How should I raise finding women's clothing and used underwear at home?

[ConfidentTulip88]

Bit of a back story, before I met my partner he told me he used to pay for and order women's used underwear, each to their own we weren't together at the time so no big deal to me.
He told me he had kept them and they were at his parents house.
Fast forward.......
We have been together just over 5 years, have 2 children together and live together.

I think as sorting through my utility room about a week ago and I saw I bag in there I didn't recognise so I naturally looked inside it, this bag would probably have been in my partner's car boot, but his car had to go in to be fixed so I think that's why it was now in the utility room.
Anyway in this bag was
2 ladies wigs,
A pair of ladies heels (size 9)
Some ladies clothes in a size 18/20
Ladies stockings
A bag which had been delivered to a post locker box this bag contained, brand new ladies underwear in a size 18
2 paper bags all filled with unwashed, used ladies underwear with what looks like discharge/ vaginal fluid in the crotch, there were multiple pairs all in size varying from 10-14.
A dildo
Anal lube ( unopened).
4 condoms

I have no idea what to think.
Now if my partner is a crossdresser I'm not actually disgusted by it, I just wish he felt thT he could have told me.

The used ladies underwear is what I am so angry and heartbroken about, wtaf are they doing in my house, the home we share, the home where we bring up our children.

Am I overeacting?

What on earth do I do?!?
How do I bring this up with him?

I’m really sorry to read what’s happened. I’m sure there will be people who jump on here and tell you what you should or shouldn’t have done, but ultimately you made the decision that felt right for you at the time.
The difficult thing now is, how can you really know that what he was doing ever actually stopped? Looking at the evidence you have now, it doesn’t seem as though it did.
I think you have to decide whether this is a boundary you simply can’t accept being crossed, or whether it’s something you’re prepared to tolerate in order to keep the marriage together. People put up with all sorts of things for the sake of a marriage, their children and the life they’ve built together, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Only you can decide what you’re willing to live with and what is a deal-breaker for you.

As for bringing it up with him, I’d just tell him exactly what you found. You know it isn’t yours, so whose the actual fuck is it? I wouldn’t dance around it or give him an opportunity to muddy the waters. I’d ask him outright and see what explanation he comes up with.

So would I.

It's gross!

If he’s the type of character who buys women’s knickers that kind of says it all.

This was posted on a singles group on fb a few days ago, was that you?

Confront him. If it’s something you can live with because it’s clear he’s still continuing to buy used underwear etc then that’s for you to decide. It would be a deal breaker for me personally!

It's not something I'm willing to put up with, I'm not married to him, we just live together.
I'm honestly still in shock.
I feel completely and utterly disgusted and disrespected.
How can someone who claims to love you do that?!?

I honestly feel like I'm living with a stranger.
The bag is now back in his car boot, I've been in that car, out children have been in that car,
What if our children found the bag instead of me.

My home now feels tainted and dirty.
I've actually been deep cleaning since I found the bag.

Not to suggest I wouldn’t be perturbed by the lot, but of all of those things I would be most worried about the condoms. What does he need those for?

It's not something I can live with, it's honestly disgusting and so unhygienic.

This has completely and utterly crossed a line

I'm sorry OP but this "before I met my partner he told me he used to pay for and order women's used underwear, each to their own we weren't together at the time so no big deal to me."
Was a gigantic red flag you ignored.
He's got a fetish and it's part of who he is.
So you either put up with it or split up with him.

I actually didn't realise it was a fetish. He also said he hadn't bought any quite some time when he did tell me about it, I believed him

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, OP.
A well-know footballer used to visit prostitutes as a teenager. His wife knew and decided that as it happened before they were together it didn't matter and she could live with it.
Then it happened again when they were married.
As far as I know they are still together.

I’m so sorry 💐

I am very open minded (I think) BUT. Ok, wigs and cross dressing stuff - fine, whatever. Used underwear - ok, he orders it online. Gross! Anal lube and condoms though- why? He’s sleeping with someone. He would not bother with the condoms for the dildo.

In the first flush of your relationship, he might have dialled it back - and/or nicked some of yours. But, yes, he told you and this is who he is. It's an embedded fetish. I agree, it's disgusting.

I'm very sorry you've found this out now, it's clearly a fundamental aspect of his character that he's hidden from you. Which makes deceit a fundamental aspect of his character, too.

If you want to find out the truth you’ll have to snoop. Otherwise you’ll only get the tip of the iceberg/ damage control version.
I’d look for archived or locked chats, deleted apps, emails, location history, search history, hidden apps. Try and get a sense of what’s been going on - if you need to make sense of it.
Otherwise it’s clear he’s heavily invested in cheating in some sort of way (gay trans or straight I don’t know) so you could try and leave the details to the side and just get on with separating.

So sorry for you, OP. It's the used undies, isn't it? That, and the deceit. Women's underwear, ok - it's a pretty common kink, I'd say. Been there. Dildo - again, not an unusual thing. But paying for dirty undies? And, as someone else pointed out, what's with the condoms? And keeping this stuff somewhere your kids could find it is unforgivable. I've done kinky stuff, but with DW. Frankly, once kids arrived we waved goodbye to that version of our sex life.

Sorry, you asked how to raise it. That rather implies you're not just chucking him out. I'd say you need to avoid any appearance of negotiation. "I've found your stuff - the women's dirty underwear. It's gross. It goes in the bin right now, never to be replaced, otherwise YOU go in the bin. You've been doing this behind my back, the kids could've found it ffs and I am FURIOUS. No, no discussion. I don't hear a word you're saying until that stuff is GONE. Then you come and tell me how things are going to be between us from now on. I'm not going to help you - YOU find the right words, not just to apologise but to describe to me how you're going to behave towards me and the children in future."

Personally, though, OP, if I'd done that I would expect to be shown the door. The condoms are particularly suspicious but I believe people do use them on sex toys because it keeps them cleaner; it's less bother just chucking a condom away than cleaning the toy thoroughly. Odd to be concerned about good hygiene with a dildo when you're using someone else's dirty pants, though.

You knew it before and you still continued to be with him and have children with him 🤷‍♀️Why are you surprised ?

Well if he doesn't want to get caught washing a shit stained dildo in the house then yes, he'd put a condom on it

Gross. I’d confront him with all his stuff in bin liners by the front door .

Im both sad and angry for you and the children that you’ve been betrayed. The biggest worry I’d have today is that someone is wearing those size 18 clothes, someone is using that dildo or having it used on them, same with the condoms. And coming into your house and having sex with you. Which puts you at risk. By all means listen to his wheres and why-fors if you can stomach it. Or just end it as you’ll never trust him again. Either way get yourself an STI test.

Where is he wearing these clothes/doing this stuff OP?

I was finding used condoms in my ex’s house. He claimed ‘posh wank’ he used to buy tons of lube more than we’d ever need or use. Then I found anal lube applicators.
The condoms could be to go over the dildo and he’s using them on himself
the last straw with my ex was finding used bondage tape. He could have used it on himself I suppose but he didn’t say that, I just walked out as he wasn’t being honest
i couldn’t handle this op. I’d have to end it

I couldn’t continue tbh. So sorry OP.