Relationship with MIL.

[Ilovedogs1]

Hi. Myself and DH have been married almost 20 yrs. My relationship with my MIL has never been spectacular but recently I've been feeling I've had enough of it.
There isn't any major thing that has happened, more a death by a thousand cuts scenario.
Few examples, MIL would come to our house and turn off lights/appliances to save electric even though it isn't her house.
She will comment on the 'state' of my house, how I keep my dogs.
She calls our house DH house, 'because he pays for it' even though I work also and all our money goes into a joint account.
She arranged a holiday for her, DH and my kids (adult kids) but no invitation for me, not that I actually want to go. Various other things. Lately after another round of comments I decided to keep my distance for a bit. MIL then asked if she had upset me, so I told her why I'm upset. This was met with a cold response and numbered points as to why I'm wrong and she's right.
Am I being out of order or to sensitive?
Would you go LC or NC?

Thanks.

What does your husband think of his mother’s behaviour?. He is key here.

How did he and your adult children react when she booked this holiday without you?.

You need radiators in your life, not drains and she is a drain.

Respond to her numbers! Do any of them sound possibly ok? For example, my mum would say "I'm going to mydaughter'sname house, not mydaughter's and SIL's name", so that I'd let go. Wouldn't you say you're going to Cara's house this weekend, not add the name of her partner?
The not inviting you on holiday, make it clear that you expect to have it discussed before booking. Lights etc, you can say you're glad she understands climate change, but you need them on for the old dog or whatever, so please leave things alone in your house, as you do in hers.
Your partner and you should tell her together you like the way you keep your house/dogs, and while it's ok for her to offer an opinion once, you find it disrespectful to do it more than once.
Maybe take her out alone, so you get to know each other as people better? If you only see people-especially women- in a grandma/MIL/DIL role etc, it is easier for resentment to build up. Seeing her alone and getting to know her as a person might help. If it doesn't, well you tried, and you can remind her you work, so the state of the house is equally on her son!

Tell her to do one! I would not tolerate her bullying shit for a minute longer. The more she insults the more you retaliate. Don’t let her away with anything.
oh and tell your DH to grow a pair or else….

Oh tell her to knob off.

You don't have to have any relationship with her.

If your dh wants one with her he can facilitate it on his own.

Oh and no, the kids do not get to go on holiday without you. You can not trust MIL not to badmouth you to them.

If your DH has an issue shrug and tell him to sort it out himself.

My father in law is a prize boundary pushing bellend. He relies on everyone being silent as ‘it’s just him’. I pick him up on literally everything. You should do the same.

You never once mention how your husband's the main problem, since he should've been the one setting boundaries all along, which he clearly hasn't. How about trying marital counseling so the therapist can point out how it's his responsibility to make his primary family his priority and it's him that needs to set boundaries with his mother.

Did they actually go on the holiday?

@AttilaTheMeerkat my husband generally goes along the lines of 'it's just how she is'. We had a conversation about it the other night and I told him she's just rude. FIL died a couple of years ago and DH promised him he'd look after mother so I think he feels a type of responsibility his DF.
DH said he will try to back me more but we'll see.

id go no contact. Let DH have a relationship if he wants to.

@seahorsessky me and DH were once having a jokey banter about something to do with the house and MIL said it's his house so I can't tell him what to do.
@PaperMachePanda my kids are well into their 20's and they both complain about her.
@ScorpionLioness79 totally see your point. As I say I think it's down to DH feeling responsible for his promise to FIL.
I think I'm being fair by saying to DH I have decided I no longer want contact with her but he's obviously welcome to, it is his mum, but to support me with my decision.
I'm not going to make him choose.

She sounds like an arsehole.

@roseymoira DD said she can't put up with MIL for that long. It's booked for next year.
TBH it's to somewhere I have no interest in visiting but I think an invite is just polite good manners.

Fuck that. I wouldn’t stand for that unacceptable behaviour from a child, let alone an adult. Get her out of your life and leave her to stew in her own miserable juices. DH can see her and your children can choose whether they want to or not.

She's disrespectful to you so there's no reason for you to have a relationship with her. Sorry but your husband is a wimp if he allows his mother to be rude to his wife. If my MIL had ever said it's my husband's house because he pays for it, he would have set her straight immediately (as would I!) I certainly wouldn't sit there and take it.

Cut her out.
Tell him to see her at her house.
Stop tolerating it.

Save your precious time and energy and go no contact. She resents you. Let them all crack on if they can’t be bothered to stick up for you.

PLEASE tell me you responded by saying “I pay for this house as well you know! It’s my house just as much as his!”

If your adult DCs don't want to go on this holiday either then you need to support them that it's OK to say no.

Take care of his mother means that if she's ill or injured, he will make sure she's receiving the proper care, whether it be by him or that she's getting good medical care. I can't see how taking care of her means she can mistreat her DIL without consequences.

I'd buy a book about establishing boundaries with family members which you and your husband can read and have discussions about. I'd give him an ultimatum that if he doesn't apply the practices in the book and there's no improvement, then he'll have to be the one to inform his mother that she'll be seeing him only in her home on his own and not yours. No more family holiday gatherings which will include both you and her in the same abode.

I'd think that'd be the opposite of what his father meant by taking care of her and that'll be hurting her more than if boundaries had been set to begin with. When he married you, he should've said: I can't control whether or not you like my wife, but when you're in her presence, I expect you to be respectful and pleasant, just as I expect the same from her with you.

Just tell her life will be better if she stops being a twat for the sake of being a twat, stop making hurtful comments and stop trying to create a divide. Make sure your partner also makes it very clear that you deserve respect, if he can’t do that for you then tell him she’s not welcome in your house anymore and that he will have to visit her on his own instead.