How long did it take to adjust to living alone?

[TheMrsCampbellBlack]

Hi all, just wondering how long it takes to sort of settle into a newly single life? For context I was married for 28 years, now separated and house on the market in 2 weeks, and I will be moving out on my own. This will be my first time living alone at 54 and I have to say I'm a bit nervous. It feels scary having no one to rely on or ask for a hand with things or just someone to talk to when you get home every night. So for those who have been where I am now, did you find you settled into a new routine easily or did it take a long time? I am an only child and only have 1 child too and my mother is terminally ill so I don't have a lot of family and most friends are married/live miles away. Its all just feeling a bit sad and empty atm.

If it's your first time living alone, it may take a while to adjust. Everyone's different though, so other people's timescales aren't much of a guide.

I love it. There are pros and cons of course, but there are pros and cons to any living arrangement.

Sounds challenging. Are you staying in the same area? Any potential for moving to a different part of the country, closer to friends, your child or your mum? There are pleasures to living alone, but can take some getting used to.Maybe join some clubs/evening classes?

While others will speak about the adjustment, I lived alone for 12 years before meeting my husband. Here are a few tips:
-I found it really helped to fill the time with clubs, activities and learning. A couple of weeknight activities really helped and Sunday was a long day - some single ladies in my town created a brunch club where we went to a different brunch spot at around 11 am or noon each Sunday and it actually transformed my life.
-Say yes to all invitations, you can always leave early pleading a migraine if it’s really grim.
-When you’re in the house, having the radio or TV on makes it significantly less quiet and lonely. I watched the news a lot because it gives structure and fills the time.
-Gardening, even a few pots if you only have a balcony, is very therapeutic and again provides a bit of structure and time filler.
-on practical matters, it will be loads easier nowadays since you can just type every query into AI.

All the best - I do think you need to “manage” time alone to avoid feeling low in a way that’s a bit different from when you live with someone else.

I am in a similar situation - with DH for 30 years now separated and going to be living by myself before the end of the year.
It'll be strange, for sure.

It'll take a while, but then you will thrive.

I separating from my husband of 33yrs in March last year. I have never lived alone as I got married at 18, so I went straight from my parents into married life.

I remember the moving day, and the whole thing felt so overwhelming, but also exciting. My parents were there helping which was wonderful. Then, around 6pm they went home .... and for the first time in my life I was in a strange house and on my own, and honestly ... I sat on the sofa and burst into tears. It felt so alien.

Now I have a new partner, and he stays over at my house Monday to Friday often, and you know what .... I look forward to him going home 😂 I love him being around and I love the company, but there really is nothing nicer than having the house to yourself, a mug of tea in your hand, a packet of biscuits and a good box set on the telly - with no one else asking if they can watch the MotoGP or questioning why I love Big Brother. It's liberating.

Edited to say, I also found that I excel at flat pack building. I built a coffee table, two desks and two desk chairs, and I have no idea why I hadn't done it before. It's like a jigsaw puzzle with allen keys.

Shockingly quickly! I remember buying some furniture I had previously been told wouldn't go so wasn't allowed and that consolidated it for me!

I absolutely love living alone and much prefer it tbh. You might surprise yourself and love it too?!

Have you considered pets?

I separated after 33 years of marriage. I absolutely love living alone and settled straight away . The relief of not having to pander to my X, not having to cook if I don't want to, go out when I want was wonderful . I could never be in a relationship again !

I was unhappily married, so I actually loved it when we split and I was able to buy my own small house. Some of the things I absolutely loved

• things left where I had put them
• house staying lovely and fresh and clean all the time
• being able to choose TV programmes, or not watch at all
• eating what and when I wanted
• having loud chatty phone calls with friends whenever I liked without someone eavesdropping
• stretching out in my clean bed all night without a snoring, stinking presence constricting me
• Opening my own front door and walking into peace and quiet, no one else's nasty mood there to 'welcome' me
• feeling of safety and tranquility - no one can ruin my day
• going out and coming back when I please
• buying what I want (within budget) without someone else sneering at all my choices

I'm sure there's more but you get the idea. I think it was the overwhelming peace that was the most noticeable, I felt like I was walking on air. Good luck and be sure to decorate your home just the way you want.

edited to add, I found a local handyman for small jobs that I couldn't do myself, and I also taught myself how to do basic painting and decorating through Youtube tutorials.

I would definitely consider getting a pet. I'm an animal lover so maybe this is not for you. A dog would be my choice as it really takes up a lot of your time and feels like a real presence in your house. Otherwise a cat or Guinea pigs are lovely pets. Gives you a real purpose and structure to your day.
Do you still work op or are you retired?

When I first lived on my own, I went out ALL the time. I think you need to spend time at home on your own (within reason) and find ways to spend an evening without getting bored, rather than lonely. It’s a cliché but the television and internet both help. I imagine being able to knit or have some kind of “lap hobby” would help. This was when I started having the World Service on all night, I still don’t like sleeping in total silence but now it’s audiobooks. I don’t live on my own now but with DD who works shifts. I found having a cat helpful too. You do have to learn to deal with every household issue and make decisions. Sometimes I get them wrong but at least I learn from that.

No time at all. The relief of not having misery guts 'I don't know if I want to be with her or you' hanging around all the time and wondering what nasty he was going to spring on me this time was unbelievable.

I do think it depends a lot on your personality, I really enjoy my own company and actually look forward to time on my own but I know friends who are very social and find being on their own for long periods very difficult

See, I liked cooking for DH, and I never had to pander to him.
Unfortunately, he didn't feel the same way...

I build those things now when my dh is at work, not having him stealing the DIY spotlight. It is easy when they're numbered parts and rhe Allen key too I think definitely helps!
Op I haven't lived on my own, but I watched my Mum do it from in her 50s, she now says she loves her own space and would never have a man live with her again. She goes to classes and makes friends through those, has hobbies such as gardening and craft. I also noticed she is overall happier. This could end up being a refreshing new chapter for you. 💐

for me being lonely is the hardest of all. i live rural area with no transport but slowly i am finding ways of solving this. Though mostly housebound i am finding a lot of phone befriending services and email friends which are gradually turning into real friendships.
as i was leaving an abusive relationship being alone was a huge feeling of relief. there are a lot of good points to being on your own which out way any bad ones which can be overcome.
being able to eat what you like when you like. no its 5 so time for evening meal. I bought a small air fryer and if i want to eat at 4 or 7 up to me.
i kept the double bed and now its my favourite place. i can stretch out in the bed eat if i want to go to sleep if i want to use my phone etc
i had a mega sort out and got rid of so much i hated and gradually am replacing the furniture to more of my taste same with decorating etc i am making my home more my taste
i am lucky i have my dog if you have a dog then it makes you get up in the morning, if you can walk ok then a nice walk meeting people, its someone or something to care about feed and love

Took about 4 years for me. Lived together 37 years but I divorced after him after discovering his infidelity and double life.

I can ditto many of the things other posters have written but it's the small ones that I really love now I'm used to them.

No more being the domestic drudge. Somehow we'd got to a stage whereby I did absolutely everything housework/cooking wise. I always worked F/T and we had 2 kids yet for some reason I had defaulted to being the domestic servant to everyone. I realised he'd never cleaned a bathroom during the entire 37 years together!

An example would be we'd 'do' house things together in a Saturday afternoon. So I'd get to deep clean the cooker (ugh) whilst he had the gruelling chore of jet washing the patio. I've now discovered that jet washing anything is actually quite fun, especially on a sunny day 😂.

I went out a lot the first three years, friends, hobbies, drinks etc and learnt very quickly to enjoy the silence of my home. He used to always have the tv on (whether watching it or not) and it used to really irritate me.

I absolutely love living solo now and will never share my home again. I've been in a LDR for nearly 4 years and I visit his country (a beautiful warm one!) every 5-6 weeks for 10 days of loveliness and he's been over here a few times but after a week I just want my own space back.

I'm lucky as have a very solid group of female friends so if I ever feel the need for a some real life company to chat I can always meet up.

Took me about 9 months

We separated after 25 years and like a PP I went straight from living with my parents to being married so didn’t know what living by myself would be like

I was looking forward to it but found it harder than I expected. I was still working which helped but I struggled coming home to an empty flat. I’d often go out for a walk in the evening just to get out

It was the small talk I missed. Watching TV discussing a whodunnit and who we thought did it etc etc. Also everyone suddenly seemed to be a couple. It passed, though. I had good friends and started going out more and now I would never live with anyone again
although I am in a lovely relationship. Fortunately she feels the same

I got a couple of cats which definitely helped and am now on my sixth moggie!

Living alone is marvelous. It's the first time I am living alone and I love every second of it. I am re-decorating my entire house and haven't yet needed any help with practical tasks - I've done demolition, plastering, painting, woodwork all with the help of YouTube and chats with the staff at the local DIY store.
I fill my days with activities I enjoy. I can't remember the last time I cooked a proper meal. I joined local clubs and see people all the time.
My boyfriend comes over a couple of times a week and I can't wait to get rid of him in the morning!

I'm just over a year in. At first it was so hard and I was in a terrible place grieving the loss of my marriage, the future I thought I would have etc.

I second having the radio on (I rarely have the TV on because ex had it on all the time) from morning to night.

Be kind to yourself. Focus on eating well and sleeping well.

It takes time to adjust but there are lots of positives. I made a policy decision that for the first six months I would accept any invitation. I went to some fairly awful events, but it did get me out of the house. If you are moving to a new area, then I second the advice to join some groups or clubs to meet people, but if you’re staying in a place that you know you probably already have friends and activities that you do. You will find you have more free time though, so perhaps it’s a chance to take up something you didn’t do before?

My sister once challenged me that I was ‘always out and never at home’ and I pointed out that if I didn’t go out, I would be alone almost all the time; if she’s at home her husband is usually there. I really enjoy my own company but weekends can seem long, especially at first. It’s a good idea to build in some activities or meetings, otherwise I found I could go from Friday night to Monday morning without speaking to anyone.

One final thought; people can react strangely to separation and divorce. I was lucky to have good friends, but they weren’t the ones that I’d expected. Don’t be surprised if some of your ‘joint’ friends lose touch, there will be others who are there for you.

The bits I find hardest are dealing with stuff breaking down, making decisions about getting work done, dealing with tradesmen and so on. But then I reflect that I would probably have been doing this anyway because his job was so much more important and difficult than mine (it wasn’t!).

I remember the first time I realised I didn't have to lock the bathroom door (now it's hard to remember to do so when there's someone else in the house!)

Look at the good sides only. Your decor, your meal choices, don’t want to cook. No big deal. First night I sobbed, and for the first few single months, after over 30 years of being married, I lived off cheese and crisps… didn’t even put on any weight (and wine)…
now I’m very « good » healthy meals , water. Still some meals I can’t eat, because they were requested repeatedly. But could I live with someone again? Very much doubt it. No stress. Enjoy.

When my f died, my mother started life living alone aged 69. It took her maybe a month to be completely relaxed.

She started going on coach holidays on her own, trying new recipes, joined clubs and a ladies darts team, put more thought into how she dressed.

Thanks all I really appreciate your responses and hearing all the positives to look forward to. I do have 2 cats, brothers, who will come with me so I won't be entirely alone. I am moving back to the inner city from somewhere quite suburban because he is staying in that area and I do not want to feel like I could run into him with one of his new women when I go to the pub or the shops etc. I will definitely be joining a new gym and pool to get some regular exercise and I am looking forward to curating my new space and digging into all my pinterest boards I've saved. Thanks again all for the conversation, really appreciate it.