The sheer relief of finally ending it

[JamoandGinger]

I've just come on here to breathe a sigh of relief I think, poured myself a nice drink as per my username and share how I'm feeling.

I've been in a relationship that has been more off than on, as a lot of it was good, but a fair bit of it was oh so very wrong. Last week I reflected an awful lot and decided to bite the bullet for the very last time and be done with it. No more getting back together, trying again, only for me to end up terminally disappointed and unfulfilled in the areas where I really wasn't getting my needs met.

Where there wasn't a true physical match especially. Where I could feel his interest in other women, porn etc. was always there and was always bigger than his interest in me. His endless curiosity about his long gone ex whom he had on a bloody pedestal over 5 years after she ended it.

I've been a bit of a coward and I haven't done it face to face, as I really could not bear to see him again. This has played out for over a year now and I looked at myself in the mirror and asked did I want to be doing the same song and dance in 2027.... endlessly disappointed, on repeat.

Have I done the right thing? I wish I hadn't given it another try... I wish I'd left it... knew it wasn't going to work out last year.. maybe loneliness, some compounded and complicated grief, aimlessness and just wanting male energy around... wanting sex... which didn't happen... and that has been oh so very awful. So very, incredibly frustratingly awful.

So, raising a glass to myself and to him as well.... I was kind.... but made it clear why ... same old reasons... but also made it clear that this would be it. No more flogging the proverbial dead thing. Raising a glass to encourage anyone who reads this not to settle. If you know way deep down in your gut that you're in the wrong place, please don't stay there. Guilt can keep you there too. But honour yourself, what YOU need, never compromise your fundamental values, whatever they may be. And sexual compatibility is very important too. Let's not undervalue ourselves.

I will not ignore my gut again. It is finely tuned and it kept screaming. Loneliness is a pain in the ass. But nothing beats being single and the feeling of relief that you're free from the screaming intuition to leave the place you're in and be free to move forward and embrace the new.

Slainte!

Well done! Dont look back. Tomorrow is the dawn of a new chapter 🍷

And I forgot to add, a really good friend years ago told me this and I have never forgotten it: "Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated".

I too am trying drag myself away from a relationship that has no future. All the signs were there that he was really into me and possibly is, but for whatever reason he won't take it to the next stage. I'm sick of parading opportunities in front of him, but no we are still just friends. Maybe he's got a partner or even a wife but hasn't mentioned either and others don't seem to think he has.
Day after day he hugs me, pays me compliments but never asks me out. I need to go cold turkey and avoid him though that's difficult logistically as l am getting more and more into him every time l see him and it's just torturing myself.

Go you!!!

Please don’t call yourself a coward, you’ve been brave and you should hold your head up high.

Life is so damn short, never put up with someone who doesn’t cherish and respect you and make you feel confident in their love.

You’ve been bloody brave and done yourself a huge life favour.

And him.

Lonely can be filled with nice things, it’s surprisingly fulfilling.

Sorry Teresa90 that’s not a relationship. That’s a limerant crush you have. And it’s highly likely he does have a wife/girlfriend. I assume you see him at work and he’s simply taking advantage of your obvious ‘parading opportunities in front of him’, but only for a hug (grope?). Stop it. Have some self respect and avoid him. And find someone who’s worth your time. Good luck.

Well done OP, that takes some guts, you didn’t settle. Look to the future 🥂

Oh... and showing my age here, but I want someone to look at me the way Sean Dillon looks at Niamh in Ballykissangel... if anyone remembers that? And I won't settle for anything less!!

Well done OP, It's better to be single and on your own rather than being with someone who makes you feel lonely.

Thank you.

As a previous poster has already said, this does sound like limerence. I always say if a man really wants you, then you'll know about it. We can make all sorts of endless excuses for them, but the bottom line is, if he likes you, then you'll know. If he's single and interested, he'll ask you out. It could be he doesn't want to mix work life with his personal life and potentially cause a difficult situation.

Step back, breathe. I remember feeling like this about someone in an office situation 20 or so years ago. He'd make flirty comments about what sort of hair style would suit me, how I should wear red lipstick, we should go out for drinks one evening. We exchanged numbers and I got one flirty text and then nothing. At work, he acted as if nothing had happened. How embarrassing as I had to take part in small meetings and he was in all of them. I found out he was gay a few weeks later.

It's easy to read too much into another person's behaviour when we really fancy them. This stuff does get easier when you get a bit older, but telling you that doesn't help you much now. I've still had crazy crushes but they have been easier to manage somehow in my middle aged years, however, the relationship I just ended started out with a fair old dollop of limerence, it has to be said. I projected an awful lot of how I wanted him to actually be, if I'm honest. The raging hormones when you fancy someone can be really blinding and nature made us that way so we'll carry on the species. Discernment gets lost along the way.

Step back, breathe and do your best to not pay him as much attention. And stop with the hugs, Be more formal, more professional and set physical boundaries.

Updating on my decision. It still felt right when I woke up this morning, although there was a bit of sadness and feeling a little bit sorry for him, which is quite possibly also partly due to a slight hangover from last night 😂

I have definitely done the right thing and it's never easy when the other person really wants to continue, even if it is for their own incredibly selfish reasons. I know I was never his first choice and I never would be. The world feels lighter and more expansive today and I'm excited by the possibilities.

When things started getting more serious with him and as I was getting to know him much better, it all started to feel heavier. I felt heavy. I was always trying to be more attractive to him, be his type, look a certain way. Of course down that road lies madness. I'm back to me and looking in the mirror and seeing the beautiful, kind and lovely person that I am, both externally and internally and she's back. Can't really get much more confirmation than that!

I'm so glad you're happy with your decision. He might not have wanted it to end, but you know damn well just a glance from his ex would've had him dumping you tout suite.

Well done. Onwards and upwards. Very brave of you. Don’t take him back. No wobbles.

@JamoandGinger congratulations to you. Sounds like you made the right decision for you at the right time. Did the same myself about a year ago and zero regrets. I have felt sad and angry as well, but still felt 100% right that the relationship needed to come to an end. The relief is such a strong indicator that it was the right thing to do. I still feel relieved now and it is still feels just as liberating and wonderful!

Well done you @JamoandGinger

I have been in a bit of similar situation, and it also got to a point of no return, and I just felt "I just cannot do this anymore".

I think you also reached that point and you have done the absolute best thing for you by acting on it.

I think the older we get, our tolerance level for bullshit is so much thinner and all the things you listed above for wanting to be in relationship, don't matter than much after seeing what you seemingly have had to tolerate to get them.

Your friend is a wise one. Hang on to her! I was on a flight and was seated next to a very distinguished looking elderly lady. We got chatting and told a little to each other about ourselves. She was a widow and was flying to see her children. She told me that she loved her husband and they had had a good life, but she was also enjoying this new chapter of life being alone and doing exactly as she pleased. She asked where I was going, and I said to see the chap I was in a relationship with. At this point it was about 10 months in. I guess she could pick up from me that there was not a massive level of excitement from my side to be going there and she said to me "sometimes in life we think we want something, and then when you get it, you realise that wasn't the thing that you were looking for after all". And this stuck with me. It was just the conversation that I needed at the time. With a total stranger. I ended the relationship two months later (also after some deliberation) and I cannot tell you the weight that was lifted from my shoulders. So I really do get it OP.

I think of this lady so often. She will never know what that conversation did for me going forward in my life.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DbjJRuGNkpN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&stkn=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==

Well done... I did the same thing last December and haven't looked back.
This year has been the best year,
I've done so much , travelled to new places and am totally happy in my own skin without the baggage that didn't cherish me. This graffiti was what inspired me about 6 months previous.

OP what a brilliant saying, Go where you are celebrated not tolerated.

Glad you found your worth, glad you are out of this rut. You know he will be attempting to see if he can reel you in with his old tactics that use to work on you, but they are never going to be sincere, and he will be using the same tactic on every female too, and will find himself in this rut probably for ever.

Not your issue to cater for him or "teach him to see your worth, he knew it all along, but hoped you would not mind him lowering your standards. More men like this so get prepared to meet his likes, so stick to you till you find someone on parr with you, who will add to your life, not drag it down.

I love this!

I came back home just itching to post a quote I saw on a fella who was walking into town in front of me and on the back of his jacket was "New adventures, this way" followed by an arrow. That may have not been the exact wording, but you get my drift.

I thought, yep, thanks Universe.

I've just registered on a Fitness Singles website as well. Go me!!!

Thanks.

His tactics won't work anymore. I know that way lies disappointment in bucket loads.

I know his routine so I can avoid him as best I can, but if I do run into him, I'll be civil. But no more getting together for a few drinks and then off we go again. The last time that happened, he said "oh, I knew we'd get back together again". So bloody arrogant and entitled.

When I think of him now I see a dishonest man with many faces.

I'm finally, finally done.

And interestingly, he hasn't acknowledged or responded to my message ending it. But then I did say that there's really nothing left to say.

I registered on Fitness Singles and found the complete opposite on there!!

Oh dear... well I haven't tried online dating in what feels like forever, like over 15 years now, but nothing ventured.

Got a couple of messages waiting for me already but can't read them until I pay to subscribe. We shall see... I put a fairly average photo up there as well, it is a humorous one though. Really not expecting anything much, but meeting new people is really what I need to be doing.

Maybe there needs to be a cake scoffing singles site... that might work better for me right now 😂

Yes... l paid....and it was completely pointless for me. No-one in my area. Messages were Ai generated.