Finding weekends difficult now I am a non drinker and my husband drinks

[LastnightaDJsavedmylife73]

I’m looking for opinions of those in a same or similar situation (or have been). I’m not planning on leaving my OH, I just need a way to make this work.

So, due to a long term condition I can no longer consume alcohol, probably never again. I used to love a few drinks over the weekend, and I love & miss decent wine, but I’m having to get used to a new way of living. I’m getting there.

My husband, of course still enjoys weekend drinks, and I wouldn’t expect him not to. However, when he’s had a few I find him quite insufferable 😣.. He can also be quite reactive, and take exception to things I say, that I know he wouldn’t if sober. This will lead to an argument which is completely unnecessary, and you can’t reason with a drunk person so I’ll just go upstairs. I’m starting to dread the weekend evenings! Depending on the week he’s had at work he can also be quite a morose drinker, and will then start going on and on about work, the state of the world, something I’m watching on tv that he thinks is pointless, anything negative really.

I'm fairly certain I was a bit of a t*at when I’d been drinking, and so this is one positive for me. And I never used to notice these things about him when we were drinking together.

He’s a lovely kind man day to day. He funny, smart, supportive and hardworking. I don’t want to make him sound awful, he really isn’t.

How, do I learn to cope better with being the non drinker in a relationship? I want to still have fun together, but it just doesn’t seem to happen once he’s had a few.

Maybe I’m in the wrong for expecting too much?

He’d have a beer at the cinema! Tbf before my health took a nose dive I would’ve had a glass of wine at the cinema, so I’m the one that changed, not him. But I do think he’s drinking more now, not more days, but more in each session.

I like the idea of a swim.sauna on a Saturday evening. I’ve also been thinking we could start an activity together, eg padel. I’ve not really been able to exercise for a year, and I’m quite weak as a result, so whether I have the stamina to run sound a padel court I don’t know, but we could try!

I didn’t drink for about 4 years through menopause. DH still had a drink. The difference was, DH was never morose or argumentative when he had a drink. He does get a bit silly when he is at a party and drinks a lot - but that happens at most once a year!

My best friend’s DH doesn’t drink at all. She loved a glass of wine or 2 when they go out - she gets more chilled when she drinks. If she was morose or argumentative, he would not have stayed married to her for 25 years.

The point is, your DHs drinking is a problem in itself. It doesn’t matter whether or not you drink - he is a miserable drunk at weekends, every weekend. To save your marriage, he needs to deal with this.

Thank you This is exactly it, a couple of beers to wind down, a glass of wine with dinner, all good. A bottle is a different story. I’ve tried to talk to him before, and did again this morning. He got quite defensive, but he knows. I’ve told him needs to stop drinking to get drunk and if he has stresses that are causing him issues he needs to find another way to deal with those. I don’t know if it hit home.

My friend divorced her alcoholic DH when she turned 60. She’s now living her best life. Please don’t settle for being married to an alcoholic. There’s a better life waiting for you. 💐

My partner is t-total never drank since being a teenager but I’ll have a couple but only if I go out I’ve never been a drinker at home. Never causes an issue but then I would only ever have a couple.

Thank you, this is exactly our situation. We used to sit in the garden or in our garden room and just laugh, chat shit and listen to music when we both used to have a drink. He doesn’t seem to realise I grieve that part of my life/our life, but I’ve had to move on. He hasn’t moved on and now wants me to still do it without drinking and it just doesn’t work.

i know he misses it, i miss it too but he’s just not trying to find a new way. I don’t want him to stop drinking, I want him to drink less so he doesn’t become unaware of his behaviour/attitude.

I’m sorry to read this. Yes, there are few benefits to drinking alcohol. However, I cannot judge because I binged drank through my 20/30 and so I probably did myself some damage too. My health condition has nothing to do with alcohol consumption though.

I’m sorry to read this. My Dad was a functioning alcoholic, and so I know how this feels, he was awful when drunk & probably why I’m so worried about my OH (although he’s not like my Dad, im not scared of him), I assume your husband is retired?

My OH has a ‘big’ job and so for that reason he rarely drinks in the week, but I can def see he could have alcoholic tendencies if that changed. I worry about retirement. Whereas, even when I drank I was well aware of not drinking too many days because my childhood was marked by living with an alcoholic.

I wish you all the very best x

Thank you for everyone who took the time to reply and offer their experience or perspective.

I've tried to have a chat with him today. I’ve said that it feels like he’s drinking to get drunk, and not because he enjoys the taste or because it helps him relax. I’ve said that’s it’s making him morose and argumentative and I don’t want to be around him. He was super defensive, but has acknowledged he probably is drinking to get drunk. He didn’t say he was going to address that, but he’s not having a drink this evening.

This is very difficult.

I suppose it’s good that he’s looking at his drinking critically. I think that you’re seeing asking someone to cut back or stop drinking as some kind of imposition on their freedom and enjoyment, but his behaviour when drinking is harming your freedom and enjoyment of life. So I don’t see why his right to drink is more important than your right to feel happy and comfy in your own home.

I stopped drinking because I was like your husband when I got drunk. Alcohol in this country is often seen as an assumed need rather than something that is completely optional.

You asked for people in your situation to comment. I very rarely drink and am considering giving it up altogether. This is purely for health reasons: I don’t wish to imbibe empty calories now that keeping my weight down is becoming a real issue for me. DH drinks pretty much every day. Like you, I remove myself from his sphere when I perceive that he is drunk. As his retirement is imminent, I will speak to him about the situation as he has more health reasons than me to not drink: takes medication for high blood pressure, is overweight, & smokes. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s me or the drink. He can’t have both.

IMO this isn't do much a drinking vs non drinking problem as a dh problem and a your dh and how alcohol affects him problem/how much he drinks.

I regularly don't drink through choice and can happily sit in a pub sober chatting with friends who are drinking and have a great time. The difference being my friends and dh are a) not getting really drunk, b) don't change personality after a few drinks.

Maybe he should stop. If he drinks alone every weekend and isn't nice when drunk that indicates a drink problem.
You should make other weekend plans, go out with friends or with him doing activities that don't involve alcohol.

Thank you. I don’t want to give ultimatums, I’ve asked him to reflect on why he’s drinking to get drunk every weekend, and how it’s affecting our relationship. I hope he does reflect and cut back. I certainly won’t be living like this forever.

I hope your husband chose you and not alcohol. Seems like an easy choice, but I know that’s often not the case.

Re weight- honestly I don’t think I drank loads, but not gaining back weight lost due to illness has been far easier without alcohol, (even though I may have replaced with more snacks 😂)…

Ha I felt the same.

people who drink think they’re fun, hilarious and engaging. Hate non drinkers as “boring” and “spoilsports”, often doing all they can to persuade them to join in.

then you stop drinking and realise that actually, the drinkers are the boring ones and you have to sit their listening to their incoherent ramblings 🤣

One of the things I cringe about when around really drunk people, is how much I would’ve been the same, probably worse when I was drunk! I shudder at some of the shenanigans I’ve got up to over the years! But I’ve also had the best nights, with the best people (including my OH).

Very true. A bunch of men talking to me and my friends a few months ago called me the stuck up one. I’d been happily chatting away and even got them water and things… but I was stuck up because I was the only person not wasted and talking shite and I was also the only married woman there so wasn’t being drunkenly flirty with the male stranger who had sat down without asking.

Drunks are annoying as fuck.

@LastnightaDJsavedmylife73I know what you mean about ultimatums & I’ve only ever given DH one once before. Sadly, it appears that it has to come to that for him to realise I’m serious.

To those of you who replied to my post about my functioning alcoholic husband - thank you. We are both retired in our seventies, so divorce isn't for us. The thing is, we love each other very much and that makes a big difference.

I understand, it sounds like you’re backed in to a corner. I hope it goes how you want it to.

Is this relatively new still? If so, I’d say it gets easier with time. I stopped drinking 3.5 years ago. Dh still drinks, but I’d say probably 3/4 less than he used to. He can go weeks without having a drink sometimes now, where previously it was 4 nights a week at least.

Firstly, go out and do things alone and together that don’t involve alcohol. I started taking a class some Friday evenings so I wasn’t even around. Or if you don’t have children at home, there are so many things can do that don’t involve alcohol. Once it becomes normal to do things like that as a couple instead of just staying home and drinking, it’s no big deal anymore.

Also in time you will adjust. He will almost certainly drink less naturally without you to drink with. It won’t happen overnight but it will likely happen. You can also tell him how much it bothers you. Dh knows I don’t like to be around him drunk. Because I’ve told him. If he wants a big night, a few nights a year he goes away with friends. It doesn’t affect me. I have a lovely weekend and he gets a night out.