Context & Background:
Ages & Duration: 17M and 17F. Dating for under 4 months (talking for 3 months prior).
Emotional Dynamic: I am more emotionally expressive and tend to overthink. She is much more stoic. She was the first to say "I love you."
Past History: About 2 months ago, we had a brief talk about effort, and she stepped up and fixed it. However, I generally feel like I put in more overall effort (around a 70/30 or 65/35 split).
The Breakdown & Current Situation:
Recently, I was dealing with a lot of anxiety, stress, and overthinking that I didn't know how to handle. I started venting to my girlfriend a lot—probably too much. A few days ago, after breaking down crying at our homecoming after-party, we had a very long, heavy conversation the next morning explaining everything.
Two days after that, she communicated a boundary with me: she said my situation was taking a heavy mental toll on her because she kept trying to "fix" the problem. She also said she felt like I expected or wanted something from her that she didn't know how to give.
I took this to heart and have been working a ton on my mental health over the last two weeks, and I'm genuinely doing much better now. However, ever since that heavy talk, a major effort imbalance and distance has set in:
I'm always the one asking to hang out and planning things.
She is not initiating conversations anymore (though when we do talk, her texting style is fine).
Recent example: Yesterday I texted her good morning, but she didn't reply until after practice ("didn't see this, good afternoon"). We talked briefly about our runs that day, and I sent the last text. We had our senior night later, but she didn't text me after we got back. We won't see each other today, are both busy tomorrow until a shared party in the evening, and have vague plans for Sunday that aren't locked in yet.
Where I'm At Right Now:
About a day ago, I realized I was overcompensating for her lack of effort, so I decided to step back—no double-texting, not planning hangouts until she does, and waiting for her to initiate. She hasn't stepped up yet, and because I stopped initiating, we barely have any emotional connection right now.
I know she loves and cares about me, but this dynamic is exhausting. I just want our efforts to be closer to 50/50.
My Questions for Advice:
- At what point do I communicate my needs and boundaries about this effort imbalance, and how can I expect that conversation to go?
- Is there any chance I can avoid having another heavy conversation and just trust that she will step up on her own once she decompresses? (She has proven in the past that she can initiate and plan when asked).
- Was her telling me about the pressure a fair boundary, or does it sound like she is using it as an excuse to block me out emotionally?
- How should I handle texting over the next couple of days? We barely talked yesterday despite being in the same places, won't see each other today, and only see each other briefly tomorrow night.