Long apologetic email from ex then nothing

[SparkleRoses]

Some advice please. My ex hasn’t seen our children in 3 years, he stopped because I would no longer allow contact in my house, I told him he could take them to his or take them
Out but he didn’t want to so he just stopped coming, he was having £7 week maintenance taken out of his benefits for them. In may he got back in contact with a really long email saying how sorry he was for the way he treated them and that he should not have stopped seeing them, I responded and he said he wants to pay maintenance every month and he will pay it every month and if he can’t he will contact me in advance to explain why. He did this for 4 months then just randomly stopped, I haven’t heard from him since either. This was nearly 3 months ago now and he hasn’t paid since or been in contact. Would you say anything? I think it’s best if I just leave it but wondered what others think. (Btw he is earning an income but not declaring it thats how he could afford to send extra he is not relying solely on benefits) I don’t need the money and don’t rely on it it isn’t about the money I am more wondering if he should get away with thinking this is ok or not, and what happens if he contacts again in another few months or a year with more excuses?

He won't care whether you think it's OK or not, he's a waster so don't waste your breath/typing fingers! Did he see the children recently?

No we did not get that far

He’s a dodgy fuck working cash in hand, I’d not be looking for money where it won’t come from, as this does seem more about the money than the kids

If you don't need the money and you don't really want the dc to have contact with him, then maybe just ignore him?

Also, I'd be inclined to report him to HMRC for tax fraud. You can do that anonymously.

I would just keep a log of all his crapness. Sounds like he cares about seeing them or paying for them on a cyclical basis and then he just goes off the boil again. I would just keep all the receipts ready for the next time he decides to grow a conscience for a day or two. I wouldn’t reach out in the meantime and I wouldn’t give him another thought, because he adds nothing but uncertainty.

In what way does it seem more about the money? I have accepted £7 a week for a decade despite knowing he earns on the side I have always just left it, I am more interested in why he made a big declaration admitting how awful he had been then nothing… the money was him showing he had changed and wanting to be consistent (he said) so how am I more interested in money? I’ve never reported him or tried to get more out of him and I have never asked him for money

Contact cms and advise hes working cash in hand

I won’t be reporting it

Could he be going through the AA 12 step process? I think at some stage they're encourgaed to apologise for their wrongs.

Sorry you've had all the responsibility on your shoulders for so long.

Wasn’t an addict when we were together of any kind but obviously can’t be sure now since we haven’t been together for years

Just leave it - no point chasing him when he clearly couldn’t give a fuck.

Wasn’t planning to chase just wanted to say something as he is never held accountable for his actions

He's a flake about everything and you don't need him in your lives. To not have seen his children in this long is unforgivable imo. I wouldn't make contact with him.

Don't make it your job to hold him accountable. Leave that to the universe or karma or something.

Just leave it and forget him as much as you possibly can.

I would try and ignore him for the time being. In order to see the kids etc, he is a long long way off ever gaining your trust on reliability and being sorted enough to be allowed in their lives. It's not fair for them to be let down by flaky dads, esp if they get their hopes up, so best to ignore him.

Sounds like you've been doing well on your own. Sorry OP though, for all of it.

My guess is that something was going on in his life at the time that prompted this brief rush of responsibility and accountability, but that it wasn't real. Most likely a new girlfriend or similar.

He wouldn’t get in contact if he had a new girlfriend that would mean he would be far less likely to contact

A lot of these men suddenly become amazing dads when there is a new woman around because they want to present themselves as this amazing, hands on dad. It never lasts though

I know him and he isn’t like that, he told me he doesn’t tell women he has children (which I believe) so I really doubt he even tells women about them. I also think if he had a new woman around he wouldn’t have time for the kids. Hes the type that would be the opposite

100%.My X was so keen to impress a new girlfriend,he got our sons' names tattoed on his arms...but called me to check the SPELLING and correct DOB.

They aren't even called anything remotely exotic or fiddly 🤣Boys were both most perplexed when they did eventually see him next.

I wouldn't waste another thought on him. Who knows or cares what was behind his actions? It's difficult as a mother to put yourself into the mind and shoes of someone that can have children of their own and yet feel no responsibility to see them, raise them or financially ensure they are adequately fed and clothed.

It's a bit like wondering what the hamster is thinking about.

You can't hold people like this accountable. Even if you fire back an email with both barrels letting him know EXACTLY how appalling his behaviour is, he'll just shrug, make excuses in his own head, and forget about it. He won't seriously weigh up whether you are actually correct.

Might as well try and hold the hamster accountable.

I think it can go both ways, I know just as much men that stop seeing their children when they have a new girlfriend.

But if he contacts me again im expected to respond again like it’s ok to keep doing it?

Well, he didn't see the children or ask to see them it sounds like? So it comes down to the money. If and when he gets in touch and wants to pay, great, accept th money.

if he gets in touch and wants to be hangin gout with the kids, I'd be a lot more cautious.

He said he would like to see them again in the first email, but it never got that far. (I wouldn’t have just arranged contact straight away afyer 3 years absence)