Advice needed on how to navigate ex-partner's new gf and co-parenting

[HelpPleaseNow]

I left my ex-partner a few years ago due to their infidelity, it was tumultuous and it took ages for him to move out but he did in the end. It took a while (had therapy, went on ADs, got a new job, got used to being a single parent) for me to be happy, but on the whole, I was very happy single and didn't want a partner or anyone else in my little unit with my child.

Fast forward to a month ago. He dropped the bombshell that he has had a serious partner for at least a year, she is perfect, bla bla bla, they want to get married and have kids. That he cheated because I didn't make him happy, he is not a bad guy. All that jazz.

And now I feel like I am back to square one. Feel really low, worthless, depressed. Is that normal? How do you get through this stage?

Also, I came off ADs a month ago. I did the course for a while, did it slowly, did what the doctor said. I absolutely DO NOT want to get back on them, especially for this. I usually cope well with yoga, walks etc. We have also had a few nasty bugs in the household, with DD bringing the flu home.

AIBU to suddenly want a partner too, to love us and to care for us, especially when we are sick?

Also I just feel so sad that someone like him, makes a complete mess of one relationship, then walks off into the sunset with someone 'perfect' (apparently she's the love of his life and is just perfect....) and me, who didn't hurt anyone, just kept on being a mum to my DD...where is my prince charming?

Is this normal? What is this feeling? How do I move past it? Anyone navigated this with grace and come out the other side, with their sanity intact? Happy stories of finding their own happy ever after too?

Life just feels very unfair right now, even though I have worked so hard to create a better world for myself and DD, with new career, new friends etc. Feels like I can't see a happy ever after...

Can you reduce your contact with him? I think after the time of their relationship it’s good you are aware of her but he does seem to have told you in a cruel way with unnecessary details. I like the idea of the faults list, can you also do a freezer spell (no proof of it working but as a placebo might help). And just be kind to yourself, lots of self care whilst you process and keeping talking to people, get outdoors too.

I am sorry you are very down, it shall pass. Time cures all, as the saying goes.

In terms of doing something practical- would you consider exploring what you local Buddhist group has to offer?

There are in total over 600 groups all over UK following Nichiren Buddhism. We started with 1 group in 1965.

It's a very supportive environment, people meet in small groups and discuss how they are applying Buddhism principles to the challenges of daily living. They also run lectures on Buddhism. The idea is to become happy no matter what, and people eventually do succeed, this is how our movement has grown.

You can find your local group by contacting the national base SGI-UK which is a registered charity at SGI-UK.org.uk

I hope you start feeling better soon

OP, take another look at your ex's new woman and her situation.

She's hitched her future to a man who lies and cheats. To someone who thought nothing about bringing his child's world crashing down. He didn't even have the decency to leave, he hung around, using you and your home as a convenience until he found something better. Has he moved into her house?

He'll create a life and more children to hurt and then he'll do the same again to her.

Also, why do you believe his bullshit ? He's been totally dishonest in the past. He's basically crowing to make you feel bad, to get his revenge for you rejecting him & kicking him out.

Look carefully at what you have, a comfortable home, your dd who is now secure and happy, your friends, your career, your unity as a family, and give yourself a massive pat on the back. You have sound foundations and you're in a great situation to find someone lovely.

Ah @HelpPleaseNow I feel for you but I come to offer hope.
I had an incredibly traumatic breakup 5 years ago which came from nowhere. I had two young children. Their dad all but disappeared for a couple of months and then when he resurfaced he had someone else. He "didnt want a family anymore"

It was just awful. The pits of dispair, heartache, shock. I cant even begin to tell you. I barely survived for 6 months, just kept going for the kids but I was numb for a good year. After that year I started to feel better. I had wonderful friends and family and I started to rebuild an actual life other than exist.

By the 2 year mark we were all doing great and I was happy single. Me and the kids went on lots of adventures and holidays we always had things to look forward to. I dipped my toe into OLD had some fun, no disasters, restored my confidence a bit but I found it very time consuming and I was so busy with the kids and my friends I came off. I didnt feel the need for another guy and knew my validation and happiness came from within me.

3 years or so on in RL I met my DP. I wasnt looking, neither was he but we just connected very quickly on a social level, we got chatting and friendly, there wasnt even an instant "oh my god your fit" moment for me but after a good few weeks of chatting when we bumped into each other I realised id be gutted if we stopped chatting and thats when the attraction appeared. Luckily he made the first move of swapping numbers and we carried on chatting. It was unlike any man id ever spoken to, no cheesy flirting or one liners or anything, I even questioned in my head if he fancied me. When he plucked up the courage to ask me on an actual date I was thrilled and the thought and effort he put into that date has lasted the entire 2 years of our relationship. He is the most consistent, affectionate and loving man, he works hard, he does everything with the kids (school, clubs, hobbies, homework) and they adore him.

Never in a million years when I was sobbing on my doorstep over 5 years ago and my 6 year old tried to pick me up off the floor did I think this would ever happen to me. Who would want a single mum, 40, with 2 young children? How would I ever trust anyone again? But it has happened and it is the most loving, loyal, affectionate, passionate, caring and fulfilling relationship I have ever been in....

Yours is out there too! ❤️

Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom. You have all helped me tremendously. I’m going to do all the things you have suggested. I really like the faults list. I’ve started one in my head and it’s helping already.

To all your strong ladies that are / were single parents, how do you cope? My main thing is that it’s not easy. I don’t have a good support network (yet). it’s lonely being a single mum. It makes me so angry that he had all the time in the world to invest in a new relationship and having fun while I was busy working and looking after our child.

I have identified that I need to focus on my support network. But how? Most people I know in my area are all coupled up and not interested in being friends. I moved to the area a few years ago and my extended family is very far away.

what did you guys do to cope with being a single parent? Just so I don’t have to rely on HIM! every time I ask him to help out, that’s when he swans in and starts pretending like we’re friends, telling me all this stuff, etc.

Could you move back nearer your support network. Don’t discuss it with him.

Obviously this depends on how flexible your employment situation is and age of DC . Maybe something to quietly consider.

Just cut him off.

“Can I stop you there? I’m really happy for you but I want to keep our interactions just about parenting and our children, thanks.”

She’s perfect because she’s shiny and new. I’ve never ever come across someone who was a serial cheater in marriage 1 who didn’t end up the same way in marriage 2 when the novelty of a new relationship wears off. Especially once children arrive.

Can you move back to your support network? I’ve built a really amazing social life post divorce, partly through work colleagues who turned into friends, partly through all kinds of activities.

Thank you all so much. I will be implementing all your suggestions. For all those of you that reduced contact, what practical strategies did you implement?