]

I’m not sure what to do for the best. Found out a week ago that my DM has a terminal cancer (4b-lung) but they haven’t asked the consultant about remaining life expectancy.

I’ve not seen my mum for over 8 years but my DF emailed as DM didn’t want it to be a shock when she dies. In the initial email they said they had no expectation that I visit. In the second email, my DF provided their phone numbers and said if I wanted to visit that I didn’t need to make an appointment.

I sent my DM a card to express sympathy for the diagnosis and I would help if needed (it’s not my DF set out all he has done in his second email) and I put I was open to visit if that is what she wanted. I also emailed my DF to say I had sent a card and would visit if my DM wants me too.

They aren’t inherently bad people the estrangement was down to the years of dealing with my DM’s depression and her only seeing the bad in the world and having no interest in my family.

Would you visit or leave it? I’m under no illusion that it was be beyond awkward and a terminal diagnosis won’t have come with a personality transplant.

Go.
If after a first short visit you feel you want to go again, do so.
If not, do not.

Regret what you have done, not what you have not.

I think you would regret if you didn’t visit.

I would go sooner rather than later before she becomes very sick as that will be more difficult - but without any commitment to visit again.

Can you see yourself re-establishing a deep relationship with your DF after? Or do you consider although the passive parent he neglected you in a different way.

You obviously know that the diagnosis is very serious and your mum is unlikely to live very long @Conflicted24 . I don't think anyone can really advise you, other than to say listen to your heart and do what's most right/least wrong for you.

Read your OP and my gut says yes, visit your parents.

Read your second post and glad to see you expect to visit. I hope you do.

But you mention ‘when’.

My first thought was please don’t go right at the end as your first visit. Because after the first visit, you might find you’d like to visit again and it’d be awful if you couldn’t.

It’s also lovely to hear that your dad has at least tried in some way to keep the door open over the years.

You might find your dad wants to reconnect and it would be a blessing if something lovely were to come out of this awful situation.

I wish you all peace and light x

Sorry to read your post @Conflicted24. I have had periods of estrangement with both my parents. DF died I visited him in hospital had no feelings. people said I would feel awful if I didn't . No I wouldn't have and probably 6 years on wish I hadn't bothered.
Mother isn't there yet and it's more complicated. I have visited occasionally if I can put a persona on. My DM sounds like yours. and I can't cope with her. sometimes I wonder why the estrangement. She's not a bad person.
if I had the same news I would have a similar dilemma to you.
But on balance you still have your dad and can you cope with him. They sound like they're reaching out to you. I would be inclined to say go. But I'm not sure whether I would if I was in the same position so I may be being hypocritical.

I hope you can come to the decision that you can live with. I hope you go. I'm sorry your relationship has been like this it's very sad.💐

Go. You’ve had 8 years space from your mother and you’ve got years ahead of you without her so go and see her and be lovely and make peace and let her die with a more settled heart. Before it’s too late. Do it for her.

So your mum was very depressed and then you went no contact? That would give her an even greater problem, wouldn't it?

Little Miss Judgey.

I would go, if your mum isn't particularly interested, you can hopefully enjoy catching up with your dad.
My friend was estranged from her dad. She didn't know he was ill until she was told he died. It's hit her really hard that she didn't get to see him again.

Everybody says go because of making the peace and regretting if you don’t go.

Perhaps.

On balance, the negatives of not going seem to outweigh the negatives of going.

Honestly as someone who has lost a parent, go and see your mum now Don't delay or over think it, go and see her before she declines further. It can be very quick. If you get there and want to go, that's fine an hour out of your life won't be something you regret.

Don't over think or expect too much, but do go.

Do you have any siblings? Only asking as it may be easier to do it together. Equally, apologies if you don’t or if that’s not possible.

On balance, I’d say do it. But do it for you, if that makes sense. Losing a close parent is awful, losing an estranged parent throws so much more into the mix. When it’s an estranged parent, you’ve probably kind of done a lot of grieving and moving on. But when they die, it can throw everything back up again. Some may feel better if they’ve made contact again, some may feel that they really don’t want any contact and that they shouldn’t feel pressured towards it. IMO, both of those options are ok - you need to go with whichever feels best for you. Sorry you’re going through this, it’s a shitty situation.

Sounds like there really wasn’t a particularly good reason to cut her off - and what about your father? Sounds like he was an innocent victim of your decision to walk away. Having depression is hardly abusive

I'm another one saying go .

Offering a slightly different perspective.

I am estranged from my parents. There was some physical abuse and exposure to and involvement in domestic violence. But the hardest thing that I couldn't reconcile myself with was my mother's mental health issues and related complete indifference to me both as a child and as an adult.

This is abuse. To grow up with a mother who so affected by mental health issues that she can't be present for her children is horrific for the child who only understands that their mother doesn't care.

I wouldn't visit in similar circumstances.

I had a difficult relationship with my parents and was NC for about 4 years. I was persuaded to visit when DM was ill and then dying. I saw her about 3 times. It was tense, frustrating and gave me no peace, closure or help. Obviously I can't say how she felt. I was then persuaded, against my better judgment, to go to the funeral. It was awful.
I don't think I regret seeing her as it reaffirmed my NC decision. I do regret going to the funeral.

Thank you for the supportive comments and people sharing their experiences it is appreciated.

Another one saying Go. Make peace, cos you’ll be left with unresolved trauma if you don’t - you deserve more than that.

So does DM. Be generous.

I suggest an early visit in case you want to
go again. Beforehand, first think about what you want to say, and what you want her to say.

The worst case scenario is that you won’t get all the answers, but you might get some.

If you can bear it, tell her you forgive and love her - depressives are bloody difficult, but we wouldn’t change places with anyone that ill.

DM might not be able to match your generosity of spirit - but you’ll both feel
better.

Being nice doesn’t minimise the damage she did, but it will help
heal you.

Enjoy time with your Dad too.

Don't comment on it, if you have no experience.

Oh and find a bit of compassion, please.

@Conflicted24 what is really, really useful is to think through all the possible scenarios (your mum is glad to see you; indifferent; hateful; your dad is glad, or guilts you, or is gracious) and think about how you might feel in each scenario.

Seeing an end-of-life parent is often distressing and yet if you don't go there can be regrets. If you are welcomed or if you aren't, it can be hard either way.

This is one of those points in life where there isnt always a right answer and you can only choose the option that seems best in the long term.

But seeing even a very difficult parent to acknowledge the end if their life can draw a line under something. It can complete unfinished business, whether they are constructive or not.

I’ve found this really useful thank you for this it’s very thoughtful

My friend sadly died last year, only in her 50’s and unexpectedly but had 9wks from diagnosis to death. Her estranged DD came and visited frequently, and I know my friend was grateful for that in her final days. It can’t have been easy for the daughter, and of course I only ever knew one side of the story but was pleased she did what she did, for her own benefit in the future too.

I will say one thing only, i never got on with my dad and didn’t see him for 20+ years because of the way he treat my mum, i had the chance to see him when he had days left and i refused because it felt like i’d have been letting my mum down. I regret it every day, not because i wanted to make peace, but because i just wanted to say goodbye to the man that gave me life.