How should I raise finding women's clothing and used underwear at home?

[ConfidentTulip88]

Bit of a back story, before I met my partner he told me he used to pay for and order women's used underwear, each to their own we weren't together at the time so no big deal to me.
He told me he had kept them and they were at his parents house.
Fast forward.......
We have been together just over 5 years, have 2 children together and live together.

I think as sorting through my utility room about a week ago and I saw I bag in there I didn't recognise so I naturally looked inside it, this bag would probably have been in my partner's car boot, but his car had to go in to be fixed so I think that's why it was now in the utility room.
Anyway in this bag was
2 ladies wigs,
A pair of ladies heels (size 9)
Some ladies clothes in a size 18/20
Ladies stockings
A bag which had been delivered to a post locker box this bag contained, brand new ladies underwear in a size 18
2 paper bags all filled with unwashed, used ladies underwear with what looks like discharge/ vaginal fluid in the crotch, there were multiple pairs all in size varying from 10-14.
A dildo
Anal lube ( unopened).
4 condoms

I have no idea what to think.
Now if my partner is a crossdresser I'm not actually disgusted by it, I just wish he felt thT he could have told me.

The used ladies underwear is what I am so angry and heartbroken about, wtaf are they doing in my house, the home we share, the home where we bring up our children.

Am I overeacting?

What on earth do I do?!?
How do I bring this up with him?

I’d have chucked all the clothing items in the washing machine then handed them washed, dried and folded - looked him in the eye and told him I found his bag of dirty laundry so I’ve washed it for him. Watch the fucker squirm AND know you’ve taken away his fetish material. If he’d dared tried to turn it back on me I’d have told him he was lucky that I found it and not one of the kids.

it would then be time for a frank discussion. If, no matter what he says, this is a point of no return for you, you call it right now. Don’t drag things out. If you can see your relationship continuing in certain circumstances, I would talk to him about it, want full honesty about what he’s using the items for and if it’s with anyone else. I would then want to know what for him is a deal breaker to give up - see if you can reach a compromise that he continues with in private that doesn’t disgust you but he gives up anything you say is too much. Only you know where your line is.

Partner of me wants to hear what he has to say about the women's clothes, if he enjoys wearing them then I don't want him to feel shame from me, because I'm honestly very open minded with things. If that is part of who he is then so be it, but I don't want to go in all guns blazing purely for the sake of our children.
The trust has definitely gone the minute I found the used underwear in my home, the home we raise our children in. The level of disrespect is unbelievable with that. As far as our relationship is concerned, I'm done.
I will never allow a man to show me that level of disrespect.
When he said it was in the past when we first got together I believed him, and he's never shown any signs of anything so that's also why I believed him.
I'm trying to make some kind of sense of it for my own piece of mind, rightly or wrongly.
I would like to think he has just an ounce of respect for me to be honest with me, although the fact he's done this probably shows he doesn't.

Part of me wants to hear what he has to say about the women's clothes, if he enjoys wearing them then I don't want him to feel shame from me, because I'm honestly very open minded with things. If that is part of who he is then so be it, but I don't want to go in all guns blazing purely for the sake of our children.
The trust has definitely gone the minute I found the used underwear in my home, the home we raise our children in. The level of disrespect is unbelievable with that. As far as our relationship is concerned, I'm done.
I will never allow a man to show me that level of disrespect.
When he said it was in the past when we first got together I believed him, and he's never shown any signs of anything so that's also why I believed him.
I'm trying to make some kind of sense of it for my own piece of mind, rightly or wrongly.
I would like to think he has just an ounce of respect for me to be honest with me, although the fact he's done this probably shows he doesn't.

Yeah, it's the used underwear which has hurt me, he bought them into my home so they weren't discovered in his car by the mechanic. Wtaf?!? Our children could have found it. That to me is unforgivable.
The bag is now back in his car
I feel like my relationship is a lie, or has been built on a lie.
Relationship wise I'm done. But I need to find a way to move forward so we can at least be on good terms for the sake of our children. As he is still their father and I still want him to have a relationship with them but me and him are done, I'm seeing my counsellor on Friday so I'm going to speak to her get my head a bit clearer then be speaking to him

I’m sorry this has happened to you op. If it’s a red line for you, and it sounds like it is, you have a direct conversation with him about it, and you split up. Hopefully your finances are ok, you say you’re not married. I hope he is able to be a reasonable person and you can co-parent well. How he behaves when you have the conversation will tell you a lot. You obvs know him - will he likely be ashamed, angry, in denial, etc. I am glad you are seeing someone IRL to talk this through. It’s a huge betrayal, and may take a while to work through,

Dirty knickers aside . I’d be questioning WHERE he’s doing this stuff . The fact it’s in his car indicates he’s taking it some place else . Or does he get any time at home alone?

It absolutely is a red line for me, the level of disrespect is unreal and the betrayal, I look at him now like he's a stranger and think, how well do I really know him, knowing him like I do then there will probably be deflection possibly some blame etc. I think the reason I'm waiting until I've spoken to my councillor as well is because I like to be as prepared as possible for any reaction he might have if that makes sense. I want to be able to speak to him about it and be as clear headed as I can possibly be considering what I found.

That's one of my questions too. I'm now questioning the times he was 30/60 minutes late back was he actually doing something else or was he actually caught up at work. Or every Sunday when he's gone to his dad's was that actually where he was going or on Tuesdays when he is meant to see his daughter was that actually where he was. He doesn't actually get much time at home on his own

Get yourself an STD check tomorrow. Goodness where he has been.

I’m sorry @ConfidentTulip88. It all sounds terribly sordid.

I feel like this is a test to see if he can manipulate your boundaries. He’s left that there knowing full well you could find it. He’s seeing how open to this you are.

🤮 hopefully he is not a serial offender and this is not his tool kit and trophies.

Joking aside (I hope) I don’t blame you for pulling away from this.

I didn't think of that. Assumed he was using the stuff solo to get kicks. But if he really doesn't get much time alone at home, it's a real possibility he's doing it somewhere else. Using the car boot could be connected with that, or it could just be his (crap) idea of a "safe" place to stash it.

My DH likes to cross dress from time to time for his own sexual gratification, it’s a huge turn on for him. It doesn’t float my boat so he doesn’t do it in front of me, but when the urge takes him and he’s alone for a few hours in the house then he’ll do it. I’m quite open minded and I don’t mind that he does it. He also likes anal play and would use a condom on the dildo or use a condom for a posh wank. He tends to get the urge when he’s feeling stressed with work, it’s sort of an escapism or release for him.

i can understand why you’re upset about the used underwear. They could be from before you got together?

The cross dressing, if that's what it is, is something I could probably learn to live with, the used underwear could be from when we were together but wtaf is it doing in my home. It makes my home feel dirty, I never said it was ok for him to bring it inside, he always told me it was at his parents place so that's where I believed it was. I know in the past he has used condoms for a "posh wank" so that could well be what they are for. X

This. If you give him an inch, he will happily take a mile and more and have no care for you.

Now is the time to act in your own Self Interest because no one else will.

This is honestly not the first time he has shown disrespect. A couple of years ago he felt it appropriate to tell his ex ( the mother of his daughter) about our sex life or lack there of ( the sex life has always been virtually non existent because of me) but I'm having counseling to help

Wtf. If my dh was a crossdresser and liked used female underwear I wouldn't be able to even be in the same room as him tbh. So for the sex.. but seriously why are you with this disgusting loser? Does he have any redeeming qualities?

I'd probably stop wasting your money on counselling for this as I doubt you'll ever want to have sex with him again anyway after this.

I'd have dumped the bag and contents straight into the rubbish bin. It sounds like he's having sex with a man possibly when dressed up as a woman. I'd bin him off too. He sounds vile to bring that into your home. Get a STI test immediately too.

I think its very likely that he has been cheating on you with men

I wouldn’t want to have sex with a man who collects dirty women’s underwear either
god knows what the fuck else he’s up to

How are things @ConfidentTulip88 ?