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Original poster

Am I unrealistic about wanting more balanced and reciprocal friendships?

35 replies

Jollytealswan · 03/10/2026 00:12

As someone in their late fifties I look back over the years and realise that I have had some spectacularly awful friendships and even some of my current friendships are definitely one-sided with me doing all the phoning and texting. I get that we should be supportive and kind to other people, but sometimes I feel like someone's emotional support animal. At other times I don't hear from other friends for months. I make myself available for emotional outpourings and sounding offs, but its not reciprocated. I seem to spend a lot of time on my own for someone who tries to be supportive to everyone. I know that everyone is busy, but a text now and again isn't too much surely?
Am i being unrealistic ?

OP posts:
Thatsthebottomline · 04/10/2026 16:31

Jollytealswan · 03/10/2026 00:12

As someone in their late fifties I look back over the years and realise that I have had some spectacularly awful friendships and even some of my current friendships are definitely one-sided with me doing all the phoning and texting. I get that we should be supportive and kind to other people, but sometimes I feel like someone's emotional support animal. At other times I don't hear from other friends for months. I make myself available for emotional outpourings and sounding offs, but its not reciprocated. I seem to spend a lot of time on my own for someone who tries to be supportive to everyone. I know that everyone is busy, but a text now and again isn't too much surely?
Am i being unrealistic ?

People will always show you what they want and where you fit in their lives. You have to decide if this is enough. My experience is very much like the book "Let Them", as in let them show you where you fit in their life, as you let them and do other things instead.

In the dark when it's light again, the first thing people do.is blow out the candle. Don't expect anything off anyone, its much easier that way.

Movingsomeplantsabout · 04/10/2026 16:36

ABitFab · 03/10/2026 00:54

I am doing the same, my large friend group chat I'm not posting in. Not suggesting catch ups like I normally would.
a couple of friends I want to catch up with I have.
as a woman in her fifties I'm also done with the nonsense

I’ve finally had enough of competitive jealousy, subtle digs and a campaign of nonsense designed to wind me up so I’m doing a slow fade on a frenemy. I’m too old to be dragged down by this shit. Do one

ThatGladTiger · 04/10/2026 16:45

TruffleSlinky · 03/10/2026 08:12

Personally, I don't mind being the one who tends to get in touch first and organise things. That doesn't bother me at all and I don't see it as a reflection on the friendship - it's just that some people are more organised than others. But it would bother me if I felt that, when we did meet up, a friend was expecting me to spend the whole time listening to their problems and wasn't interested if I had something I wanted to talk about.

100% this.

Some people are organisers and others well….are not.

If your friends are genuinely happy to see you when you suggest meeting up and you have a good time please don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.

thenewaveragebear1983 · 04/10/2026 19:14

I felt the same as this a few years ago, and I decided in the end to message a few people one more time, and then await the reciprocal…. Nothing. They are no longer worth my time. Be prepared to go through a bit of a lonely phase where you don’t even have the shit friends. But it clears out a bit of space for new people to come into your life. I joined a really good outdoor fitness class which I love, and I set up a meet up group for local women to walk (we started in our local park, we now do loads). It takes time but you can and should expect better.

Original poster
Jollytealswan · 04/10/2026 20:20

I have to saw that all these posts from people who feel the same way has been reassuring that it's not just me, but also quite sad that so many people are feeling unappreciated/lonely/bl&&dy fed-up.
Its Sunday night and I have checked in with people and listened to a lot of troubles. I have tried to jolly along/ cheer up/encourage/rationalise, but still didn't see anyone or have someone initate contact.
And I know now that I won't be the only one.

OP posts:
Cheeseplantalltheway · 04/10/2026 21:47

I used to be like this. Then I got ill, for years. Many people who wanted things from me fell away since I could no longer do what they wanted.

I went through a painful, lonely time. But I came through it. It changed me. Now, I don't pursue friendships that are unbalanced/ non reciprocal ( over time, I mean. It's natural for friends to lean on each other at times. But if it's always me giving, I take a step back).

Friendships are now better. Life is better.

Getalittle · 05/10/2026 00:06

Cheeseplantalltheway · 04/10/2026 21:47

I used to be like this. Then I got ill, for years. Many people who wanted things from me fell away since I could no longer do what they wanted.

I went through a painful, lonely time. But I came through it. It changed me. Now, I don't pursue friendships that are unbalanced/ non reciprocal ( over time, I mean. It's natural for friends to lean on each other at times. But if it's always me giving, I take a step back).

Friendships are now better. Life is better.

This is what has happened to me. I was very supported of a friend who had a lot of genuine hardship but when I became unwell I pulled away and they never moved towards so it ended the friendship effectively. Similar with a few people.

ABitFab · 07/10/2026 11:46

ABitFab · 03/10/2026 00:54

I am doing the same, my large friend group chat I'm not posting in. Not suggesting catch ups like I normally would.
a couple of friends I want to catch up with I have.
as a woman in her fifties I'm also done with the nonsense

I say large but it's probably a dozen of school mums who I've known for about ten years.

Netcurtainnelly · 07/10/2026 19:24

PensionMention · 03/10/2026 11:14

If I’m honest I think very long friendships can change as some people change I have friends of 30 and 35 years who are still lovely people. But life circumstances and also what we like have diverged immensely over the years.

One has become incredibly bitter about being divorced a couple of times, very much says well it’s alright for you as you have Mr Pension Mention. I am careful not to send too much information on what we are doing together. She is really angry about it all. Very much in to fashion and going to see live music.

The other ended up becoming someone who likes lots of big girly get togethers, and drinking champagne at her country club. She is just a very sunny person that’s easy to love. I do worry she is ashamed of her background, we both grew up poor and have made it out of poverty, she tries very much to hide her background.

I have remained very much the same as I was when I was very young, hiking in the countryside, swimming in the sea.

@Jollytealswan The first one spends most of her time complaining about being single. She is not one of the I love being single types, she is bloody miserable.

Terrible thing to say it's alright for you. Not much of a friend.

Wallaseyite · 09/10/2026 00:20

OP I very much sympathise. My friends seem to have melted away for a variety of reasons, sometimes simply moving a long way away, but also just never answering repeated cheery invitations to catch up. Others were firm friends for years then quite abruptly stopped responding, which made me feel a bit paranoid if I'm honest, as if someone had told them something awful and untrue about me. It's really quite saddening.

You sound lovely & empathetic, the sort of friend anyone would love to have, but the truth is, people with big emotional problems are also often people who are very needy, so don't really think about reciprocating. You're drawn to them because you're one of the world's "nurses" but they're simply not emotionally equipped to conduct balanced relationships.

Is it possible that you unconsciously choose people like this because the dynamic of the relationship is one that you find easy to sustain - ie you give and they take? It's unequal, but the psychological payoff is that you can feel that you're doing the right thing. I think I do this.

I don't believe the answer is to expect less, or even nothing at all, so that you can't be disappointed. But it probably does involve gently disentangling yourself from your "patients" and starting to get to know people who don't display neediness. People who are interested in you for more than just emotional support. Of course we should support our friends through tough times, but some people want ONLY that - the 'real' friendship beyond that one-way support isn't really there. You've done nothing wrong; you've just discovered that some relationships were more one-sided than you'd hoped. Time to seek out more balanced friendship. I'm trying to do exactly this.

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