Finding weekends difficult now I am a non drinker and my husband drinks

[LastnightaDJsavedmylife73]

I’m looking for opinions of those in a same or similar situation (or have been). I’m not planning on leaving my OH, I just need a way to make this work.

So, due to a long term condition I can no longer consume alcohol, probably never again. I used to love a few drinks over the weekend, and I love & miss decent wine, but I’m having to get used to a new way of living. I’m getting there.

My husband, of course still enjoys weekend drinks, and I wouldn’t expect him not to. However, when he’s had a few I find him quite insufferable 😣.. He can also be quite reactive, and take exception to things I say, that I know he wouldn’t if sober. This will lead to an argument which is completely unnecessary, and you can’t reason with a drunk person so I’ll just go upstairs. I’m starting to dread the weekend evenings! Depending on the week he’s had at work he can also be quite a morose drinker, and will then start going on and on about work, the state of the world, something I’m watching on tv that he thinks is pointless, anything negative really.

I'm fairly certain I was a bit of a t*at when I’d been drinking, and so this is one positive for me. And I never used to notice these things about him when we were drinking together.

He’s a lovely kind man day to day. He funny, smart, supportive and hardworking. I don’t want to make him sound awful, he really isn’t.

How, do I learn to cope better with being the non drinker in a relationship? I want to still have fun together, but it just doesn’t seem to happen once he’s had a few.

Maybe I’m in the wrong for expecting too much?

I’m sorry to say but I divorced a man who turned into this the moment alcohol touched his lips. He was so disrespectful of me and walk talk down to me so much that for years I dreaded all occasions where drinks were served. Cocky, arrogant, sometimes morose, snappy, depressive, every negative trait you can think of, he would display.

I’m sorry to say but this behaviour will never go away, unless he by some miracle is someone who will see how it’s affecting you and is willing to change (my exh would get volatile at the sheer mention of me ever saying anything about it so I just put up and shut up until I couldn’t any more)

Explain to him how he makes you feel. See if he is willing to change.

You don’t. You tell him he’s actually really awful when drunk. When I quit alcohol my husband did too… my best friend also decided never to drink around me. I never asked them to but it showed me wow how much they loved me.

Ask him to cut back.

Why is he getting drunk so often?

Why can’t he stop drinking? If I couldn’t drink and was missing it I’d expect dh not to do it in front of me for a while at least but maybe ever. If dp got morose or started arguments drunk I’d expect him not to drink anymore. If dp drank all weekend every weekend I’d also be a bit concerned.
I think it’s fine to ask him to stop drinking.

Well I suppose it depends on on the reason. For quitting. I wouldn’t expect him to stop the things he enjoys because I have to.

He has a few drinks on a Friday and a Saturday night. He probably isn’t even very drunk, but when you’re stone cold sober, most people seem a bit different even after 1 drink

I just don’t think that’s realistic. I’ve had to give up but that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it. I would t expect him to make such a huge lifestyle change.

I would however, like him to be more self aware when drinking.

Change your routine. Cinema or bowling on Friday nights. Saturday night go for a swim, sauna somewhere.

If I had to give up alcohol I wouldn’t expect my partner to. But I would hope he would moderate it. Getting drunk regularly isn’t great

my husband doesn’t drink anymore (well it’s only been 2 months so far) but I’m not sure hel ever drink again tbh

we did used to drink together on weekends in the house - but tbh it wasn’t always great as could easily cause arguments over silly things and we’d be woken super early by 2 year old and then the day was kinda shit cus we were a bit hungover etc

so since he quit I decided not to drink in the house at alll anymore - only if I’m out at something !

i don’t really see the point in drinking alone either tbh - it’s not the same so I don’t bother now tbh

i won’t be stopping drinking myself - like we plan to go out for my birthday to a gig and il be drinking at that and he won’t

but I think overall it’s been good for me to cut right back and I don’t think I’d like to be tipsy on my own in the evening and him sober tbh

the dynamic off it is off and I don’t think I’d want to listen to a tipsy person going on while I was sober either

I remember being pregnant and leaving nights out early as it felt like everyone was just talking shite and repeating themselves and I was like this is boring listening to you all 😂😂

I would talk to him OP
Tell him you’re happy for him to enjoy a few drinks at home but you can’t be the same company. Go to bed before him or after him.
My dh can’t drink for medical reasons and I still like a drink. Last night we ate a meal and watched a movie, I drank he didn’t. We didn’t chat too much whereas if we both were drinking the chat would flow. He misses the drink I miss the chat but we’re muddling through. I won’t do shit talk when he’s not drinking, I remember how painful it was when I was pregnant!

I had to stop drinking for health reasons, although I’d never been a heavy drinker. Anyway, shortly after i stopped DH decided to stop. All good, except he developed a problem with his pancreas, eight years after he’d stopped drinking. The doctor said the alcohol had permanently damaged his pancreas, an organ that doesn’t really recover and he died. Admittedly he often drank a bit too much, especially at weekends but he wasn’t drinking bottles of spirits every day. There’s a reason they tell us not to drink more than the recommended limit.

I don’t know one drink should make a big difference behaviour wise.
I would bet that a few drinks twice a week though is way over the recommended limits. It sounds like he would struggle not to do this from what you’re saying? What happens if you said let’s go out for a meal/non alcoholic activity and he drove?

If drinking is making him miserable, morose and belligerent then it's not surprising you don't enjoy being with him when he's drinking. And you need to tell him that! Having a few drinks isn't unreasonable but his behaviour is. Unless he's willing to change things, this is going to wear you down and you'll have to decide whether you're going to put up with it, or not.

Tell him his behaviour is unacceptable when he drinks too much. He needs to drink less.

I don’t drink regularly , maybe just Christmas and Birthdays . My husband still does - a couple of glasses he’s fine , a bottle to himself I see a difference in him too . He knows I don’t like it and now 99% of the time he sticks to two glasses ( even buys the little individual bottles ) . He drinks when he’s stressed from work really .

This is about communication really - you need a calm conversation when both sober . It’s not just about how you find him when drunk , it’s about why he’s relying on alcohol in the first place .

When he’s sober tell him (kindly) what he’s like when he’s had a drink.

I do sympathise, my DH used to go for only a few drinks on a Friday night, and he was just like your DH.

Drinking a lot when no one else present is drinking is a bit weird. Fine to have a beer or glass of wine or two but it sounds like he's drinking a lot more than that and is not really getting any pleasure out of it if he becomes arsey and argumentative.

Can you find out why he is drinking so much? Do you think he's dependent on alcohol?

If he was getting pissed on a Wednesday I'd take myself off for a nice bath or read a book.

If its every Saturday either take yourself out or tell him to go to the pub with his mates.

Is he actually enjoying it though if he's being morose and argumentative?

If he doesn't want to stop then I think that in time your opinion on leaving him will change. You can't live your life like this forever

Imagine you regularly did something that made you morose, insufferable, negative reactive, and take exception to things that you wouldn’t if sober. Something that made you unnecessarily argumentative, unreasonable and caused you to rant on about work problems and the state of world in a way you wouldn't normally.

Something that made your partner leave the room and dread the weekend evenings.

Do you think you would keep doing it?
Tell him how it is. In no uncertain terms.
If he doesn't change record him whilst he's on a pissed up whinge........then play it back to him when he's sober.

If that doesn't stop him then he's a real problem.
You shouldn't have to put up with it.

You have my sympathies.

My DH is a functioning alcoholic. He drinks a bottle of wine a day, and then can become argumentative. He always denies this. He starts drinking about 3 in the afternoon and finishes the bottle by about 6.

I have learned not to bother talking to him after he has finished his bottle. We have been married for over 50 years so no question of divorce.

I don't know what the answer is. I can't see him ever giving up.

You can choose to divorce him even though you’ve been married 50 years. Don’t waste any more of your life on him and his drinking problem. Your roles in this are pretty much entrenched but you can go onto lead a different life. You’re never too old to start over.

Omg, this! It’s really hard being the the sober one around people who’ve had a drink, I hope over the years it gets easier.

We too used to get in to silly arguments when we were both drinking at the weekends, not always, we had some great times too, but argument do happen more easily when you’re both drinking.

Id would love it if he cut back a bit, not just for me but also from a health perspective. And of course drink we go out, I’m happy to be designated driver!

If he is a reasonable lovely man in the week find a time to talk to him about how he is when he’s been drinking and perhaps agree that you can say “happy now” after a bit of whinging and he accepts that without a drunk argument