Am I unrealistic about wanting more balanced and reciprocal friendships?

[Jollytealswan]

As someone in their late fifties I look back over the years and realise that I have had some spectacularly awful friendships and even some of my current friendships are definitely one-sided with me doing all the phoning and texting. I get that we should be supportive and kind to other people, but sometimes I feel like someone's emotional support animal. At other times I don't hear from other friends for months. I make myself available for emotional outpourings and sounding offs, but its not reciprocated. I seem to spend a lot of time on my own for someone who tries to be supportive to everyone. I know that everyone is busy, but a text now and again isn't too much surely?
Am i being unrealistic ?

I could’ve written this post. I feel the same way. I’m currently doing an experiment of not making the 1st move and seeing who else does. And sadly, my social life feels like it’s ended. But tbh, I’m ok with that for now as am going through a stressful period and don’t want to go out as much!
but it’s sad

I feel exactly the same. I’m always the one who organises and maintains contact with a significant number of friends. Recently I have just stopped. If texts go unanswered or people fail to follow through on arranging plans then I don’t follow it up. Only a couple of friends ever check in on me.
Some days it’s very lonely. I don’t know what the solution is either. I’m sorry you are in the same position

Another one here.
I have issues with friendships not being reciprocal.

Interestingly, I seem to have stopped being the sounding board. I have had a lot of stuff going on in life and I have found the couple of friends I thought I could depend on have backed off. I think they primarily used me for sounding off. Now they realise I have my own issues, I'm not such an attractive proposition.
I wouldn't mind becoming the sounding board again if it were reciprocal I think it might be really helpful.
I am early retired on health grounds and looking for people to do more things with. It really isn't easy. I'm trying new things and also hope to expand my social network. One interest as led to my current friendships.
I have a neurodivergence. This makes a difference as I better relate to like-minded people. I want to find more of my tribe. Having said that less is more as I don't know how I would maintain too many friendships on the basis of energy.
I have a couple of friends who are close and a few more whom I meet up on an occasional basis for coffee.

Some of it is down to luck I guess, who you meet along the way.

And just to add I have become better at pouring my energy into friendships that have more meaning and are more reciprocal on a time and energy basis.

But there’s your problem, OP. You ‘make yourself available for emotional outpourings and soundings off’ and you feel like you’re people’s ‘emotional support animal’ — that’s because you are positioning yourself that way, and then getting cross when no one reciprocates, in part because you go around behaving as if the other person is then important one, and you have no needs!.

I am so sorry you are going through this too.

I often think that either: I don’t have the same type of friendships as lots of MN or that my friends are just extraordinarily lacking in drama.

I haven’t had to deal with emotional outpourings from friends since I was a teenager and only very occasionally get used as a sounding board and certainly not in a way that feels at all oppressive.

I am doing the same, my large friend group chat I'm not posting in. Not suggesting catch ups like I normally would.
a couple of friends I want to catch up with I have.
as a woman in her fifties I'm also done with the nonsense

Speak up. It's easy to get into patterns; sometimes telling the person that they weren't listening, or that it upsets you she leaves all the organising to you, will make them think. Give them the chance to change. I'd really think carefully before just deciding to give up on old friendships. That link with the past gets important.

I’m very easy about friendship, like the saying a reason a season a lifetime. They’re not test people have to pass, why be so demanding of someone.

I really enjoy my friends whenever I see them but they’re my bonus people.

I think you have a really good point there. I have always tried to look after my friends and be the strong one, but it just doesn't work well. I have dealt with overdoses, stalkers, money problems, mental health issues, job problems and so on. One woman wanted a going-out friend so she wasn't turning up to events alone, then accused me of stealing her life, because I made some friends in her friendship group.
People are bizarre.

IME you're either loving, empathetic and compassionate or you're not. It's who I am. But I have learnt not to be attached to people who do not reciprocate. They are in my life but very much on the periphery. Do I give it much thought? Not really. It is how it is. I much prefer my own company and being in nature.

Personally, I don't mind being the one who tends to get in touch first and organise things. That doesn't bother me at all and I don't see it as a reflection on the friendship - it's just that some people are more organised than others. But it would bother me if I felt that, when we did meet up, a friend was expecting me to spend the whole time listening to their problems and wasn't interested if I had something I wanted to talk about.

Maybe you’ve been very unlucky, and I imagine you feel pretty bruised, but as you can’t alter other people’s behaviour, I’d focus on your own mindset here, and moving it away from a focus on what other people might need, and indeed away from ‘looking after’ and ‘being the strong one’ for others. Stop positioning yourself as other people’s emotional support functionary. Focus on your needs. What do you need right now from your friends? Are you prepared to ask for it?

It may be that, having positioned yourself as the strong one/the listening post/the shoulder to cry on for years, you may need to be unusually explicit about what you need from other people now, in order to ‘retrain’ the relationships. People aren’t psychic. You might be surprised at some people’s responses, in good ways as well as bad. One of my friends said ‘You don’t know what a relief it is to hear you being vulnerable.’ She said she’d never been sure how aware I was of how closed-off I was about stuff I had going on, and how I automatically deflected attention back to her problems. She was right.

This is the pattern I am in too OP. I decided to stop contacting several friends and unbelievably I just never heard from them again. Years later I’m still processing that they were absolutely fine to never see me again. It hurts.

But I’m using this as an opportunity to be curious about why I got myself in this pattern. I can remember noticing things I wasn’t happy with at the start of the friendships and carrying on anyway. So now I’m trying to tune in when that happens and make sure I don’t invest too much and become the ‘helper’ in the relationship.

The other thing that strikes me is wondering what I actually want out of friendships. I don’t actually need too much in terms of support and never ask for that but I suppose there is something about wanting to feel valued by the other person and needed. And I’m not sure if that’s healthy or not, I didn’t have good relationship models growing up.

I think i just want them to text me or ring me for a chat or go out for a walk or go do something for the day like a museum or shopping or a market. I get outpourings of perceived injustices, relationship problems for sometimes over an hour and then nothing for weeks. I end trying to give advice like " ring them and speak to them directly" or " write everything down factually and date it". I try to cheer up or put into prospective.

You're not being unreasonable.

Some people seem to slip easily into a mother / therapist role. That's a very valuable thing attribute in another person. Once people see that about someone, they tend to pigeon hole them into that role, and worse, some become to feel entitled to that attention so that when you do withdraw or put up boundaries, they respond in a worse way than they would to someone who never gave them that support.

It sounds like these people are using you OP, and you haven't learnt earlier on in life to avoid people who will only bring you trouble, but you could learn. Your last post really shows they're not interested in your company, but just want someone to listen to them.

If I’m honest I think very long friendships can change as some people change I have friends of 30 and 35 years who are still lovely people. But life circumstances and also what we like have diverged immensely over the years.

One has become incredibly bitter about being divorced a couple of times, very much says well it’s alright for you as you have Mr Pension Mention. I am careful not to send too much information on what we are doing together. She is really angry about it all. Very much in to fashion and going to see live music.

The other ended up becoming someone who likes lots of big girly get togethers, and drinking champagne at her country club. She is just a very sunny person that’s easy to love. I do worry she is ashamed of her background, we both grew up poor and have made it out of poverty, she tries very much to hide her background.

I have remained very much the same as I was when I was very young, hiking in the countryside, swimming in the sea.

@Jollytealswan The first one spends most of her time complaining about being single. She is not one of the I love being single types, she is bloody miserable.

hi op. i personally think this is a natural stage of wisdom some of us crones reach. our need for friendship becomes about something deeper. and we can find some of the relationships around us are there but not edifying or satisfying in the ways we know they can be and some actually harm us, and we’re running out of time.

i’m at the same stage with romance too as well as friendship. single after a 25 year healthy marriage. and where as i would have felt i should have a partner years ago, now i find it an honour and a privilege to now possess enough wisdom to be at peace with waiting, not actively seeking, however long, for good people to swing by. and they will.

Adding myself to this list as I have always been the one to keep in contact and keep my friendships going but recently realised I am the one doing all the running so now I am going to sit back and see who contacts me or makes an effort as I am sick of being the only one to always do it.

This is what I want. I'm doing this do you fancy coming along. Right now, I would love a walking buddy. I am really struggling with my mental health and menopausal. I could possibly have an undiagnosed neurodivergence which requires investigating. I want sincere friends who are kind and listen and who are able to be vulnerable with me. I do have one of these and one in the making. Another who I value though don't see enough of.

I have always been the people please, the helper. I would love it if someone actually sought out my company - one of my friends does this - I need about x5 of these. So many people have busy lives. So many people attend the gym and don't say a word. We wonder why loneliness is such a big issue.

I have always be the one who is fine...the strong one.
When I turn around and have issues, funny how some of my older 'friendships' have faded.

I have gotten to the point where i just go up to London by myself. I went to the Nottinghill Carnival by myself. Because after years of suiting parents. partners, friends and children I realised I didn't get to go or do what I wanted.
My friends don't have time or can only spare me an hour. They have dozens of reasons to not go for coffee or a walk.

I think this is a good idea. I was talking to someone recently who does just this. They go do what they want to. I haven't got into this mindset yet. I need to. I feel like there is something very wrong with me not having people to do things with. I have one good friend who accompanies me with a lot of activities. I feel very exposed doing things on my own. I'm trying to get to the root of this. Many people can face older age on their own. How do you overcome this barrier? I think in my case I have a neurodivergence which I'm attempting to get to the bottom of. I have no great ambition to travel, still it would be lovely to have the option of having this.

The problem with being someone’s emotional support animal is that you become their counsellor and then when their issue is removed or they’ve adapted they don’t need you anymore. Keep your circles wide and your conversations light and friendly. I have a few friends from my school days (I’m on my 50s now) who know my deepest darkest secrets and we are rock solid though we live too far apart to meet more than a few times a year. The rest of my friends and acquaintances (and I have a lot) are for gossipy drinks and lunches and that’s where they’re staying. I may discuss a work problem or a minor problem with one of my kids, but I’d never discuss a relationship or significant health problem with most of them.