Wont be a grandmother

[Giftfromangels]

My son is 28. He's my only child. I'm so proud of him and his career success. He's always been focused and motivated on reaching his goals. Next month he is also flying the nest. As his mum ive tried mentally preparing for this moment his whole life. It will be sad but I am happy for him. I want him to choose his own path in life but I'm upset and concerned about a few things and would appreciate some advice on how to move on and accept it.
He has been dating a girl now for 9 months. She is lovely and they seem so cute together, it's like they were meant for each other.
However my son is adamant he never wants to marry but also neither she nor him want children ever. The thought of no grandchildren saddens me more than I know it should. It's their life but it's a heartbreaking thought. Secondly his girlfriend hates Christmas and won't go to cinemas or theatres. She seems less socially as outgoing him. These are things my son loves to do and he loves Christmas. She is physically disabled, which I get is a consideration to take on board for activities to take part in but I worry to some degree my son will get affected by this and get socially withdrawn.
Am I daft for worrying too much.

This is exactly how I feel. It’s bad enough having relatively young adult children who are having to grow older in this world. I feel enormous relief that they won’t be making me a grandparent

I have one son (14) and already know the odds are against my being a Grandma. It’s hard but life is hard.
Kittens? That’s my plan!

It’s not your DS responsibility to supply you with GC.

I don’t understand your point about his DP not liking cinema or theatre. Why would that impact him? He can go with mates or on his own.

If he likes golf and cricket and his DP doesn’t, would you think that was a problem?

You sound over involved. He has been in this relationship 9 months, it may or may not last. There are things which my DH enjoys which I don’t and vice versa but it’s fine we just continue to enjoy those things with other people.

Does he have friends he can socialise with? Do you have similar tastes in films/shows so you can go with him?

A fair few comments from people who misunderstand the desire to be a grandparent isn't something you can switch on or off anymore than wanting to be a parent in the first place. Of course you have no control of the former and it isn't right to raise the issue with your child(ren).

I do hope to be a grandparent one day. 🤞

I foster kittens for a local rescue.
I usually have mum and up to 6 kittens from a couple of weeks (we have specialist fosterers that do the maternity bit) up to 8 weeks + when they get adopted.
All the fun of kittens without the vet bills. The rescue also provide food, litter and other essentials.
I have the fun of the kittens and adopters are vetted so I know they are going to good homes.
It also means my adult children visit more frequently as they come to play with the cute kittens 😸

Why on earth have you got to see your children as parents? 🫨

All it will do is bring more stress to their life and yours

Lots of people have desires. Nobody has everything in life.

I never ever had a grandad.

I was absolutley insistent at 28 that I would never have children. I had my DD at age 38 - a very much planned for and wanted child.

What we say at 28, and do 10 years later can vary 180 degrees.

I think if you only have one child there is quite a big risk of not having grandchildren.

They've been together 9 months, that's no time at all, plus they have very different interests. They may well stay together, there's an equal chance they wont. And the next girlfriend may very much want children. My daughter was adamant at 34 years old she never have any kids.

She's 42 now, and my grandkids are 5 and 3

He is still young, and the way he envisions llife now may not be the same in 10-20 years time, people change their mind, find other relationships, accidents happen, it’s not like it’s totally impossible.

The two things aren't mutually exclusive.

I imagine OP probably has a fulfilling life already,has friends and generally gets out and about.

Her point was her private sadness at the realisation that grandchildren will probably not be coming her way. There isn't a displacement activity for that particular feeling. She's allowed to feel the way she does,even though she isn't going to communicate it to her son.

I never wanted children, yet here I am at 54 with a truly beautiful 16 year old. People change their minds and I am so pleased I did at 36.
Your son is 28, maybe he will realise that he can't manage without celebrating Christmas and this time in 5 years he will be settled down with the right person.

I would ask you though, why does your life revolve around granchildren that you are probably too young to have? Where are your hobbies, interests and friends? I think you should concentrate more on your interests than worrying when yojur 28 yr old might have children. It's far too early for him yet and don't you dare put your needs onto him.

She is lovely and they seem so cute together, it's like they were meant for each other.
This is what matters OP.
If they are happy together that is what you should be focusing on and you should try and be happy for them. It 's their lives and if they chose not to have children, how or if they celebrate Christmas, or do or don't socialise etc is entirely up to them.

Goodness me! It's got nothing to do with needing a hobby, running the Scouts or fostering kittens!
It's a sadness, a deep yet shallow, transient sadness.
A perfectly human sadness.
I have a gay son and a disabled son, both hairy adults. I won't have grandchildren.
I feel sad about it, when I think about it. Then I move on.
But it's ok to say it.

I am not suggesting anything. Many people don't have grandchildren. But they still lead fulfilling lives. They will alwaysxregret the lack of grandchildren ,but they will get used to it. But she loves working with children,suggesting helping at Brownies is really superficial.

So many family lines are dying out now and honestly it’s very sad so i understand. But it is the birth gap. Watch the documentary on you tube. I am sorry. There is no. Coming back from it. Awful.

I don’t think how you feel is in any way unreasonable, provided you understand that those feelings are none of your son’s or his girlfriend’s business.

I know it's not the same (as having grandkids). I have two -from my eldest son. My youngest, and wife, are adamant they won't. I would have been very sad without them, so I entirely understand, and sympathise with, your feelings.
BUT I do also think that the idea -quoted above - is brilliant!! They are options I had not heard of, but I think (had I found myself without grandkids) I would have loved to do.
(May still look into them further actually - I love kids, have time ... might do).
Good Luck.

I totally understand how you feel.

I do think finding other good outlets for your care and attention could help.

Yes, these things probably don't 'replace' grandchildren but they can be life enhancing.

Ohitsnicehere

"There are charities such as Befriend a Child who need volunteers to meet with a child once a week and build up a relationship with them doing activities or whatever the child needs."

I think this is such a lovely idea. I have wondered about respite fostering but we don't have the space (out second son is adopted).

There is one such scheme near me, commitment is minimum once a fortnight for a year, which seems do-able.

Still being at home at 28 is not as uncommon as it once was. My DS is 26 and plans to move out next year. He has managed to save £100k by living at home. He can now afford to buy a house.