MIL and Birthdays

[Wishingwellies]

I’d like some perspective on something that happened around birthdays in my DH’s family.
DH’s brother and sister have birthdays few days apart. His sister lives on the other side of the country but comes home for her birthday. She has a family lunch, receives presents, gives a present to her other brother and leaves something for her mum, whose birthday is a couple of couple of months later. DH’s birthday is before his mum’s.
For the last five years, she hasn’t given DH a birthday present or even left him a card. She does send a “Happy birthday” text, but that’s basically the extent of it. The last time she gave him anything was for a milestone birthday, and even then I suspect her brother organised it.
I usually spend around £30–£60 (I try to make sure I spend more on her as it’s a gift from two people), on her birthday, depending on what I find. I actually like his sister and we have quite a lot in common, so she’s genuinely fun to buy for.
But DH has become increasingly upset about it. This year he was arguing with me about buying his sister a present because he was hurt that she hadn’t made any personal effort towards him for years.
This year, DH and I weren’t invited to either birthday lunches. It was just his sister, his other brother and MIL.
When DH gets into an argument with me about something like this, I tend to step back it’s his family, and quite honestly, it’s exhausting being caught up in it. So I didn’t message his sister on her birthday.
TBH, I also find obligatory “Happy Birthday” messages a bit fake when I’m not genuinely feeling it. I did message her the following day, although I’ll be honest, it was begrudgingly. After years of hearing DH’s hurt and frustration his pain had rubbed off on me, so I wasn’t exactly feeling it.
A few days before DH’s birthday, MIL started prodding me about the fact that I hadn’t “celebrated” her daughter’s birthday.
I found this really strange. We weren’t invited to the celebration, I had bought her presents for years, and her own brother was hurt by the fact that she hadn’t made any personal effort towards him for five years. Yet somehow I felt responsible for making sure her daughter was sufficiently celebrated.
And this is the bit that really got under my skin.
It left me wondering: how much exactly am I supposed to spend before it counts as enough for her to reciprocate with her brother?
I’ve spent £30–£60 on her birthday presents over the years and chosen things I genuinely thought she would like. So why was I being questioned about whether I had done enough?
And more importantly, why am I being made responsible for maintaining the relationship between two adult siblings? Her own brother is hurt because she hasn’t made much personal effort towards him for years, yet somehow I’m the one being questioned about whether I’ve done enough for her.
Then, on DH’s actual birthday, MIL was incredibly nasty towards me. She barely spoke to me and looked like she was going to crawl across the table and gnaw my eyes out.

MIL has happily ignored her DD ignoring my DH for 5 years on his birthday, yet the moment she feels her daughter is slighted she pounces on me like a hyena. Making multiple nasty, comments, and generally being the ice queen.

What would you do in this scenario?

Yes and DH has told her too.

Your poor husband.
I never understand posters who go against their spouse's hurt with their own family, and think they know better.
It's so disloyal.
His family are not nice, his mother sounds particularly awful, and now you are her target.
Quelle surprise!

yes absolutely. this isn't about you "not celebrating" SIL.

you absolutely need to have your DH back, as one of the first posters said. And understand that inside the man is a hurt and confused little boy.

I don't have direct experience of it but lots of people seem to find the "Stately Homes" threads on here helpful - perhaps your DH would.

Just say, ‘SIL and we agreed to stop sending each other gifts’ and then if SIL/MIL challenges this just say ‘SIL doesn’t send gifts so we’re just matching her energy/the agreement is implicit’.

Seriously, stop wasting time, energy, and money on people who don’t give a crap about you.

You can be sure that sil only brings the other brother a present because she probably wouldn't get one from him if she didn't!

So all that needs to be said has been done. You recognise that your DH is yhe scapegoat. You both now need to shift the dynamic to take your family out of emotional punching distance. Slow fade. Info diet. Never initiate. Be vague and non committal. You both are only fuel to this fire and are inadvertently playing a part and enabling the narc family system. Don’t do confrontation they will love it - every word is you handing them the bullets to shoot you with.

Pan back. Grey rock. Slow fade. Have a target of upcoming events you won’t be available for. Turn your back on this and put these dreadful people in the rear view mirror

Yes it does and you have been enabling and encouraging it. Cut them off now and listen to your husband. He has been telling you how he feels and you have more or less ignored him.

Don't engage with your MIL regardless of how she angles her comments. Shut her down. This is not just about birthdays or presents. This is about control and abusive behaviour. They are escalating the abuse by not inviting you both to the birthday lunch. Doing it in plain sight. Your poor husband.

Thank you I love this. Can you
explain what you mean by info diet? I think I get it but I’d just like it explained explicitly.
I’m booking a holiday next year so we won’t be around for the annual humiliation ritual.

Give them zero details about your life. If they ask stuff vague non committal replies. Nothing they can get a hook into

Thank you everyone. I mentioned it to MIL. Basically saying ‘I’ve asked DH to speak to DSIL regarding what they want to do for birthdays as it’s nothing to do with me’ she says ‘why the birthdays already gone’, I respond because they clearly need to come to some agreement about what they want to do as DSIL hasn’t given DH a gift for over 5 years’ MIL response ‘well that might have something to do with her not being here’ my response ‘she can leave a card his birthday is less than 30 days after hers’ MIL response ‘oh well’. That was it! She’s gone from furious to it doesn’t matter now.

Thank you so much on advice on scripts and how to deliver it. I’ve said it I can let it go.

Odd thing when I mentioned DSIL hasn’t gotten anything for DH not even a card in 5 years there was almost a hint of a smirk on her face… that was my initial reading of her body language. Why would someone do that and what are they telling you with that?

I’m not some timid person I’m actually very good at communication, reading people and expressing myself. But MIL has a way of making you quake and questioning yourself.

She already has one child who is NC 15+ years reason for NC was basically lack of equal treatment, favouritisms etc since that child is no longer around to fulfil the role of scapegoat my DH has unwittingly gotten himself the role.

What a nasty narcissist mil seems to be. Why the hell youve bothered with them this long I don’t know. She’s loving that sil has fallen out with your DH.

If I were your DH id be like the NC sibling and block them all. You can’t argue with a narc and your dil is enabling mil.

So if then DH is out the picture, you can guarantee she’ll be trying the same games with the other brother

Why did you mention it to your MIL? Stop interfering and listen to your husband. What ever has happened in the past leave it there and move on with no contact. All the responses have acknowledged they are horrible bullies and abusers.

They don't deserve to be faded out. They are escalating and any further contact will only enable that. You may be good at reading people but that hasn't translated to the most important person in all of this which is your husband. I get the impression you want to make this better but your efforts to date seem to have succeeded in making it worse. You need to support your husband and stop the contact and bring an end to the abuse.