Wont be a grandmother

[Giftfromangels]

My son is 28. He's my only child. I'm so proud of him and his career success. He's always been focused and motivated on reaching his goals. Next month he is also flying the nest. As his mum ive tried mentally preparing for this moment his whole life. It will be sad but I am happy for him. I want him to choose his own path in life but I'm upset and concerned about a few things and would appreciate some advice on how to move on and accept it.
He has been dating a girl now for 9 months. She is lovely and they seem so cute together, it's like they were meant for each other.
However my son is adamant he never wants to marry but also neither she nor him want children ever. The thought of no grandchildren saddens me more than I know it should. It's their life but it's a heartbreaking thought. Secondly his girlfriend hates Christmas and won't go to cinemas or theatres. She seems less socially as outgoing him. These are things my son loves to do and he loves Christmas. She is physically disabled, which I get is a consideration to take on board for activities to take part in but I worry to some degree my son will get affected by this and get socially withdrawn.
Am I daft for worrying too much.

If the likely lack of grandchildren is going to create a void in your later life, you need to make every effort to fill that void through other means. Maybe you could volunteer with a local brownie/guide/scout unit.

28 is quite old to be leaving home. You're bound to miss him, that's natural, but you'll get used to it. Will he live near you? You're bound to visit each other and it's lovely to see your child build an independent life. If he's got a good job he'll be able to enjoy his new life and kitting out his new home and showing it to you.

It's not wrong at all to be upset about his choice not to have children or his choice of girlfriend. He's a fully adult man and is fully able to make his own choices. I'm not saying this will happen but it's possible he may change his mind about children, or he may not. But it's so important for you to keep your upset to yourself and find a way of accepting that's his life choice and there's absolutely nothing at all you can do to influence him.

As for his girlfriend, it does sound like she may be restricting his life in some ways, but presumably he thinks it's worth it. Again it's his choice, even though you may not think she's ideal. Also it's a very short relationship so he may or may not stay with her long term.

If you want to continue your close relationship with him you must keep your feelings from him, but it's perfectly understandable that you have those feelings.

There are charities such as Befriend a Child who need volunteers to meet with a child once a week and build up a relationship with them doing activities or whatever the child needs. Also there is the charity Home Start which works with families where 1 child must be under 5 yrs old you work with the parent (s) but also interact a lot with the children they always need volunteers as well. Both of these organisations would give you the chance to really make a change in a child’s life not the same as a grandchild I know but a close relationship non the less and these children / families really need someone. I’m sure there are other charities out there or local parent child groups you could volunteer at or as PP’s say volunteer at older children’s activities there are loads of options.

The grandchildren thing is odd to my ears. It's really selfish (not judging, being literal) - you didn't say you're sad they won't experience the joys of parenthood, just that you won't have kids in your life anymore. But that is selfish because it isn't you who will pay for them or live with them etc. You can always volunteer your time as a 'friend' or mentor to young people - have a browse online for those roles. Fostering etc.

The other stuff you mentioned seemed more like you were concerned for him. If you feel able, you could have a chat with one or both of them to share your concerns about the holidays. I don't care much for Christmas/Consumerism either. And as I get older, it seems more and more absurd. You can spend time with family any day of the year! That 'holiday' is just an excuse to force people to spend money. It's just garbage!! Maybe offer to have a 'celebration' on a different day. Maybe try to understand what she doesn't like about it and help her have a fun day?

It sounds like you think otherwise they're a good match, which is a massive positive.

My neighbour is in her 70s with 2 children who are both in their 40s. Both of them are married but neither have any children. My neighbour seems to have a full life regardless always out and about with friends etc

He's only been dating her for 9 months OP so its a bit of a leap to imagine he's going to spend the rest of his life with her.

If I were you I'd concentrate on your own life. You've raised your child, he's happy and successful in life. Whether he chooses to have children or not with this partner, or another partner is completely beyond your remit.

Also 28 is young. He has plenty of time to have children should he choose to.

I understand OP. Neither of my DCs intend to have children . It's a big loss to me and one where you can't really get sympathy for . I know it is their choice but it does make me feel sad to think I will never have the opportunity to see them as parents . But it's important that we focus on our lives with our children gone and forging their own paths.

I was going to say the same thing. People don’t do the same things at the same ages that we used to. My dd is 23 and she’s more like I was at 18 (!) I had already had her by her age. She has absolutely no plans to settle down or have children for many years, if ever. And that’s fine. Obviously you just have to let them get on with it and don’t show any kind of judgement / opinion either way but I really wouldn’t worry at this stage, 20s is really young to be making these decisions now.

I’d take a big step back and concentrate on your own life and making it as fulfilling as possible, OP. At 28, I wasn’t even living on the same continent as my parents, and I didn’t plan to have children. I did in fact have a child at 40, but sensing my mother’s continual baffled disappointment that I didn’t have the kind of life she would have preferred me to have (leave school early, train as a hairdresser, marry young, stay local, be a SAHM to at least three children) hasn’t improved our relationship.

Those are your feelings. Find a way of dealing with them (therapy?) without making them his problem? You feel how you feel, but it’s equally your responsibility to manage those feelings.

My niece is an only child . She's married but doesn't want children .So my SiL and BiL ,who we are close to , probably wont have GC like yourself. I do empathise although there is nothing you can do about it . But 28 is still young and he has plenty of time to change his mind. Just be supportive of them . You can go on theatre trips with your DS while his partner isn't interested which will be a nice way to keep in touch .

Having grandchildren is not a right. I hope you don't put him under pressure.

You need to find your own interests.

Why was it important to see them as parents odd!

I think the diminishing social life is of more concern. Do they go and do other things such as meals etc? Or has he become her carer?

Do you actually think volunteering with Brownies etc would compensate one iota for the lack of grandchildren?I think not!

Agree

Things can change. You never know. They are young.

Lots of children could use a loving stable grown up in their life. My children have a non related nan. It doesn't matter. The bond is wonderful.

I have 2 adult children neither of whom have had children, or have partners with children. Whilst I am sad about not having grandchildren, I have also a deep relief that I (whilst still worrying about the way the world is) don't have to worry about direct descendents growing up in today's world.

So what do you suggest? Given that OP cannot magic grandchildren out of thin air? Are you seriously suggesting that anyone who lacks grandchildren should not seek fulfilment in other areas of life?

I find it really odd with posts like this when people suggest volunteering with children or acting as a substitute gran. I just wonder if anyone in this situation has ever done that and it helped fill the void of no grandchildren. I just feel people suggesting this can't be in this situation. I don't see how other people's children are a substitute for your own family. I am in that situation of having 2 'children' one approaching 40 the other just over. I had always hoped my son would have children, I know he likes them but for whatever reason ( I haven't had any conversation with them) but I'm pretty sure they are not going to have any and unfortunately my daughter is now over 40 and only recently in a long term relationship. But they are both happy which is great. I have always worked with young children which in some ways I think makes it harder not better for me. We would have loved grandchildren but are now getting a puppy!! To the OP I think there is plenty of time for your son. He is in a very new relationship so who can say it will be forever . He may meet someone who wants children and he will change his mind. I understand your upset and worries though as I am more than 10 years down the line and although it seems more common to choose not to have children it still seems to us older people to be the normal order of things.

I understand how you feel OP. My child is late 20s and doesn’t want children. Is in a long term relationship, I’ve no idea if their partner wants children or not.
DH and I would really love to be grandparents, it does feel like a loss but what can you do.