How do I initiate again. Regain the spark!

[1LoyalLion]

Me and my wife(both in our mid 30s) are having troubles initiating sex. We have gone though a rough patch and it seems we kind of lost our spark a little. Our sex life wasnt always the best and between kids and my job, her toxic sister and life, i was always tired so we ended up being maybe a couple times a month people. And that was our life for years. Last year I found out she was talking to a guy online for like a month because things, were not changing enough for her, we talked, she ended it, and I fixed somethings, I love her and want to be with her. But im not gonna lie its a journey for me to get over it. She expects it to just POOF and be gone. Im trying. Flip to now, She started working a night job and now claims she is tired all the time but and I just feel like idk how to "woo" her into "wanting it" I try to schedule us time but then she is tired from work and idk anymore. Sometimes it seems like she doesn't know how to initiate either. Other than walking in the room naked( which let's be honest, I'm a guy, my instincts wouldn't let me say no to that) but she has to want to do that first.
Any thoughts, comments, opinions?

I think in most relationships when someone pulls back you will naturally wonder what's changed, i don't think there is always an easy explanation for it, if she was cheating etc you'd have your answer but she might just be worn out, emotionally drained, you may have inadvertently caused her to pull back with something you've said or done, or not done. The only way you will know is to sit down and have an adult conversation.

We share the load, sometimes makes dinners together when we can, she starts if I'm not home yet and then I finish with her.( that's how it used to be before her job) I am home most nights with the kids now, I wake the kids up for school, I've been the type of man to open the doors for her, hold her hand when we are walking around in public and what not since we started dating

I want way more than that, I want my marriage to be happy, I basically wait on my wife hand and foot. She doesn't feel like getting up ill get it, when it's bed time and I'll grab all her stuff (phone, cup, etc.) As we head to the room, I still open up doors for my wife after all these years because that's just who I am. So no it's not just about me wanting to get sex. It's about connection with my wife. Any and all connections that is, and I'm willing to fight for my marriage to fix it. Sex, or should I say "making love" with my wife is just a part of it I'd like to fix.

You’ve described years of physical disconnect and while it’s positive you’ve made changes it’s not going to magically fix years of her feeling neglected and unattractive. Not to mention the dread of someone regularly coming home in a bad mood.

In your wife’s shoes I would wonder whether you are wanting to reconnect out of fear, instead of genuine desire. Making changes when you’re scared of losing someone isn’t the same as authenticating trying to connect.

I notice you said your wife “claims” to be tired all the time which suggests you don’t entirely believe her. When you were tired, your sex life suffered for years. Now she is tired and you don’t seem to think her exhaustion is as valid as yours.

What was really happening in those years when you were so tired you were only having sex twice a month? Do you have a health condition, use porn? Were you attracted to her? Because you sound like you were very checked out.

As much as i like the physical act i know exactly where you are coming from, i think for me the only way i can describe it is that rightly or wrongly i need validation, i need to feel desired, wanted, attractive to my wife, unfortunately when she doesn't initiate, reach out or even really touch me anymore it does mental damage that i can't really describe, you know what, even if she just touched me without any prompting in a way that said i want you but didn't actually end up physical it would tell me she still viewed me in that way.

Unfortunately that ship appears to have sailed, but, for you i think it sounds like with some TLC and a bit of re-bonding that you might get that validation, i hope you do as living life wondering why your wife no longer wants to get close to you is one of the worst things i've ever experienced.

To be honest, i belive she is tired most of the time its just sometimes she ends up staying up playing on a game or watching tv, and if she isn't in the mood then fine, it's just not how she used to be. We had a good deep conversation like 2 weeks before I found out she had been talking with someone and that's when I started realizing how things were and that's when i started trying to get better, we both got to have a real conversation about our feelings for the first time in a while, when i was "Tired" i was dealing with My depression, and she has a alcoholic sister, that really just messed with our life alot and my wife wouldn't let her go, always having to save her, so that had its effect on us. I got bumped down alot. So I was not only physically exhausted from working 9-12 hour days but then mentally, and then the second I came home I was dealing with kids, and chores, so i didn't get to decompress. I tried not to be upset walking in but it's hard not having a minute. And yea i can see your point a put the fear making me work harder but I recognize that I had a hand to play with her being disconnected. She didn't have to cheat, We could've been adults, but this road didn't come out of nowhere. But I look at this like a wake up call. We both realized what we really want, we had our way out, but it's just a little hard getting back on track. I've always been attracted to her. I look at her with or without clothes on and I'm starstruck. I could stare at her and forget what I'm thinking about, I love just touching her skin. Now saying all that i do watch porn but it doesn't effect how i see my wife. I've told my wife I'd much rather have her over that stuff.

Things that make me fancy my husband:

• Confidence
• Physically fit, good body
• Humour
• He doesn't bring his bad day at work home
• He's a provider
• I can rely on him to do what he'll say and say what he means
• He's a great dad, very hands on when he's home
• He's strong, physically and mentally
• He always smells nice
• He fancies me and shows it

Hopefully this might give you an idea where you could improve. You can't make her fancy you more necessarily, but you can probably make yourself more fanciable.

Your description of being star struck by her yet being too tired for sex more than twice a month isn’t really stacking up.

During those years you were too tired for sex how many times a month were you honestly using porn?

What did she commit to changing or doing to salvage the relationship when the affair came to light? Is she actually committed to repairing this, or has she already checked out?

If she is truly committed to rebuilding the relationship - note my choice of word: rebuilding - you need to approach this as a brand-new connection. Day Zero. She cannot be treated as an established partner right now. Put any expectation of holding hands, kissing, or intimacy entirely off the table for the next 6 to 12 months.

Instead, treat her like a housemate in a shared flat whom you fancy and want to get to know. Be strategic in your conversations - curious, engaging, but never presumptuous and never jumping the gun. You need to cultivate personal interests and be an interesting person in your own right.

You must also take pride in your appearance at home: stay well-groomed, hygienic, and sharply dressed. For now, home cannot simply be a sanctuary to unwind in after work; it is a stage.

This is what the next 6 to 12 months will require if you are serious about winning her back.

At the end of that period, you might still find that the marriage cannot be saved. However, by that point, you will be a disciplined, well-groomed, articulate, and well-dressed man. You will be far more appealing than before, placing you in a much stronger position to move forward and find a new partner if it comes to that. Good luck.

I know only to explain as, i was and will always be madly in love with my wife, but depression and anxiety has had an impact on me. I know that played a part in some of the disconnect and I'm working on that, and during those years I probably used porn once a week. But I wasn't exactly to tired for sex, I just worked all day got up early.i was too tired for everything. Even tried to see if I could wake her up in the morning for it but she isnt a morning person and it almost never worked out. She got to sleep so of course she had the energy. I wanted to have sex, just my schedule and hers was never aligned well. And it always seemed like her sacrifice was accept she was initiating it more and mine was that if we were gonna do it then i wasn't gonna get much sleep which was counter productive to the problem, and craziest part is when do have sex, we love it.

There is a glaring contradiction in your statements about being madly attracted to your wife versus years of limited intimacy.

Are you still working at the same job? Is your anxiety and depression being treated? Is tiredness still an issue?

Your wife will have to rebuild trust after cheating. She shouldn’t have done that. But you will have to rebuild trust after disconnecting and not taking her concerns seriously. I wonder if your big statements about being madly in love with her are actually making things worse. The bottom line is you haven’t behaved like someone who is madly attracted to his wife so unfortunately these statements don’t seem very genuine.

Actually it’s a post from someone who has been cheated on by a spouse who says it is his fault for not being intimate enough and he wants to work out how to make it so that he gives her what she wants.

If this were a woman who had been cheated on by her husband and who now was trying to work out how to be sexy enough and initiate enough sex to keep her cheating spouse happy she would be told to LTB

@1LoyalLion do you really think you deserve to feel how you have been made to feel. It seems like you’ve been expected to work on yourself when she is the one who was unfaithful…she should have worked on herself to prove she is worthy of your love, not the other way around.

Maybe if she put some effort into your lives instead of you doing it all then you would be more inclined to woo her.

Literally reverse the sexes on this and you would be being screamed at to leave because you aren’t respected.

Maybe she's lost interest or Maybe her head's been turned again.
I'm also reasonably sure that being tired often doesn't a sex kitten make.

“What women want is different to what they need”?!!
🙄🙈
So given you know what all women want and need why are you posting on mn whining about your wife?? Don’t you know what she wants and needs?!

She sounds miserable..is it worth it?

I'm not hear to say I've done no wrong. I claimed my wrong doings, but She is a hard headed woman who has abandonment issues so she closes up. She is a control freak and when it doesn't go her way. She makes a fuss. It was just her and our middle kids( her 2 daughters back then) when we met so she still carries that need for miss INDEPENDENT, even though I remind her I'm ride or die, and its us against the world. But at same time I won't sit here and talk about EVERY thing my wife has done that made that disconnect get bigger before. I know I'm far from perfect and I messed up loosing sight of her but I'm not an butthole. Contrary to what it seems I'm a man who wants to be happy with his wife, which includes both our happiness and grow old with her

Your description of your wife as hard headed, control freak, miss INDEPENDENT is very revealing. There’s clearly a lot of resentment on your part. You’re not going to fix this by pretending to be star struck while secretly simmering with resentment.

I don’t do defensiveness. You came here asking for advice, but when asked if the issues causing the disconnect have been resolved you get defensive.

I’m not being paid to do emotional labour for a stranger, particularly one who responds to uncomfortable questions by becoming defensive and disparaging his wife.

If you’re genuinely looking for advice you will hear other perspectives that you might not like. Otherwise you are just here for validation.

Actually yes i do, what she needs is me (security, grounded, good dad, loving husband), what she wants is the excitement that i no longer bring after 20 years 😂well at least those are the vibes i'm getting anyway.

And i'm pretty sure i'm not whining about my wife, i'm merely stating what works in the marriage and what doesn't.

I get what you’re saying but think you’ve worded it badly. Esther Perel talks about this in her book mating in cavity. Essentially the things we want in a partner/relationship like safety and security are not the things that drive arousal. We want the unfamiliar, the excitement and the thrill. We want it all really and the point is how do we get it all and remain monogamous.

Agreed, your version makes much more sense 😉