Struggling after a six-year relationship ended and feeling completely blindsided

[laticheau]

Hi guys. I know a lot of you might be thinking I am being so silly with this, but I am going through it a bit right now.

I (F25) have been with my (now ex) boyfriend for almost 6 years. We met in the first week of university and have had such a beautiful love since. He has never been the most communicative, and I think I have experienced a lot of feeling as though he was never as into me as I was to him, never as invested, and never as obsessed as me. The beggining of the year we were discussing whether to move in together, I sort of made the argument that it's been 5 years, so I am a ittle concerned that he has never considered it. He flip flopped on the topic for months, utimately decided that he did want to live with me, and then I requested that he reassured me. he never reassured me, never led on the process of flat viewings.

I had a pretty fair, frank, firm conversation with him in May that I wasn't having my emotional needs met. He didn't really fight for us, just withdrew. I then poured effort into the relationship more and more and things got really good. Fantastic even. He then blindsides me saying that he is worried that he can't be man I need and he wants us to work long term but he needs space. We then essentially took a break for two months (where unfortunately he held all the power), but constantly reassured me that he took some time to see a therapist and get on the right tracks. We have been seeing eachother for a month and it's gone fanstatically.

Says he is going to pick me up from mine saturday night for a date. I am SO excited. Ends up blindsiding me entirely with 'people told me I seem happier without you', 'having you less in my life I have enjoyed' and says that right now, what he wants is to develop as a man independently.

The last thing he ever said to me was that he wants us to work and loves me so much.

Turns out months ago he also snogged another girl at a party and flirted with her afterward. Unbelievably painful.

Entirely blindsided, can't eat, can't sleep, everything reminds me of him. It's clear he doesn't want me and that he is therefore not my person, but I am terrified at the thought of others/him getting into a reationship/ never finding anybidy again.

Please could I have some positive advice/stories/pep talks? This is horrendous and the thought of him becoming a stranger and him having a life without me is killing me. He has desamated me. I was entirely convinced I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man.

'He has never been the most communicative, and I think I have experienced a lot of feeling as though he was never as into me as I was to him, never as invested, and never as obsessed as me.'

use it as a learning experience, you're young, don't make the same mistake again

Never stay with someone that isn’t into you as much as you are into them. You’re young, you’ll be fine and better to find out now than later when/if kids are involved. It’s hard but you will get over it in time.

I'm really sorry, break-ups can be so painful BUT you've had a lucky escape - even if it will take you years to fully realise it.

It's never a good idea to be with someone where it feels like you're more into them than they are in to you. Be with someone who is excited about building a future with you, whose eyes light up when they see you, who you never feel like you're second best, someone who has shared values about marriage, children, discipline, family, money etc.

You are young and he has done you a favour setting you free so you can find a person who truly adores you and makes you feel good.

Although it doesn’t feel like it now, you will look back non this and wonder how you ever thought you’d be with this man for life. Now you have the opportunity to find yourself in a relationship where you are both equally invested in each other and you'll get to see how lovely that feels.

For now, focus on self care, learn what this relationship was there to teach you, and look forward to the future you can have with a man who has finished growing up.

It’s hard OP but life will carry on and time will pass. And you will start to feel better. This was all him not you and you deserve better. Just look after yourself for now.

It's going to be hard as it's the end of a relationship that has been fairly long term and has seen you through the last of your teenage years and into growing into an adult. The advice can only be the classic one day at a time and you will gradually be able to move on. He's been (fairly) honest and in the long term that's the best for you.

First thing is:
Don't try and get him back and don't let him come back if 6 months down the line he realises what he has given up. It won't work and you'll end up in the same position in another 2 years. It will drain you and make you into someone you aren't and don't want to be.
Second thing is:
Accept it's going to be painful and you're going to be sad when you're doing something and it reminds you of a good time you had with him. It takes time to get over a long relationship, especially when you didn't want it to end. You have to accept this. It does get easier as people will tell you. And it does.
Best advice is to get out and do things and meet people. Easier said than done, but alot better than ruminating.

Last but not least. Don't try and analyse where you went wrong or why he feels like he does. This is not a pattern of failed relationships. It's one relationship from a young age that has run it's course.
At 25 you have a world of opportunities ahead of you. Put this one down to experience, don't look back, accept it will be tough for a while, and move forward to the next stage of your life.
Good luck

I'm really sorry, break-ups can be so painful BUT you've had a lucky escape - even if it will take you years to fully realise it.

This 💯

I had similar story back in the day... he's long gone and I look back now and know it was an unhealthy relationship and I'm forever grateful i didn't end up with him.

Heartbreak is such awful pain 😢. It's very hard to think clearly and see a way forward, keep your thoughts to the short term. Be kind to yourself, cry, journal, write a letter to him and burn it.
With every day that passes, the heart will heal. Don't ask others about him and avoid social media. You have a lot of thoughts to process, so take your time and slowly begin to find things that make you happy.
In time, you will come to realise that you weren't compatible. You are so young, which is great. I have friends that lost their childbearing years in the hope of commitment.
I know how it feels, please believe me that life will get better. Bigger and better things will come. Cross this bridge and a stronger person will emerge, I promise 100%

This happened to me years ago after six years together also. I didn’t think it at the time but it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me, i found out loads of stuff after that I didn’t know about, he wasn’t the person i thought he was. I am now happily married with two children and the relationship is lovely and so easy, i now realise how hard i had to work before to keep things good, it’s not worth it. You will find someone better and realise then this happened for a good reason.

You wont really realise it's the best outcome until you give yourself time to be happy on your own. You've been with him all your adult life so it makes sense you can't imagine doing life without him, but you absolutely can and you will!
Life can be hard work but the right partner eases the burden, rather than adds to it.

Let him go.

You can’t ever force someone to love you because you love them. It never works.

You are young, take a breath. The hurt will fade and one day you will reflect and realise he was never truly the one for you.

I also had a 6 year first love. He cheated -we got back together and then split for good. Hankered after him for years and then had the opportunity to get back together three years after the split. Realised it was all in my head and I’d moved on! You honestly sound like you’re just settling so block him and move on xx
trust me the best is yet to come. I kissed several frogs but ended up with my person

As others say, it's absolutely for the best in the long run.
I had a very serious relationship that began at University and lasted a few years afterwards. He flip flopped and we split briefly, I was devastated, we got back together.
But then I began to feel unsure & I actually eventually ended it. He was upset & said he had been planning to propose just before I did that as he had realised I was "the one".

Had he proposed I probably would have said yes but now I look back and realise how we just weren't compatible and that it was a lovely relationship for a while but we just weren't really right for each other.

I think if one of you is having serious doubts like he is you should walk away even if it feels heartbreaking.
You will look back later and see it was for the best.
You are young and you will meet someone else, someone who is all in and doesn't have doubts.
It will get better. Xx

I think it's extremely unlikely that the man you meet at 19 at uni is going to be the one. You were kids when you met and you've become adults since.

It seems like you put a lot of pressure on forcing this into a shape instead of realising that you are both super young and it is best to let things find their own way of being.

OP you will learn, in time, that no relationship will ever work when there's only 1 person making all the effort.

Effort includes communication, conversation, thoughtfulness, caring, empathy etc.

He showed signs from the very start that he simply wasn't as 'engaged' and 'invested' in the relationship as you were.

That was the 'sign' that this relationship was unlikely to develop further than 'boyfriend/girlfriend'. It was never likely that the relationship would eventually end up in marriage.

It's not a nice experience, but it is an experience 99% of women can relate to, because we've almost all had a relationship like that at some point.

You will love again, and with time, you will be able to recognise the futility of trying to make a relationship 'develop', when you're the only one interested in doing so.

You've heard the term 'raise your standards'. That's what you need to do.

As your standards are definitely too low.

Who would ever want to have to 'persuade' a partner to develop the relationship? Or to have to 'persuade' a partner to communicate with you?

You deserve much, much more than this man was ever willing to give you.

You will find many. many partners who would treat you better than this guy ever did, and no doubt, at some point, you'll be the partner who's just not that keen or interested.

It takes time and patience to learn the complexities of long term relationships, and you are at the very beginning of that journey.

But just remember, it's the journey that moulds the person, not the destination.

Why? How old were you when you met your partner?

Not that much older but I am from a background where people either marry their childhood sweetheart from their mid teens or pretty much practice serial monogamy all their adult lives. We don't meet our partners while studying at university. If we were going to stay together for 5 years, we'd have got started on babies and things or we wouldn't tie ourselves down. Just keep it casual.

@laticheau

So - you got into this relationship at 19. Just as you finished school.
You were children, latched on to each other as you entered the grown up world.
Neither of you had a chance to grow up and mature into your own people - yet.

So - really - the best thing is for both of you to take time off of this co-dependent young relationship. Discover who you are as young adults - and then check in with each other. Or - you’ll rush into something that will fall apart by the time you are in your 40s.

It sounds scary to you now - exactly because you fell into this false security of co-dependence.
But it will be OK.

You need to find out who YOU are, as a person. Not as a part of this couple

Ah interesting. Will this be the same for your kids? Ie does the cycle continue?

Probably won't be exactly the same. It's changing a little with each generation. At the same time, I have no doubt my eldest wouldn't make quite big commitments if it felt right to him.

He wasn't your person... As hard as the breakup feels right now, it will get better. You need to spread your wings, you will meet the right person for you. You now know what you want from a partner.

It doesn't at all sound like being blindsided. He contradicted himself but that sounds expected from the events over 5-6 years you described (plus the break up). I empathise that unrequited feelings is difficult to deal with, but it's time to move on and find someone who is crazy about you. You didn't expand on any reasons for why he seemed happier to people without you - is there anything you can think of that changed for him while you were split up? Could be worth examining that but otherwise: time to move on.

This is your first heartbreak and it is the most horrid painful experience. I have some good news in that the first is the worst. Some more good news in that you're still only 26, and there are literally millions of men and thousands of experiences out there for you. He was just one option. And a bit of a halfhearted one at that. You should never settle for someone that makes you feel like they're doing you a favour.

It's drummed into women from their first Disney film that a man will come along, and finish the picture, it's everywhere, you've literally been indoctrinated into believing that this is the one true way, to find a man, keep him and happiness will follow.

It's not true. It can lead us to grab and hang onto any old dusty halfwit that shows an interest and it's really not necessary. Give yourself some time to lick your wounds and then work out who you are, without him. You were babies when you met, you need to now work out what you want YOUR life to look like, and put as much energy into that as you did into this man, and making it work with someone that wasn't actually that bothered.

It's not personal, tape that on your bathroom mirror. Because it's not, he's just not capable of adding to your life what you want him to, and you deserve much better. This awful feeling will pass, treat it like grief, it will come in waves, but the waves will space out and be less strong until one day you'll realise you don't know when he last crossed your mind. Do not romanticise him, or idealise the relationship, write down every time he let you down, disappointed you, or made you feel less than required. What you wanted that this relationship did not give you. Add to this list as things surface.

I've lived with men, shared homes, and rent and bills and a life with men that I do not have the foggiest idea where or who they are now, and at the time, I certainly loved them very much. Life goes on my love, let it.

He no longer loves you like he did when you were both young. You can't force it. Let him go and work on enjoying your life and putting yourself first.