Relationship imbalance

[Gnoney03]

Context & Background:
Ages & Duration: 17M and 17F. Dating for under 4 months (talking for 3 months prior).
Emotional Dynamic: I am more emotionally expressive and tend to overthink. She is much more stoic. She was the first to say "I love you."
Past History: About 2 months ago, we had a brief talk about effort, and she stepped up and fixed it. However, I generally feel like I put in more overall effort (around a 70/30 or 65/35 split).
The Breakdown & Current Situation:
Recently, I was dealing with a lot of anxiety, stress, and overthinking that I didn't know how to handle. I started venting to my girlfriend a lot—probably too much. A few days ago, after breaking down crying at our homecoming after-party, we had a very long, heavy conversation the next morning explaining everything.
Two days after that, she communicated a boundary with me: she said my situation was taking a heavy mental toll on her because she kept trying to "fix" the problem. She also said she felt like I expected or wanted something from her that she didn't know how to give.
I took this to heart and have been working a ton on my mental health over the last two weeks, and I'm genuinely doing much better now. However, ever since that heavy talk, a major effort imbalance and distance has set in:
I'm always the one asking to hang out and planning things.
She is not initiating conversations anymore (though when we do talk, her texting style is fine).
Recent example: Yesterday I texted her good morning, but she didn't reply until after practice ("didn't see this, good afternoon"). We talked briefly about our runs that day, and I sent the last text. We had our senior night later, but she didn't text me after we got back. We won't see each other today, are both busy tomorrow until a shared party in the evening, and have vague plans for Sunday that aren't locked in yet.
Where I'm At Right Now:
About a day ago, I realized I was overcompensating for her lack of effort, so I decided to step back—no double-texting, not planning hangouts until she does, and waiting for her to initiate. She hasn't stepped up yet, and because I stopped initiating, we barely have any emotional connection right now.
I know she loves and cares about me, but this dynamic is exhausting. I just want our efforts to be closer to 50/50.
My Questions for Advice:

1. At what point do I communicate my needs and boundaries about this effort imbalance, and how can I expect that conversation to go?
2. Is there any chance I can avoid having another heavy conversation and just trust that she will step up on her own once she decompresses? (She has proven in the past that she can initiate and plan when asked).
3. Was her telling me about the pressure a fair boundary, or does it sound like she is using it as an excuse to block me out emotionally?
4. How should I handle texting over the next couple of days? We barely talked yesterday despite being in the same places, won't see each other today, and only see each other briefly tomorrow night.

Well, no, because if she wanted to ‘reach out’ first, she already would be. She isn’t. So what you mean by ‘worked on’ is that she needs to change how she wants to text to how you want her to. Ergo, controlling.

relationships really aren’t supposed to be this much hard work!

id end your relationship and focus on what you want.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket

The best thing you can do is focus on school, friends, sports, college applications and to just enjoy the time you spend with her without turning it into a big over analysed drama.

You are only in charge of your own behaviour. You cannot make her be more pro-active about getting in touch. If she isn’t doing it it’s because she doesn’t want to.

It is only possible to improve a relationship if both partners want to. You need to chill out a bit and see what happens. If you start banging on about how she needs to do xyz thing thats a really good way to make sure she doesn’t get in touch.

How does one challenge you op in anything in life, if anything anyone says is considered an attack by you?

Yall clearly haven’t experienced anxiety FFS!

Kindly, I think dealing with your mental health struggles in such a new relationship is causing her to back away. She's probably feeling overwhelmed with it and like it's too much. The beginning of a relationship should be light-hearted, fun and exciting. It shouldn't be hard work.

It might be best for you to end this relationship and work on yourself, get some help for your anxiety. You're not ready for a healthy and equal relationship while you're feeling like this.

Turn it around the other way OP. If you had a girlfriend who was constantly nagging you to text her and kept whining that you didn’t initiate meeting up, how would you feel? And when you did see her, if she was dumping all her problems, issues and insecurities on you, how would you feel at the end of the date? Would you have enjoyed her company? Or would you have found her needy and draining?

Dating at 17 is meant to be fun. It shouldn’t need to be worked on. Expecting a 17 year old girl to prop you up is unfair and deeply unattractive.

You need to stop dating until you’ve sorted yourself out. You need to be bringing positivity, fun and laughter into a girlfriend’s life, not be treating her as a free therapist. I’m not surprised she’s backing off. If she was my DD I’d be advising her to run a mile.

Why are you so anxious?

Mate. You are a kid, AI posting on a predominantly UK site where blunt British women will tell you to grow up and stop being so silly.

Can y'all understand that?

He struggles to understand 'You're incompatible.'

Most relationships at this age don’t survive. None of them should be this intense at this stage. You need to make a choice. Either scale back and enjoy a light, teenage relationship for the rest of the school year, or end the relationship now.

My daughter is this age and I would be advising her to end this if it didn’t change very quickly.

Of all the people I imagine other users are on this forum, 17 year old boys were waaaay down on my list.

I only read the thread and I feel suffocated tbh. @Gnoney03 You don't need a relationship right now. Grow up a bit first. I was going to say get some therapy but I will say the contrary ; stop focussing so much on your inner life and go out in the world and focus on people around you for a bit.

I don't know if it'll make any difference to hear this from a man but what the hell:

1. The fact that you've improved over the last couple of weeks doesn't mean that the prior days/weeks/months where you were way too intense and demanding instantly vanishes from her memory. Yes, you're trying to get better. No, that doesn't mean she has to necessarily believe that you've had an instant personality transplant unless you consistently show it over a long period of time.

2. She's taking a step back because you're too much for her. Again, the fact that for the last dozen or so days you've tried to dial it back doesn't negate what happened before then. She's entirely in the right to tell you that you were being overwhelming.

3. I know that you're going to hate me saying this but you're both teenagers. Angst and introspection are expected in teenage relationships but the level of emotional draining-out you've done can be overwhelming.

4. She's finding you a drag on her life and happiness rather than a boon. If you stop being so demanding of her and appreciate that she's her own person with her own hang-ups and needs, her own desires and aspirations, rather than just being your emotional support animal then you might, just might, have a chance of reconciling. But realistically this relationship is probably spiralling the drain.

5. If this really is the end of the relationship then that's ok. Learn from it. Think about what worked in the relationship for you, what didn't work, and put the effort in to changing the aspects of yourself that sucked. Meanwile also appreciate the bits of you that are good and wholesome while also recognising the aspects of your future partner(s) that are important to you and that you will actively seek out as well as those bits that you can live with.

I know it may not feel like it, but the end of a teenage relationship is not the end of the world. If that's what it comes to then use it as a learning experience and come out the other side a wiser man.

You are right. Your overthinking. Right now focus on enjoying the company of your girlfriend. Stop thinking the effort is 70/30. You cannot control how quickly she texts you back or how much effort she puts into
the relationship.
what else do you have going on? Work? Friends? Exercise? Hobbies? Choose other things to focus on as well.

This post was made when in the middle of the drawing back period. I haven't been intense at all, we have just been casually texting. I completely agree I think I needed her to say that so I could get my head straight. She never described until that talk that it was becoming a burden on her. And during that talk she said she was telling me this so it doesn't become a problem. Which is why I'm fixing myself. Should I continue to give her the space or reach out. That was the entire point of this post, not whether or not I have some gapping hole in myself and I'm a terrible person.

Give her space. See a medical practitioner about your anxiety.

She probably didn't need to do any of the initiating because you'd likely set a dynamic of doing that in overdrive early on. Think of it as a reset button and stop that behavior, giving her space to lob the ball back. If you mellow out, and don't always initiate and don't double text, maybe over time you'll see if she misses you and reaches out first for communication and to ask you out.

In that way, it'll be a better gauge of her interest or lack of it. Sometimes a person is a coward in breaking up and will still accept a call or a date, but their heart's no longer in it. But if their partner stops or lessens reaching out, they will be happy to let that person fade away from their life. So try that new approach and see how she responds. Because you don't want to be with someone if they don't really want to be with you, do you?

Have a wait-and-see attitude. If a person doesn't match you in their dating style, it'll never work. But that dating style should fit the norms, where as said, you have a fulfilling life besides your dating world.

Just know that most young people have many dating experiences before being ready to know who will be the keeper. We all also should be learning from our mistakes during dating for better success in future relationships. Good luck with everything, including your mental health. What have your parents suggested in dealing with your anxiety?

You’ve been together 4 months. This is batshit.

Is this relationship adding to your anxiety?

I'll wager it's added to hers.

She’s not that into you.
Read between the lines. It’s not what she’s saying, it’s what she’s not saying.

Back off.

She might like having you around but on her terms. In reality she’s probably not that interested but doesn’t know how to tell you.

It all sounds very heavy, stifling, controlling. Let it go.

This is all far too deep for a teenage relationship. You should be besotted and giggling like school children together and excited for each others messages.

This all sounds quite frankly emotionally draining, heavy and like a lot of responsibility on her behalf.

You need to be single and to work on your mental health before you enter into a relationship.

You don’t “work at” relationships when you are 17. You have fun, break up, enjoy time with friends, study, hang out with someone else…

17 isn’t about falling in love, deep dissections of levels of contact, emotional burdens and tests.

Let this one go. Relax a bit. See what happens in the future. There’s no rush.