MIL and Birthdays

[Wishingwellies]

I’d like some perspective on something that happened around birthdays in my DH’s family.
DH’s brother and sister have birthdays few days apart. His sister lives on the other side of the country but comes home for her birthday. She has a family lunch, receives presents, gives a present to her other brother and leaves something for her mum, whose birthday is a couple of couple of months later. DH’s birthday is before his mum’s.
For the last five years, she hasn’t given DH a birthday present or even left him a card. She does send a “Happy birthday” text, but that’s basically the extent of it. The last time she gave him anything was for a milestone birthday, and even then I suspect her brother organised it.
I usually spend around £30–£60 (I try to make sure I spend more on her as it’s a gift from two people), on her birthday, depending on what I find. I actually like his sister and we have quite a lot in common, so she’s genuinely fun to buy for.
But DH has become increasingly upset about it. This year he was arguing with me about buying his sister a present because he was hurt that she hadn’t made any personal effort towards him for years.
This year, DH and I weren’t invited to either birthday lunches. It was just his sister, his other brother and MIL.
When DH gets into an argument with me about something like this, I tend to step back it’s his family, and quite honestly, it’s exhausting being caught up in it. So I didn’t message his sister on her birthday.
TBH, I also find obligatory “Happy Birthday” messages a bit fake when I’m not genuinely feeling it. I did message her the following day, although I’ll be honest, it was begrudgingly. After years of hearing DH’s hurt and frustration his pain had rubbed off on me, so I wasn’t exactly feeling it.
A few days before DH’s birthday, MIL started prodding me about the fact that I hadn’t “celebrated” her daughter’s birthday.
I found this really strange. We weren’t invited to the celebration, I had bought her presents for years, and her own brother was hurt by the fact that she hadn’t made any personal effort towards him for five years. Yet somehow I felt responsible for making sure her daughter was sufficiently celebrated.
And this is the bit that really got under my skin.
It left me wondering: how much exactly am I supposed to spend before it counts as enough for her to reciprocate with her brother?
I’ve spent £30–£60 on her birthday presents over the years and chosen things I genuinely thought she would like. So why was I being questioned about whether I had done enough?
And more importantly, why am I being made responsible for maintaining the relationship between two adult siblings? Her own brother is hurt because she hasn’t made much personal effort towards him for years, yet somehow I’m the one being questioned about whether I’ve done enough for her.
Then, on DH’s actual birthday, MIL was incredibly nasty towards me. She barely spoke to me and looked like she was going to crawl across the table and gnaw my eyes out.

MIL has happily ignored her DD ignoring my DH for 5 years on his birthday, yet the moment she feels her daughter is slighted she pounces on me like a hyena. Making multiple nasty, comments, and generally being the ice queen.

What would you do in this scenario?

When she said you hadn’t celebrated SIL’s b’day, did you not simply say “we weren’t invited”?

I would have one clear direct conversation with her and say “the fact is there has been a mismatch between celebrations. For example for years we have given SIL presents and cards while SIL has only sent DH a text. This year we were not invited to the lunch. No one has told us if we have done something to upset anyone , and I find it hard to see DH so hurt by his family’s treatment “

And you really need to get your DH’s back. Being fun to shop for is not a reason to go against his discomfort.

Similarly DH needs to have your back. He needs to ask his Mum why she was so nasty to you at his birthday and say it was unacceptable.

And in future celebrate birthdays with your friends.

I recognise this dynamic! I have previously posted about SIL challenges, but it’s been similar for me.

Since being with DH I’d made a huge effort for SIL birthdays, choosing really lovely and thoughtful gifts. When it’s DHs birthday he just gets a card and something small like a box of herbal tea bags or some chocolate. On my birthdays I got a text message.

For the children it seems to depend on how she’s feeling - sometimes making a big fuss, other times saying that as far as she’s concerned Christmas or birthdays are cancelled because she has too many other things going on in her life. Sometimes she would make a big fuss over one kid, but then when it was another one’s birthday a couple of months later she would decide to not celebrate it at all due to work stress etc. the kids find the inconsistency confusing and upsetting.

Anyway due to this - and other things in previous post - I have stepped right back from the relationship, it’s DH’s relationship with his sister and nothing to do with me anymore. That would be my suggestion to you too, and if your MIL is being critical I’d be making it clear that it’s between the two of them and you are not involved.

My ils never had my mobile number... Made for a much easier life. Block them and dh can say you are having technical difficulties if they even ask.

Back away and leave all occasions to dh..

I do not know when any of my IL bday are and it will stay that way. I go to things when invited and am very polite but why on earth are you buying her gifts when she treats your husband like shit? I'd feel utterly betrayed if I was him.

Does she send you a present OP?

So when she made the celebrate comment, you must have said 'we always have celebrated her, we always show up and buy her a gift, even though she does not show up or buy DH a gift' so what did she say in response??

I would take a big step back and let DH deal with it. Why are you buying his sister presents, surely that's up to him? He can talk to his mother or his sister, it's nothing to do with you. Support him in what he wants to do. That's it, that's all you have to do. If MIL or SIL contact you directly, tell them to speak to their son/brother!

You're all grown-ups now, is giving birthday presents really necessary, except for the major milestone birthdays? On both sides of our extended family people get a birthday greeting via WhatsApp, a card if we're actually seeing them near the birthday, a bunch of flowers and/ or some favourite chocolate.

Well, I would step right back from seeing MIL!

I would also stop buying birthday presents for your SIL if that's what your husband wants. Does she buy you anything?

Definitely don’t buy any more gifts. I wouldn’t mention it at all but if MIL asked again I’d say we didn’t think SIL was doing gifts or cards anymore as she stopped sending them to DH.

Does your SIL send you gifts on your birthday?

Stop buying gifts. Tell mil that sil never ever buys gifts or acknowledges birthdays and they can both get stuffed

Stop buying gifts and go low contact. They are playing games.

Sometimes she will get me a gift but she’s not consistent. In the last five years maybe twice, but now I think of it they are not gifts she bought they were gifts she was clearing out. She has an online Etsy shop and the two items she gave me were items that she couldn’t sell.

Yes everything you’ve said sounds reasonable and something I would do when speaking with someone who actually wants to hear what i have to say, but my MIL asks a question with an angle, and the angle is to get the outcome she wants/believes. I think she would ignore that comment and say ‘well anyway I celebrate people’ then give me daggers from across the table.

Thank-you! I think I just got a bit too drawn and carried away as I wanting to be ‘part of them family’ we are definitely changing that, as its clear to us family is DH, our DC and me.

I'd ask the sister yourself why she doesn't bother with your husband's birthday. I would expect her to say she forgets, he's hard to buy for, didn't think he was fussed etc. Then you can say 'let's just stop doing birthday stuff altogether for adults, it's easier'

I would just avoid spending time with MIL at all. It doesn't sound like there's much in it for you anyway.

Does MIL actually KNOW what SIL has done?
Explain it to her-if she says she didn't know, say well now you do.
If she does, ask why she thinks this is ok. Is she some sexist who thinks only women should be celebrated?
And when you said she was rude-call her out immediately. Is there some problem, MIL? Only I'd like to know why you're looking at me/speaking that particular way.
I get she thinks that as you're married, it is on both of you to maintain family relationships, eg some people stop their spouse going to family dos, but you can be clear it's not on you, and that it is just as much on your husband to sort birthdays.