Recovering from betrayal

[littlelouloubelle]

How long did it take you to recover from emotional/flirting betrayal? If you chose to stay and work on your relationship.

I only found out a few days ago and I feel like I won’t ever be okay again. It is a very complicated situation with deep wounds.

What exactly happened?

I don't think I ever could. Everything that was before and after would be a lie. It wouldn't be healthy for me to stay. The constant wondering, always second guessing. Trust is so so important. So sorry op. Hope you're OK x

I stayed with my ex dh after a flirtation/emotional affair because we had very young kids and he seemed repentant. We lasted another 6 years but the last 4 or so were shit. He made an effort for a short time then reverted to type. And then when I finally ended things.. guess who he ran to? 🤔

@ThatCyanCat My DH who is in his 30s had been constantly messaging a 19 year old who was his friends girlfriend. They spoke most of the day and all night for around 2-3 weeks. They spoke about her vulnerabilities and their lives, he even sent her photos of our DC. She was aware what time our DC went to bed as that was the only time he wouldn’t message her. The messages also became flirty with comments about her underwear, keeping it their little secret and other flirty things.

they had met in person twice before when my DH went away with their group friends. I wasn’t there though.

It can be recoverable, though it takes time, and only if you both want it.

@FlamingoFloss I don’t know if I want it or not!

What do you mean by work on your relationship? Who is doing the work? Sounds like it might be you. What is he doing to try to make things better? Working on your relationship sounds like you are being pressured to take responsibility for his actions.

From.what yoh have said on your other threads about your H and this young woman he doesn't even seem to think.he has done anything wrong OP..

I 'm sorry but you now know how little he respects you or cares about your marriage. You said the friends he went on the holiday with where this young woman was also there with his friend are a younger age group than him. It sounds as though he is tryng to relive his younger single days.
I.dont see how you will ever be able to trust him.
You deserve so much better OP.

Nah. A man in his 30s messaging a 19 year old?? Thats fucking disgusting and you need to get him to fuck.
People will say shes of age bla bla but there is a line here and he crossed many... its like grooming in a way and he is married!!!

No, no, no, no OP your DH has crossed a line so far that you need to ask yourself why you think you need to recover and not discard?

Your DH was texting a 19 year old for that amount of time, that is him choosing to do this, every single day, for 3 weeks, that you know off, that is the first bit, but to do that to his friend, and you?

That takes a very kind of special type of person to do that, and he will do that again, and again to get that high of excitement, this is not a little side step, this is a personality trait.

You need to ask yourself why you allow him to manipulate you in this way.

Did he own up to you? or you found out?

Because there is a huge difference in what you have to work with here.

@TheAvidWriter I found out by him leaving the messages open on his phone and falling asleep but when I asked him about it he lied 4 times until I found out exactly what happened from the 19 year old and then he admitted it.

I love him and the thought of having to share my DC and not see them all the time is breaking my heart. He does seem really sorry and is crying all the time.

From what you have posted if he is crying it sounds very much like he's upset to have been found out, upset about the consequences of his actions but NOT upset about how much he has hurt and betrayed you

They always do, not because he's sorry, it's because he's been found out. I'm so sorry it's happened to you but goodness knows why a 19 year old wants an older man with young kids.

I can't imagine she does... she probably likes the attention and maybe he seems "worldly" to her but I'll be very very surprised if she wants to run off with him or take on his children.

But that's by the by. She doesn't matter. She's a stupid kid. He's the problem. Don't know where to start, really. Inappropriate messages to another woman, plus she's far too young, plus she's the girlfriend of his friend so he not only hangs out with men whose girlfriends are too young, he then starts messaging those girlfriends himself... I'm sorry OP, but this is really bad news. Even if messaging is all it is, he's an absolute creep.

Tell the boyfriend what you know. Let him deal with the consequences of being known as the bloke who hits on his mates girlfriend.

I would call the boyfriend and say you are sorry to be the one to call him but you found messages on your OH phone to his girlfriend talking about her underwear etc. Say you asked him 4 times and he lied. Then you said you had seen the messages already. Say he has now admitted it was something and he is crying and begging but you are choosing what to do next. Say I didn’t want you to be told a lie if we split up and if it was the other way round you would have hoped he would have told you.

Isn’t it boring how much these cheats cry and beg? So pathetic. ‘Clever’ enough to do the crime but too pathetic to do the work to see why they are such a loser.

They have flaws and problems they can’t cope with (low self esteem, wanting external validation) and they pass the pain to the children’s other parent and maybe even their own kids. Pathetic.

He may think all the ladies want him but a dog shit is sexier than a cheat.

He’s crying because you caught him out.

He’s crying because of consequences.

He wasn’t crying when he was lying to you about this 19 (!) year old girl.

What a creep.

He is entirely in the wrong. Betrayal. Lying. Yuck. Are you sure nothing physical happened?

You can try and carry on. Of course you can.

In my experience, it always the person who was betrayed who has to do all the work. Has to swallow their pride. Has to accept their partner is actually a liar and a skank. Is always full of doubt. Forevermore.

I’ve been there. For me, it’s a road to utter self loathing because of the behaviour of my ex partner and my choice to stay with them.

I think you’re going to have to be so strong and so tough here. I would tell him you’re definitely considering divorce. Ask him to leave. Get some time to yourself. Alone.

The person who hurt you cannot heal you. So it’s pointless having him around at least for the time being.

Men can be so silly. A hint of flattery and they crumble. Sigh.

Grill him on why he lied. The way he responds to this should tell you whether it is likely to happen again.

@moderate He said he lied as he felt so bad about it he couldn’t bring himself to tell the truth.

He would often call the 19 year old a “child” to her face and to their friends. I don’t understand how someone can call someone a “child” and then flirt with them.

Then you have your answer.

He cares more about how he feels than how you feel.

He feels shame, not guilt.

He has learned nothing.

Nah just get out, the line was crossed when he sent pictures of DC and started flirting…you have a future cheat, if he’s doing it now he’s doing it for a reason, which means he’ll probably do it again and again.

He lied because he wanted to see if that worked first, and he was going to lie to you until you gathered enough evidence to confront his lies.

He is treating you with contempt, not love OP.

Your DC are learning what is allowed in relationships, and you are teaching your partner how you can be treated by him by what you allow him to do to you, which then will re-enforce what your children will learn from you both.

He will do this over and over again, as I said earlier, its about the thrill, the ego boost it gives, the high of it all, and he really does not give a toss about how you feel about it, if he did, he would have owned up at the very start of it all.

He is not a man that is ready to commit, not to you, not to the children, and not to his own future. He wants to play.