Should I just trust my partner about his ex?

[OhWhatToDoAboutThis]

So I’ve been with my DP for 3 years, just had a baby together. He has another child from his previous marriage. Today his child mentioned their mums birthday (turning 31). I never knew how old she was before. My DP is 36. But he told me that they were together for 5 years before marrying and they got married a year before DC was born. DC is 10. So by my maths that means they got married when his ex was 20. And therefore he must have met her when she was 15 and he was 20. So I naturally queried this as surely that is dodgy as fuck no?! He’s back tracked and said oh it can’t have been that long then, and thinks she was 17, just turning 18. But I have no clue now whether he’s lying or not. And that would mean they got married after 2 years which seems odd at that age but I know plenty of people probably do. But he’s mentioned other little things in the past like taking years to save up for the ring because they met when he was at uni and money wise they didn’t have much until after DC was born.
I just don’t know what to do now. He’s gone in a mood with me for asking him what he calls ‘pointless’ questions as he doesn’t think we should be focusing on our past and ex’s. And for thinking that he’s dodgy in the first place as I suppose I’ve basically accused him of being with a minor. So he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. Nor to me right now. So what would you do? Trust what he’s saying and drop it?

Just bumping your thread, OP.

I wouldn’t. He seems to have been clear about the timeline right up until you found out her age.

Well he's backtracking now, but he gave you the information freely enough before and they were together a long time. I don't think it's a huge deal. He's saying what you want to hear now but clearly she was around 15 at the time.

You don’t think it’s a big deal if she was 15 at the time and he was 20?

Your maths is obviously right.

He knows intellectually that he’s done something wrong but he’s compartmentalised things by dating you (a grown adult) and thinks that action cancels out being with a minor.

But what would you do with that information? Should I presume now that he has an interest in underage girls?

You either trust him or you don’t.

my day is shit with dates, he would probably get mixed up with when we met, how many years we were together before we got married etc.

I don't think it means he necessarily has an interest in underage girls no - it's definitely a bit questionable by today's standards but in the 90s for instance this was completely normal, I was 15 (almost 16) when my first boyfriend was 19 and a uni student and he was a nice, normal guy who my parents thought the world of. A lot of girls that age look a few years older (I could certainly pass for 18 and was out clubbing etc), so while it does feel a little off these days, I don't think it's indicative of him still having a predilection for young girls, and he's obviously not dating them now.

Really tricky one OP.

Is there a big age gap between you and him?

Do you know much about his adolescence, because kids mature at different rates. My own teenager seems way younger than me at the same age. I'm really encouraged that kids these days find age gaps yucky, but it wasn't always like that.

At 15 I was in a LT relationship with a boy 3 years older. In hindsight I feel it was wrong, but at the same time I think he was quite young for his age, inexperienced etc. Even though he was technically an adult I don't think it meant he had a thing for underage. He went on to be normal, as far as I know?! And I didn't look especially young.

A friend whose husband turned out to be into teenagers displayed behaviours that were definitely red flags, in hindsight. Like coercive control and encouraging her to be very very thin.

@BackJustToSay "I don't think it means he necessarily has an interest in underage girls no - it's definitely a bit questionable by today's standards but in the 90s for instance this was completely normal, I was 15 (almost 16) when my first boyfriend was 19"

This. I met my first boyfriend (later my husband) when I was 16 and he was 20. That was in the mid 70's. A four year age gap was the norm then, and indeed pretty much always had been. Very few girls went out with boys the same age as them. In fact I didn't know any that did or would've wanted to. Sixteen year old girls going out with 16 year old boys seems to be relatively modern expectation.

Not really. It's not like he was preying on multiple prepubescent girls. He went out with a 15 year old, who he built a life with for many years. You don't even know they had sex when she was 15.

That makes him a paedophile surely?

I don't think it means he has an interest in underage girls! I had 20/21 year old boyfriends when I was 15/16 - it was quite normal in the 80s and 90s. Girls mature quicker than boys and we weren't interested in boys our own age. We wanted boyfriends with cars and a bit of money to take us out!

Well according to the majority of posters no! Appears to be quite normal. To me it’s well off key. I’d feel funny if she was 16 and he was 21. but at least she would be legal then. I don’t care about the age gap in general. I had a boyfriend who was 23 when I was 18. But I don’t think he would have gone out with me if I was any younger (if only because of how it’s viewed rather than because I’m any different as a person) so he’s willingly gone for a 15 year old girl whilst he’s at uni. But this was perfectly normal?! So really we’re basically saying that that should be the norm now and people like me are just a bit uptight?

I’m a year older than him. And there are no other red flags tbf. It just came as a shock as I always presumed they were a similar age. But maybe everyone’s right and it was just a thing back then that happened and doesn’t mean anything. Or maybe I’m just being a bit envious because she’s 6 years younger than me 😂

If he was 19 to her 15 would you think differently? Teen girls go out with older boys.
i certainly wouldn’t obsess over this.

No we are not saying it should be the norm now and that you need to lighten up. We're saying it used to be - and your partner met his ex 16 years ago, not now. If she was 2 months off 16 would that have made a difference? It even could have been that she was just 16 and he's remembering it as 5 years when it was actually 4.5, people do tend to round up.

Personally, I think a paedophile is someone who is attracted to actual children, who look like children. There are of course questions of possible power imbalance etc with an age gap like you're talking about, but that's a different thing. Girls who are about to turn 16 mostly don't look or act like kids. (I don't know if it's the case now but it used to be that people could actually marry at 15 with parental permission.) But if you genuinely think your partner might be a paedophile and you can't get your head round what you've learned then maybe you should reconsider the relationship.

Back in the 90's that wouldn't have been a huge deal. I was 15, almost 16 and I went on a date with a guy who was 18. Thought absolutely nothing of it. At 16, I briefly dated a 24 year old. Again, thought nothing of it. We could leave school at 16, and I was in full time work at the time, so basically being an adult I guess. Met him at work. It definitely wasn't a case of being chatted up at the school gates.
Also, quite normal to go in a pub at 15/16 with friends and often friend groups were varying ages/sexes with mates of mates tagging along on occasion.
15 sounds young, and yes, it is young, but it was just different back then. Plus they dated, got married, had kids etc
Had he been 40 and her 15, then yes you'd have a very valid point!

My son is 20 and the thought of him dating someone 5 years younger makes me feel ill

I think he's probably got his dates wrong, and thought they were together longer than they were, but it's still quite an age gap at that age, and a young wedding.

Why did they split and what is their relationship like now?

How sure are you that she's actually 31? Women lie to their kids!

15 year olds are babies. He's a paedophile