We both work full time but somehow everything at home is still my job

[FrostedFern]

We’ve had a stupid argument about this and now I’m wondering if I’m being unfair.

We both work full time and split the mortgage and bills 50/50. I have a DD who’s 11 from a previous relationship and he has a DS who’s 9. His son stays every other weekend and some holidays, DD is with us most of the time but goes to her dad’s alternate weekends.

I work reception at a dental practice, he supervises at a delivery depot. He’s up earlier than me and usually home earlier too, although sometimes he stays late.

The thing is I do all the remembering. Food shop, working out what we’re having for tea, school messages, washing, making sure DD has whatever she needs for school and remembering when we’re running out of things. If something needs doing I usually know about it before anyone else does.

He does do stuff. He takes the bins out, will hoover and sometimes cooks. If I ask him to put a wash on he’ll do it. It’s the asking that gets to me because I’m the one who has to notice it needs doing in the first place.

Yesterday I’d been doing washing and sorting things for the week. He’d gone to see his mate for a bit and came back about 1ish. He asked why I hadn’t sat down all morning and I said because I’ve got loads to do.

He said we both work all week and he pays half of everything so he doesn’t see why I act like I’m doing it all on my own. I said paying half the bills doesn’t mean the work in the house is split in half.

He said if I want help I should just ask instead of expecting him to read my mind. I do understand that to a point, I’m not expecting him to know what I’m thinking, but I don’t want to be in charge of telling another adult what needs doing all the time.

He thinks I’m making a big thing out of normal household stuff. I just feel like he can finish work and switch off because he knows I’ll deal with whatever’s left.

I don’t need everything to be exactly 50/50 every day, but I do want him to take responsibility for some things without waiting for me to ask.

Am I being unreasonable?

Why would you be? Of course you aren't.

Its shit, you have no joint children, I would get out - it will eat away at you over time. I know that sounds extreme, but honestly it doesn't get any better and in my experience often gets worse.

If he is really no good at thinking for himself treat him like a child and have a rota board of who does what and when then he can't forget. If he is home earlier he can cook some nights too.

This is very common. Often the woman just takes on the role without any discussion then it's hard to roll back.

Instead of having jobs each take turns. Food shop, cooking, cleaning the bathroom, putting laundry in, doing the ironing. Unfortunately you'll still need to prompt him that something needs doing or that it's his turn but you'll still be doing less.

You should both get equal leisure time so probably fair to do a little more than him with his longer working hours.

My DH does half of everything and most routine things without prompting but I still feel I do all the thinking.

Apart from stuff to do with your respective DC, he shouldn't be "helping you", he should be doing his fair share.

It's slightly different in my house as I work fewer hours than DH, but we both have our agreed jobs and responsibilities. We also have set days to make supper for everyone. And neither of us does the other's washing.

So you're the house supervisor. Have you asked him whether being depot supervisor is an actual job that requires doing more than a regular worker who is told what to do? If he's home earlier he should be responsible for all aspects of food. He should think, shop and cook, and if he's working late tell you what to cook.

And find that your fanny clamps shut.

I am sure he knows what needs doing at work, he chooses to not know what needs doing at home.

There's a book called Fair Play by Eve Rodsky and a card game associated, all about sharing the household load fairly.

I recommend it as a starting point.

I’m not sure what you’re getting out of this relationship tbh.

Thank him for his advice and agree we cant all be expected to be mind readers.

Then tell him you took his advice and make a list of everything that needs to doing and sit down with him and split it out fairly. Someone does laundry, someone does cooking, vacuuming, cleaning toilets etc Make sure list includes all the work so supermarket shopping, washing, folding, ironing, putting away etc Split it into daily tasks, weekly tasks, monthly tasks. Make sure daily and weekly are fair so its not just you doing all the daily stuff. Names against everything. Give your daughter a few little bits too.

Misogynists don't even try to be creative with their little excuses, it always just 'i can't see mess, because I have a penis'
'just tell me what silly woman chores you want me to do for you'
It's repulsive.
Your daughter will think this is normal.

Choose a life of peace and happiness.

On threads like this people always suggest a book, or a list etc. weirdly it's never the slob boyfriend asking for advice on how to 'see' chores...that he would be doing in his own house every time he's dumped.

It’s totally shit OP. Of course you are not being unfair.
Draw up a list of tasks and sit down with him and split them fairly. Although he probably still won’t do his tasks.
Re the remembering - I don’t know how you can make someone else remember things. Of course he should, but he won’t.
Has this been going on since the beginning of your relationship?
Ultimately this will probably eat away at you and you’ll be rightly resentful and unhappy and need to leave this man-child.

His comment about if you need 'help' says it all. You don't need 'help' Op, you need him to step up and take some responsibility for what is half his shit to do . . .

The problem is, you cannot split the mental load without having areas of responsibility. The way we’ve tackled this problem is by essentially creating household departments: food shopping, waste & recycling, laundry, holiday childcare, etc. We’ve split them up broadly fairly. My DH “owns” some departments. I own others. I never think about what food to buy for example. Even though we split the actual cooking 50/50 he tells me what I’m cooking for dinner on my cooking nights as his department is food shopping. My departments include laundry and school holiday childcare planning. He doesn’t ever have to think about those things because those are my responsibilities. This has worked really well for us because it clearly splits the mental load in each area.

If you do his laundry/meals then stop.

He can manage his own chores.

Who parents his dc ?you by any chance?

Draw up a list of tasks with time allocation for each ... ask him to choose xxx minutes worth (half) and tell him those are his responsibility. If you carry on doing it all ... he will let you.

He’s clearly capable of organising things - that’s literally his day job. He just thinks that because you have a vagina you are in charge of all the domestic stuff.

Drop the ball. Just drop the ball. Stop reminding him, stop doing his laundry, if you’re doing the shopping shop for the food you like, don’t vacuum, don’t launder the towels. It’s not his job to ‘help’ you. He’s not your assistant. He’s a grown adult ass man who’s a professional organiser. He knows what needs doing. He just thinks he shouldn’t have to do it.

Help? Like he's just helping you?

Cheek of him.

No you're not been unreasonable. There are certain jobs that are essential and need to be done on the regular. Mainly cooking, food shopping, cleaning and laundry. It might be easier to allocate these out and then it's just that persons job to do them and they know they need to be done every week. I know that doesn't cover the mental load of remembering appointments, school events etc… but it would cover a chunk of the bigger, essential, regular chores. We do this and it works quite well.

Sit down and split the jobs up.
You cook, he washes up.
He does the washing, you do the ironing.
You clean downstairs, he does upstairs.

Why should she. He is meant to be an adult.

Of course he knows what needs doing, he just doesn't do it because he is a lazy git.

YADNBU to want him to do 50% of the home stuff, but I think it sounds like you need clear segregation of household duties to implement that because otherwise he won't think about it, and rather than complain about that, just work with what you've got (i.e. a DH who probably just doesn't notice). My DH, for example, is in charge of floors - hoovering and mopping with the steam cleaner once a week - and I do bathrooms/kitchen. Laundry I tend to put on but he's responsible for folding/putting away. Meal planning is me (I write shopping lists) and he'll go to get what's on the list. He sorts out gardening, bins, window cleaner, electrical stuff, driving to the dump.

Have a decent calm conversation about how duties are split, then it will become much easier for him to know when he's falling behind.

These might help? https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/647409/the-fair-play-deck-by-eve-rodsky/9780593231661/

Split the jobs and make the whole thing the responsibility of one person.

If he's generally home earlier then it makes sense for him to do food. So cooking dinner but also meal planning and shopping.

Washing up/loading the dishwasher can be kids' job.

If laundry is your job then you do the whole thing, washing, drying, putting away.

Go through all the jobs needed and assign them to a person.

It’s pathetic and it will not improve. I’d bet any amount of money on that. You have to understand the deeper level of laziness and disrespect at play here. My teenage boys understand that running a house takes work, so why would a grown man need to be repeatedly told what to do? Is he a moron? No. Does he have learning difficulties? No. He is making a choice to get away with doing as little as humanly possible, and knows full well that the only way that his shortfall is made up, is by you! He knows, and he still does it. Just focus on that. He knows.