Advice needed on how to navigate ex-partner's new gf and co-parenting

[HelpPleaseNow]

I left my ex-partner a few years ago due to their infidelity, it was tumultuous and it took ages for him to move out but he did in the end. It took a while (had therapy, went on ADs, got a new job, got used to being a single parent) for me to be happy, but on the whole, I was very happy single and didn't want a partner or anyone else in my little unit with my child.

Fast forward to a month ago. He dropped the bombshell that he has had a serious partner for at least a year, she is perfect, bla bla bla, they want to get married and have kids. That he cheated because I didn't make him happy, he is not a bad guy. All that jazz.

And now I feel like I am back to square one. Feel really low, worthless, depressed. Is that normal? How do you get through this stage?

Also, I came off ADs a month ago. I did the course for a while, did it slowly, did what the doctor said. I absolutely DO NOT want to get back on them, especially for this. I usually cope well with yoga, walks etc. We have also had a few nasty bugs in the household, with DD bringing the flu home.

AIBU to suddenly want a partner too, to love us and to care for us, especially when we are sick?

Also I just feel so sad that someone like him, makes a complete mess of one relationship, then walks off into the sunset with someone 'perfect' (apparently she's the love of his life and is just perfect....) and me, who didn't hurt anyone, just kept on being a mum to my DD...where is my prince charming?

Is this normal? What is this feeling? How do I move past it? Anyone navigated this with grace and come out the other side, with their sanity intact? Happy stories of finding their own happy ever after too?

Life just feels very unfair right now, even though I have worked so hard to create a better world for myself and DD, with new career, new friends etc. Feels like I can't see a happy ever after...

I’m sorry. I feel like that too

Is he telling you she is perfect etc?
Embellishment. Fast fwd a year when his mask slips.
Shut him down to just talking about co parenting.
Do nice things for yourself. Don't waste time mourning this prick.

What a twat. He didn’t need to tell you anything about her, he’s just sticking the boot in. Of course the way you feel is completely understandable and normal 💐

What he’s said or done doesn’t take anything away from your own achievements, resilience, stoicism, self improvement. Those are yours to celebrate and own.

Tell yourself that when he says she’s perfect, he means perfect for him. And she may well be. She might be someone who is content to meet all his domestic and emotional needs whilst forgiving him shagging around. You weren’t perfect for him because you are a quality woman with standards and boundaries.

With regards to your DC, my advice is to be very polite and reasonable about the new partner. Do not interrogate them about her, they will resent you for it.

Just hope she is kind to them and that if he’s happy he will be a better father.

They’ve been together a year , don’t have children. They’re in the honeymoon stage.
Having said that , maybe he’s right in a clumsy way, she is better suited to him than you were ?

Thank you all for your replies, it is so helpful. Not sure why I was doing so well, feeling happy single, and now it has activated some kind old wound? Is that normal? Will I go back to normal and happy to be single again after some time? Why do I feel like I have to also have a partner now to be happy, whereas before I was happy single? And has anyone had a happy ever after too, after something similar?

hi op,
I can’t tell you how much I cried, from a deep place of sadness, when I got an email almost identical to what you’ve described, he’d moved into a house (I have a litttle flat) with her (very like me but with a better paid job!) and her daughter, he made me feel like they had this perfect little family. I went to the house (to help him baby proof it as my son was only one) and found a card comgragulating on getting my sons surname changed and being such a great dad etc. this man had walked out on my when I was 8 months pregnant amd only visited our baby since (see my post ex DP bunt my baby) I went back into therapy to help me process this.

and then found out over a year later that they spit up four months after moving in together and had been living together until the rental contract was up.

sometimes we can believe that they have perfection, but actually these guys who love bomb etc have just found a new victim, they will repeat the same patterns eventually. My advice is to turn all of the rumination about them back on yourself and your happiness and wellbeing, and why not dip
your toe into dating!

Yes it’s all normal exactly how I felt, now I don’t care about his love life as I know he’s not capable of loving anyone apart from himself really, but having a nice woman around will probably make things nicer for my 3 year old when he’s at his dads house

Hit the nail on the head!

Thank you guys. I am not ready to dip my toe into dating. I keep worrying about all the men out there who are dangerous, or abusive. I feel like I will never trust another man again. Is that normal too?

And those of you who went through the pain, when does it get better?

Also I don't want to wait for his relationship to fail for me to be happy. Feels like I am giving another person the power to make me happy or not. Hope that made sense. Wish I could stop thinking about it all, and just focus on me again like before...

Hi @HelpPleaseNow I just wanted to reiterate what others had said... completely normal and unlike my exH seemed to think, absolutely nothing to do with not being over him! For me, like you, it was how unfair it all was. My ex also cheated (multiple times), is extremely selfish and a pretty naff dad. Yet, he managed to have the "perfect" life too. His GF was much younger and like a model (his words!) It hurt me especially as he said of the one reasons for cheating so much was that he didn't enjoy family life, it was boring and yet 6 months after meeting his GF, she was pregnant! Not going to loe, that floored me especially as I was so worried about all the upheaval it would cause for my children.
But as others said, it isn't really perfect. That's what he thinks and wants you to think. No one's relationship is perfect but also you know your ex and his flaws!
Anyway... fast forward 5 years, they have a 4 year old and have separated. She left him... i don't know why but it clearly wasn't that perfect.
He has of course already met someone new and she too is "the one"!! And he keeps telling me about her about how perfect she is and smart, and successful and rich. But you know what... this time it didnt get any reaction from me except an eye roll. I will do more to protect my children this time as they got caught in the cross fire a lot kast time, but that's it. Hang in there, accept it is normal to feel like this, advocate for your children and know it is far from perfect!

No you don’t want it to fail. It’s probably best for your child if they are a calm and stable couple, I just mean that just because it seems like they have a happy perfect life it doesn’t make that true so dont compare yourself to the image that they are portraying.

it definitely does get better I’m single and not actively dating now, just enjoying doing nice things with friends when child is at his dads

Gosh they really are all the same. I hope that your children and their sibling can maintain a good relationship maybe you’ll even be friends with their mum one day who knows.

i am not sure why you’re still having the kind of contact with him
where he’s able to boast about his new gf I don’t spend enough time with my ex for him to have a chance to do that, we just discuss hangover and what our child has eaten etc then that’s it - I find this is better and helps me think about him less

I was amazed to think that any woman would put up with my ex . And yet someone did but only for a short while . Guess he made an effort to be a nice guy at the beginning. His unattractive features soon became obvious. Selfish , self absorbed and complacent. Reverted to his usual lazy self and I think she soon realised her mistake.
I never really cared too much as I was so glad to get rid of him . But I know how you feel as somehow I felt like it reflected on me in a negative way . That it was my fault he cheated or that he deserved someone better than me .

But men are not fussy or choosy . They quickly move on as have no safety concerns , don't think about their kids feelings.
You have standards . Keep to them and should you meet someone worthy of you it will be your time.

You know, he didn’t cheat because you didn’t make him happy. He cheated because he’s the kind of man that cheats. A good man would have told you honestly that the relationship wasn’t working anymore and ended it kindly. All he’s done is try to gaslight you into believing it’s your fault the relationship failed. It failed because he made a series of decisions (to cheat, to lie) that caused it to fail. As soon as the glow wears off this relationship he’ll cheat again. In the meantime, be decent about his new partner. If it does last she could be in your child’s life for a long time and it’s much better to have her as an ally than an adversary.

It’s a perfectly normal feeling, even when it’s you that leaves.
It’s the injustice. What I will say is these men create fantasies about themselves, and they are so narcissistic they believe it’s all true, that they deserve this big love, that you weren’t good enough.
it is almost always bollocks, my EXH, the father of my 3DS has done it at least 3 times now, it always ends in failure.
you will grow immune I promise . But right now go with the feelings, they are justified xx

I bet you were ‘perfect’ too until he got bored and fed up with grown up life. I bet she won’t look all shiny covered in baby vomit when she’s shouting at him to get up in the morning. Just be grateful you don’t have to go through that again. My guess is some of your reaction to this is also not your true feelings but a bounce back from coming off the meds. Just push through for now and I bet you’ll feel better in a couple weeks.

yeah for some reason he needed to embellish it. is he usually cruel?

op men who are so shitty that they cheat on the mother of their children rarely change. she hasn’t bagged her Mr Darcy and you haven’t missed out on yours. trust us. it feels like he's surely living some real life The Notebook. he isn’t.

Thank you all, I know you are all right, it’s just going to take a while to me not to care.

Is there anything practical I can that will make me care less?

He is saying those things because he knows full well he is the problem and he thinks having a shiny new partner somehow vindicates him and makes him the winner instead of the loser! It is all ego talk - no one truly happy talks like that or rubs it in someone else’s face. It is pure over compensation. Wait a couple of months or years and he will cheat on her too.

But you too, in your own way are equating having a partner with being chosen and validated.

Your worth and happiness absolutely do not and should not correlate to whether your ex has a partner or not. And wanting someone to take care of you when you’re sick is normal but focus on that feeling and what it actually means - maybe it reveals you are missing this in your life - work on growing a more caring connection with a close friend or family member instead of obsessing about a mythical man to come and bring you lemsips.

And tell your ex you’re absolutely delighted for him and can’t wait to meet his wonderful new woman - it will kill him inside.

Practically, the only thing that helped me was making “A Big List Of Marks Many Faults”. This was a rather brutal list to be honest, but reading it when I felt low got me through some bad times.

You will read it and eventually it will sink in that this man is a LOSER. There are literally billions of other men available.

When you marry your mistress you create a vacancy.

She’ll be replaced soon enough, mark my words.

When you start to think about it tell your brain to shut up. I think you’re just in a bit of shock but it will calm down. Just focus on you and remind yourself why you were so happy before you got this news. Does someone who is so happy need to advertise it? I think not. So perhaps you can spin it on its head and ask why someone so happy needs to tell you that.

Totally normal, my ex has fast-forwarded through his relationship with his “incredibly generous and generous wonderful” new partner and even though I feel nothing but sorry for her, it was a gut punch when he made the announcement he was moving in with her and playing happy families with the kids he barely gives a fuck about.

Just remind yourself you’re playing the long game. I was once the shiny new girlfriend, he’d apparently never been properly in love before me. Now I’m just another “crazy and controlling ex”. It doesn’t matter if his relationship fails externally or if they maintain an outward appearance of domestic bliss, hold onto your reality of what it was like to live with him and count yourself lucky to be out.

Focus on making a happy, peaceful and comfortable life for your kids and yourself. Treat yourself as you would hope a partner might treat you. Work on your financial capacity; it’s freedom and security and self-care that a man can’t take away from you.

I am older but like PPs I was just surprised he found someone to put up with him. And of course like PPs his perfect person soon saw through him and dumped him.
Think about his motives for crowing about his new woman. His insistence that he did nothing wrong so his cheating must have presumably been your fault. What a prize! Just enjoy knowing that you did finally shed him and you won in the long term.
Maybe you can try being a little selfish. Look after your appearance and do things that make you happy. For your self esteem.
None of this is ‘fair’ on you but don’t go rushing out to get a new man. You sound sensible at heart so tread wisely and don’t give him the satisfaction of getting in your head. He doesn’t sound worth it.