Struggling after a six-year relationship ended and feeling completely blindsided

[laticheau]

Hi guys. I know a lot of you might be thinking I am being so silly with this, but I am going through it a bit right now.

I (F25) have been with my (now ex) boyfriend for almost 6 years. We met in the first week of university and have had such a beautiful love since. He has never been the most communicative, and I think I have experienced a lot of feeling as though he was never as into me as I was to him, never as invested, and never as obsessed as me. The beggining of the year we were discussing whether to move in together, I sort of made the argument that it's been 5 years, so I am a ittle concerned that he has never considered it. He flip flopped on the topic for months, utimately decided that he did want to live with me, and then I requested that he reassured me. he never reassured me, never led on the process of flat viewings.

I had a pretty fair, frank, firm conversation with him in May that I wasn't having my emotional needs met. He didn't really fight for us, just withdrew. I then poured effort into the relationship more and more and things got really good. Fantastic even. He then blindsides me saying that he is worried that he can't be man I need and he wants us to work long term but he needs space. We then essentially took a break for two months (where unfortunately he held all the power), but constantly reassured me that he took some time to see a therapist and get on the right tracks. We have been seeing eachother for a month and it's gone fanstatically.

Says he is going to pick me up from mine saturday night for a date. I am SO excited. Ends up blindsiding me entirely with 'people told me I seem happier without you', 'having you less in my life I have enjoyed' and says that right now, what he wants is to develop as a man independently.

The last thing he ever said to me was that he wants us to work and loves me so much.

Turns out months ago he also snogged another girl at a party and flirted with her afterward. Unbelievably painful.

Entirely blindsided, can't eat, can't sleep, everything reminds me of him. It's clear he doesn't want me and that he is therefore not my person, but I am terrified at the thought of others/him getting into a reationship/ never finding anybidy again.

Please could I have some positive advice/stories/pep talks? This is horrendous and the thought of him becoming a stranger and him having a life without me is killing me. He has desamated me. I was entirely convinced I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man.

'He has never been the most communicative, and I think I have experienced a lot of feeling as though he was never as into me as I was to him, never as invested, and never as obsessed as me.'

use it as a learning experience, you're young, don't make the same mistake again

Never stay with someone that isn’t into you as much as you are into them. You’re young, you’ll be fine and better to find out now than later when/if kids are involved. It’s hard but you will get over it in time.

I'm really sorry, break-ups can be so painful BUT you've had a lucky escape - even if it will take you years to fully realise it.

It's never a good idea to be with someone where it feels like you're more into them than they are in to you. Be with someone who is excited about building a future with you, whose eyes light up when they see you, who you never feel like you're second best, someone who has shared values about marriage, children, discipline, family, money etc.

You are young and he has done you a favour setting you free so you can find a person who truly adores you and makes you feel good.

Although it doesn’t feel like it now, you will look back non this and wonder how you ever thought you’d be with this man for life. Now you have the opportunity to find yourself in a relationship where you are both equally invested in each other and you'll get to see how lovely that feels.

For now, focus on self care, learn what this relationship was there to teach you, and look forward to the future you can have with a man who has finished growing up.

It’s hard OP but life will carry on and time will pass. And you will start to feel better. This was all him not you and you deserve better. Just look after yourself for now.

It's going to be hard as it's the end of a relationship that has been fairly long term and has seen you through the last of your teenage years and into growing into an adult. The advice can only be the classic one day at a time and you will gradually be able to move on. He's been (fairly) honest and in the long term that's the best for you.

First thing is:
Don't try and get him back and don't let him come back if 6 months down the line he realises what he has given up. It won't work and you'll end up in the same position in another 2 years. It will drain you and make you into someone you aren't and don't want to be.
Second thing is:
Accept it's going to be painful and you're going to be sad when you're doing something and it reminds you of a good time you had with him. It takes time to get over a long relationship, especially when you didn't want it to end. You have to accept this. It does get easier as people will tell you. And it does.
Best advice is to get out and do things and meet people. Easier said than done, but alot better than ruminating.

Last but not least. Don't try and analyse where you went wrong or why he feels like he does. This is not a pattern of failed relationships. It's one relationship from a young age that has run it's course.
At 25 you have a world of opportunities ahead of you. Put this one down to experience, don't look back, accept it will be tough for a while, and move forward to the next stage of your life.
Good luck

I'm really sorry, break-ups can be so painful BUT you've had a lucky escape - even if it will take you years to fully realise it.

This 💯

I had similar story back in the day... he's long gone and I look back now and know it was an unhealthy relationship and I'm forever grateful i didn't end up with him.

Heartbreak is such awful pain 😢. It's very hard to think clearly and see a way forward, keep your thoughts to the short term. Be kind to yourself, cry, journal, write a letter to him and burn it.
With every day that passes, the heart will heal. Don't ask others about him and avoid social media. You have a lot of thoughts to process, so take your time and slowly begin to find things that make you happy.
In time, you will come to realise that you weren't compatible. You are so young, which is great. I have friends that lost their childbearing years in the hope of commitment.
I know how it feels, please believe me that life will get better. Bigger and better things will come. Cross this bridge and a stronger person will emerge, I promise 100%

This happened to me years ago after six years together also. I didn’t think it at the time but it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me, i found out loads of stuff after that I didn’t know about, he wasn’t the person i thought he was. I am now happily married with two children and the relationship is lovely and so easy, i now realise how hard i had to work before to keep things good, it’s not worth it. You will find someone better and realise then this happened for a good reason.

You wont really realise it's the best outcome until you give yourself time to be happy on your own. You've been with him all your adult life so it makes sense you can't imagine doing life without him, but you absolutely can and you will!
Life can be hard work but the right partner eases the burden, rather than adds to it.

Let him go.

You can’t ever force someone to love you because you love them. It never works.

You are young, take a breath. The hurt will fade and one day you will reflect and realise he was never truly the one for you.

I also had a 6 year first love. He cheated -we got back together and then split for good. Hankered after him for years and then had the opportunity to get back together three years after the split. Realised it was all in my head and I’d moved on! You honestly sound like you’re just settling so block him and move on xx
trust me the best is yet to come. I kissed several frogs but ended up with my person