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Original poster

How do I initiate again. Regain the spark!

46 replies

1LoyalLion · 15/10/2026 01:17

Me and my wife(both in our mid 30s) are having troubles initiating sex. We have gone though a rough patch and it seems we kind of lost our spark a little. Our sex life wasnt always the best and between kids and my job, her toxic sister and life, i was always tired so we ended up being maybe a couple times a month people. And that was our life for years. Last year I found out she was talking to a guy online for like a month because things, were not changing enough for her, we talked, she ended it, and I fixed somethings, I love her and want to be with her. But im not gonna lie its a journey for me to get over it. She expects it to just POOF and be gone. Im trying. Flip to now, She started working a night job and now claims she is tired all the time but and I just feel like idk how to "woo" her into "wanting it" I try to schedule us time but then she is tired from work and idk anymore. Sometimes it seems like she doesn't know how to initiate either. Other than walking in the room naked( which let's be honest, I'm a guy, my instincts wouldn't let me say no to that) but she has to want to do that first.
Any thoughts, comments, opinions?

OP posts:
OMGDidYouSayThat · 15/10/2026 01:52

Depends on how you choose to look at it, some would say wine and dine her, treat her, give her your undivided attention. But, and it’s a big But, the psychology behind how to attract her back and to make her want you again says something very different, it suggests that you do the opposite, you concentrate on yourself, you work on your confidence and don’t simp.

It sounds counter intuitive but it makes sense in some ways, think about it like this, from my personal experience what a lot of women seem to need isn’t the same as what they want, they need a good solid man, security, good morals, loyalty, but what they want is excitement, treat them mean, keep them keen is the phrase that springs to mind. Women love a bastard, fact, not all men are capable of being that, those that aren’t capable are the ones they need not necessarily the ones they want!

I’m not saying be a bastard but what i am saying is research the psychology behind what attracts the opposite sex, what they are drawn to and what is perceived as weakness. It’s complicated and won’t be the same for everyone.

I’m still trying to get my head around it and because i’m not capable of being a bastard women aren’t really attracted to me for the right reasons, i’m what they need but after a while i’m seen as safe not exciting, so ultimately not what they want! Don’t be me it sucks 🤣

Givemethatcontrolpanelnow · 15/10/2026 01:56

Start with cuddles without expecting sex, holding hands when out, leaving little notes of affection or texts when you're away from eachother etc.
A shared bottle of wine on a date night without the dcs at home might help relax you both. It has to be effort from both sides. It'll seem strange at first but if you both want to make it work then there's every chance it will.
What many will suggest is marriage counselling but thats time and money and not everyone needs it or likes that option. A good counselling book might help? There's also lots online.

Onceuponatime32 · 15/10/2026 01:59

1LoyalLion · 15/10/2026 01:17

Me and my wife(both in our mid 30s) are having troubles initiating sex. We have gone though a rough patch and it seems we kind of lost our spark a little. Our sex life wasnt always the best and between kids and my job, her toxic sister and life, i was always tired so we ended up being maybe a couple times a month people. And that was our life for years. Last year I found out she was talking to a guy online for like a month because things, were not changing enough for her, we talked, she ended it, and I fixed somethings, I love her and want to be with her. But im not gonna lie its a journey for me to get over it. She expects it to just POOF and be gone. Im trying. Flip to now, She started working a night job and now claims she is tired all the time but and I just feel like idk how to "woo" her into "wanting it" I try to schedule us time but then she is tired from work and idk anymore. Sometimes it seems like she doesn't know how to initiate either. Other than walking in the room naked( which let's be honest, I'm a guy, my instincts wouldn't let me say no to that) but she has to want to do that first.
Any thoughts, comments, opinions?

What are the things you fixed?

Original poster
1LoyalLion · 15/10/2026 02:38

Onceuponatime32 · 15/10/2026 01:59

What are the things you fixed?

Show quote history

She said I would come home in a bad mood alot, she actually complained about our lack of sex life, and just some lack of intimacy. But I've gotten better at my mood and decompressing before coming home, and being intimate( non sexual). But it's seems like the shoe is on the other foot now.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 15/10/2026 02:41

Golly.
Another post from a man who says he isn't getting enough sex.
Hmm

chattyness · 15/10/2026 03:06

maybe she really is tired OP!
You need to show each other non sexual affection first, hand holding, hugs, doing nice things for each other.etc
Remember how you were together when you were dating & first married, nothing is too much trouble then is it you want to impress each othet, but you need to work on that your whole life & don't let It go. It doesn't have to be grand flashy gestures , the odd bunch of flowers here and there, breakfast in bed even if its just tea & toast, little surprises. Working together on stuff around the house & garden. If either of you asks for help with something don't make excuses or put things off like ( yeah I'll do it tomorrow) just get up & go help! Don't take each other for granted, you need to know you can rely on each other, say please and thank you, it matters. When you start to feel like a team again, the affection will begin to grow and then the rest will follow. All the little things you think don't matter ? They DO.

Also for future reference , I know you didn't say it OP, but women DON'T love a bastard. That phrase " treat them mean keep them keen" ? file that under "words an asshole narcissist lives by"

Treat people how you want to be treated yourself.

moderate · 15/10/2026 06:48

How much housework, home admin and kids life admin do you do?

VioletsTale · 15/10/2026 06:55

Depends what the actual issue is. Do you want more sex, or are you worried that if you fall back into old patterns she’ll start talking to another man again?

Festivfrenzy · 15/10/2026 07:06

OMGDidYouSayThat · 15/10/2026 01:52

Depends on how you choose to look at it, some would say wine and dine her, treat her, give her your undivided attention. But, and it’s a big But, the psychology behind how to attract her back and to make her want you again says something very different, it suggests that you do the opposite, you concentrate on yourself, you work on your confidence and don’t simp.

It sounds counter intuitive but it makes sense in some ways, think about it like this, from my personal experience what a lot of women seem to need isn’t the same as what they want, they need a good solid man, security, good morals, loyalty, but what they want is excitement, treat them mean, keep them keen is the phrase that springs to mind. Women love a bastard, fact, not all men are capable of being that, those that aren’t capable are the ones they need not necessarily the ones they want!

I’m not saying be a bastard but what i am saying is research the psychology behind what attracts the opposite sex, what they are drawn to and what is perceived as weakness. It’s complicated and won’t be the same for everyone.

I’m still trying to get my head around it and because i’m not capable of being a bastard women aren’t really attracted to me for the right reasons, i’m what they need but after a while i’m seen as safe not exciting, so ultimately not what they want! Don’t be me it sucks 🤣

Edited

Don’t listen to this for starters. Treat em mean keep em keen is absolute BS and typically espoused by single men following Tate et al.

Don’t be a simp as PP said is not the same as being mean. You can be thoughtful caring and still be a decisive, strong partner, proactively managing the kids and housework to let her sleep whilst booking childcare and a restaurant/comedy night/cinema.

Listen to what she needs but think about what you need too. You both need time alone in the house, sofa time, hobby time, friends time. Get fit, get her fit, do a healthy food shop for all of you and take on cooking responsibilities- do cooking with the kids, take them to sports clubs or run with them in a park - that’s what she’ll value and admire and love you for. Be a central figure in the family that she and your kids can rely on and don’t let her down. That’s what women want.

Festivfrenzy · 15/10/2026 07:07

chattyness · 15/10/2026 03:06

maybe she really is tired OP!
You need to show each other non sexual affection first, hand holding, hugs, doing nice things for each other.etc
Remember how you were together when you were dating & first married, nothing is too much trouble then is it you want to impress each othet, but you need to work on that your whole life & don't let It go. It doesn't have to be grand flashy gestures , the odd bunch of flowers here and there, breakfast in bed even if its just tea & toast, little surprises. Working together on stuff around the house & garden. If either of you asks for help with something don't make excuses or put things off like ( yeah I'll do it tomorrow) just get up & go help! Don't take each other for granted, you need to know you can rely on each other, say please and thank you, it matters. When you start to feel like a team again, the affection will begin to grow and then the rest will follow. All the little things you think don't matter ? They DO.

Also for future reference , I know you didn't say it OP, but women DON'T love a bastard. That phrase " treat them mean keep them keen" ? file that under "words an asshole narcissist lives by"

Treat people how you want to be treated yourself.

This!! ⬆️

Robertsmithsnan · 15/10/2026 08:19

I'm sorry but if a female posted posted about their DH talking to another woman online for a month posters would tell her to LTB. She was having an emotional affair!

OP sit down with your OH, ask her if she wants to save the marriage, if she does then you need to go to counselling, individual and as a couple.

OMGDidYouSayThat · 15/10/2026 10:43

Festivfrenzy · 15/10/2026 07:06

Don’t listen to this for starters. Treat em mean keep em keen is absolute BS and typically espoused by single men following Tate et al.

Don’t be a simp as PP said is not the same as being mean. You can be thoughtful caring and still be a decisive, strong partner, proactively managing the kids and housework to let her sleep whilst booking childcare and a restaurant/comedy night/cinema.

Listen to what she needs but think about what you need too. You both need time alone in the house, sofa time, hobby time, friends time. Get fit, get her fit, do a healthy food shop for all of you and take on cooking responsibilities- do cooking with the kids, take them to sports clubs or run with them in a park - that’s what she’ll value and admire and love you for. Be a central figure in the family that she and your kids can rely on and don’t let her down. That’s what women want.

Show quote history

I'm not suggesting he treats her mean, i'm just getting him to think about what she may want...

I think you're right in some ways, some women will want what you've suggested (they are the decent ones) and some will need what you've suggested but it won't be what they want...want and need are 2 very different things when it comes to relationships and attraction.

Onceuponatime32 · 15/10/2026 11:01

Why did it take for her to talk to another man for you to make changes? You must have known she was unhappy?

And why were you so tired all the time?

secretrocker · 15/10/2026 11:11

moderate · 15/10/2026 06:48

How much housework, home admin and kids life admin do you do?

That old chestnut!

SnowFrogJelly · 15/10/2026 11:14

Try sharing some sexy texts with her to build up the anticipation

SnowFrogJelly · 15/10/2026 11:15

moderate · 15/10/2026 06:48

How much housework, home admin and kids life admin do you do?

🙄

Loubelou71 · 15/10/2026 11:17

Make her feel supported and looked after. Share the mental load, so things without being asked, seems interested in her day. Be affectionate without it having to lead to sex.

moderate · 15/10/2026 12:22

moderate · 15/10/2026 06:48

How much housework, home admin and kids life admin do you do?

Why so dismissive, @secretrocker and @SnowFrogJelly? It’s not a trick question.

Dandeloosha · 15/10/2026 12:36

OMGDidYouSayThat · 15/10/2026 01:52

Depends on how you choose to look at it, some would say wine and dine her, treat her, give her your undivided attention. But, and it’s a big But, the psychology behind how to attract her back and to make her want you again says something very different, it suggests that you do the opposite, you concentrate on yourself, you work on your confidence and don’t simp.

It sounds counter intuitive but it makes sense in some ways, think about it like this, from my personal experience what a lot of women seem to need isn’t the same as what they want, they need a good solid man, security, good morals, loyalty, but what they want is excitement, treat them mean, keep them keen is the phrase that springs to mind. Women love a bastard, fact, not all men are capable of being that, those that aren’t capable are the ones they need not necessarily the ones they want!

I’m not saying be a bastard but what i am saying is research the psychology behind what attracts the opposite sex, what they are drawn to and what is perceived as weakness. It’s complicated and won’t be the same for everyone.

I’m still trying to get my head around it and because i’m not capable of being a bastard women aren’t really attracted to me for the right reasons, i’m what they need but after a while i’m seen as safe not exciting, so ultimately not what they want! Don’t be me it sucks 🤣

Edited

A single man wrote this - ‘I’m a good guy and that’s why I can’t get laid’. You’re not going to reconnect with your wife by being a bastard or reading reverse psychology textbooks. Women aren’t stupid.

Talk to your wife, consider relationship counselling, and spend time together without the kids - even a walk, a movie, or dinner - create the time and space to remember what you liked about each other.

OriginalSkang · 15/10/2026 12:37

Oh, another one of these

Thebutterflyslovemybush · 15/10/2026 12:44

Onceuponatime32 · 15/10/2026 11:01

Why did it take for her to talk to another man for you to make changes? You must have known she was unhappy?

And why were you so tired all the time?

Would you say that to a woman who posted about her husband texting other men?

OMGDidYouSayThat · 15/10/2026 13:02

Dandeloosha · 15/10/2026 12:36

A single man wrote this - ‘I’m a good guy and that’s why I can’t get laid’. You’re not going to reconnect with your wife by being a bastard or reading reverse psychology textbooks. Women aren’t stupid.

Talk to your wife, consider relationship counselling, and spend time together without the kids - even a walk, a movie, or dinner - create the time and space to remember what you liked about each other.

Show quote history

Nope, a married man wrote this, i'm not suggesting he should be a bastard i'm just saying that what women need isn't always the same as what they want.

Onceuponatime32 · 15/10/2026 13:14

OMGDidYouSayThat · 15/10/2026 13:02

Nope, a married man wrote this, i'm not suggesting he should be a bastard i'm just saying that what women need isn't always the same as what they want.

Show quote history

You’re taking your own personal experience and applying it to millions of women you’ve never met.

Just because a woman isn’t attracted to a particular man doesn’t mean she wants to be treated badly. It means she doesn’t feel a connection.

A man bitterly said something similar to me when I turned down a date with him. I just didn’t like him. And I liked him even less after he concluded he was losing out to a bastard.

Original poster
1LoyalLion · 15/10/2026 13:33

VioletsTale · 15/10/2026 06:55

Depends what the actual issue is. Do you want more sex, or are you worried that if you fall back into old patterns she’ll start talking to another man again?

I think it's safe to say when someone cheats, fear lingers around for a bit. But this isnt really about just sex .it's about how she has changed. She used to want it more, and now since working and what happend. It's seems like she cares less about sex, which caught me off guard.
Honestly I just want to us to get us back to a more level place with everything as relationship

OP posts:
OMGDidYouSayThat · 15/10/2026 13:33

Onceuponatime32 · 15/10/2026 13:14

You’re taking your own personal experience and applying it to millions of women you’ve never met.

Just because a woman isn’t attracted to a particular man doesn’t mean she wants to be treated badly. It means she doesn’t feel a connection.

A man bitterly said something similar to me when I turned down a date with him. I just didn’t like him. And I liked him even less after he concluded he was losing out to a bastard.

Show quote history

No, you misunderstand me, the difference between need and want isn't about being treated badly, it's about the need being the nice stuff and the want being the exciting stuff.

An example might be you're in a secure stable relationship where everything is good but a bit 'samey' and predictable, so you have what you probably need, but, if you crave excitement and spontaneity you might not be getting what you want.

Without tarring every man and woman with the same brush as i'm fully aware that everyone is different, there are a lot of people out there that like a 'project' someone who isn't what they need but might be if they can fix them.