Abusive ex is reeling me back in

[Moonsandstarss]

Please help. I’ve been separated for around 16 months from my husband and recently he filed for divorce while simultaneously saying he still loved me and he wants us to be a family again. I left due to abuse, threats, toxic behaviour but nothing physical. This wasn’t daily, we could have a normal life together but he had a nasty streak and controlling behaviours.

Things have been very nasty since we separated, we went through the courts and there was a number of false allegations from my ex in relation to the DC. He also shared all court documents and private information with the DC when I tried to protect them.

In a nutshell, he’s admitted to being abusive, taken accountability and apologised. I confronted him about the allegations and he said he was “repeating what dc told him” and how he felt like we were at war. We’ve now been meeting up and discussing potential reconciliation however he now wants to be lovey dovey, hold my hand across the table, he tries to kiss me and acts like we are a couple madly in love which I find jarring. I have now agreed to trying again and moving back but he refuses to move slowly and wants me back in 3 months at the latest.

I can’t help but feel like I have tentacles that are slowly wrapping around my legs/body and I’m being pulled back. It’s all moving very fast and I don’t know how to stop it.

But the other part of me wants it to work somehow especially as oldest remained with his Dad and I don’t see much of him. Ex said I’ve got the opportunity to be a parent to him again. So it is complex and I’m so confused.

Why on earth are you entertaining this waste of space? He’s love bombing you and future faking. Step away. Those tentacles are your bodies warning signals telling you to turn around and run.

So... he was controlling and now he's trying to control the reconciliation? Yeah, that doesn't sound healthy at all.

Apologising is meaningless. Actions speak louder than words. ho wis he going to CHANGE his behaviours? A great way to see if someone is not abusive/controlling is to say no, and see how they act. Tell him what YOU need to feel safe and loved in this new version of your relationship and see how he reacts.

So he is manipulating the situation with your son to blackmail you into returning. Move ahead with the separation and eventual divorce, this man is intent on controlling you and will never change. If you go back this will be a recurring theme and you will never be happy.

Please don't get back with him - he's abusive, manipulative and nasty. You deserve better and your children deserve better - they need you to stand your ground and show them that you don't stay in an unhealthy relationship. If you go back with him, you're a fool. He won't change, it won't get better and he will very likely break you psychologically. Get out now while you have the chance - stop meeting up with him and keep communication via text where you have a record of what's been said.

Please don't do this. He is horribly manipulative and is using your eldest dc as a blackmail tool. That is despicable behaviour.

He was controlling and abusive and he hasn't changed a jot. If you move back in with him he'll soon be back to Mr Nasty, he wants to go as fast as possible because he can't keep the nice act up for long. Be warned Op, once you live together he'll make sure you can't leave again

Abusers like your ex are horrible human beings. They’re not nice by nature, they are nasty by nature. To be nice is an effort, front and a method they deploy to get what they want. No matter the consequences to that person. Everyone around them is literally collateral damage.

he is looking at a life without his victim (you) and that he would have to start again. Trying to find someone he can groom into making his ego bigger, by crushing the very living soul from the poor bugger.

he’s destroying you, he’s destroying your kids, he’ll blight your life as long as he’s living and breathing.

this bloke will revert to nasty. And in fact you have seen already how nasty he got when discussing the divorce etc, look how he hurt the kids

he will do that over and over

you’re free, keep it that way! Do this for your kids.

I PROMISE YOU, your life will get better the longer he’s out of it.

No!.
You are so close to being free, don't go back!

Ffs op, you are so close to being free and he is already starting to control the timings of your reconciliation. He isn’t sorry, can’t you see through this?

you have made progress, it may not feel like it but you have. Please, please, please don’t go back. If you do he will inevitably revert back to type (abusieve dick) and the cycle will continue for you and your children.

Only you can break the cycle.

He was controlling, abusive and he now wants you back to help him look after the child. As well as cook, clean and do the washing no doubt. That's obviously why he wants you back so quickly! You say that you find his lovey dovey behaviour jarring so why are you even entertaining this. I mean, it's your life so take control of it.

Ring Women’s Aid or another local domestic violence organisation near you - Google will help.

Well done for recognising that you can’t do this alone. Tell your friends. Ask them to keep you strong.

Set up a new email account, email him advising him that all communication goes through this or through a court approved parenting app - someone on here can advise you what’s acceptable. Then BLOCK him on all forms of communication.

You can do this, Just put one foot in front of the other.

Try putting your children first.

Take yourself out of the equation.

Then go and do a freedom program.

Lots of hard lines on here - I really recommend the freedom project and associated books. You're recognising what's happening but a trauma bond is not easily broken. Also womens aid will be happy to help and give you a sounding board to clear your head.
Do you have any journals/diaries from when you were together? May be useful (albeit painful) to revisit if you do. Take care x

I believed ex had changed. Even married him. Lasted less than a year and he tried to kill me and the dc drink diving..I filed for divorce.

You've ripped that plaster op. Keep him away.

Tell him to F off OP.
what a manipulative bastard.
don’t fall for his shite

no no no no no no no no no no

Please stop. This will only end in disaster. Titanic style. Please stop this now. He sounds vile.

You would have worked hard to take the steps to leave him - don't slide back.

It doesn't sound as if he's changed at all - still controlling, still bashing against your boundaries. You move back and you'll be back to square one, except you will be doubting yourself even more as he's undermined your confidence again.

So push through with the divorce. Put a stop to the meetings and get support & advice from women's aid & the Freedom programme.

He's playing with you OP like a cat with a mouse.

Don't be fooled any more. Walk away.

I am so sorry you are going through this awful toxic cycle, it sounds like a trauma bond IME. He is love bombing you and this will not last, he will go back to his old ways and you will be back where you started. Please say strong for yourself and your children, get support from a service such as women’s aid who will experience this many many times and be able to advise you. Listen to your gut feeling and notice how your body physically reacts to this feeling trapped and out of control. Remember the way he is when things don’t go his way and how spiteful he has been during the process making life so difficult for you. Please stay strong this is not healthy, if it was there would not be a time limit on living together and you would not have any doubts. Reach out to people close to you who will help to support you and keep you grounded xx

Op I’ve been where you are. I moved back in and he reverted to type in under 2 weeks. So then I was stuck because how do you unbreak then rebreak your kids hearts in the space of a fortnight? This would be a MASSIVE mistake, don’t do it to yourself but more importantly don’t do it to your children. It was after just over a year I folded. You don’t anticipate it getting worse before it gets better but it bloody does. But op it does get better, stay away and rebuild your own life. And get help with processing all this as what you’re thinking about doing is madness

Freedom program and a domestic abuse agency. Set you boundaries and keep them hard. Find some supportive people who can help you keep you boundaries in place. And grey rock him. Best of luck op these men are inherently manipulative and it is hard to extract yourself for them.