Online dating - am I doing it wrong? Advice please.

[backlitcircles]

I’m very new to the world of OLD. I’ve been unattached for quite a few years now and managed to gain quite a lot of weight. I lost my confidence completely. Over the last 15 months I’ve lost 4 stone, I’m feeling like ‘me’ again and have now registered with a few different apps - Hinge, Match and two others that are faith-related as faith is important to me.

ANYWAY, I’ve got a good range of photos (face, body etc), have answered the questions lightly (without giving too much info away) and asked two friends to give feedback - they think it’s all looking good. I’m 50, professional career, attractive (or that’s what I’m told) and so far I’ve had about 100 ‘likes’ but no matches. Granted, it’s only been 48 hours though!

I’ve had two weird messages - one from a bloke who worked out we must be in the same town and messaged me at 10pm to tell me he was home alone and did I want to ‘go round’. Another message from someone 15 years younger pleading with me to message him as he had a very urgent business proposal to share with me. The ‘likes’ are coming from a mix of characters - some with hideous blurry pictures circa 1989, some 15 years younger, some 15 years older.

I’ve changed my preferences and switched off all the notifications so I can just check when I want to but am I doing this wrong? Are all the sites like this? How on earth does anyone actually meet someone?

There are weirdos out there! Just be aware and don’t engage with them. Even people who seem normal will suddenly disappear or be inappropriate. Don’t overly invest in anyone via messaging. Good luck!

You are overthinking a little. It's been only 48 hours. It's normal to get loads of likes, as it's an easy step without messaging. You can't see those likes unless you are a paid member. In some apps, 2-3 likes are revealed per day. It's a game of swiping. If you have swiped right on many profiles, eventually you will match with a few. That could lead to nothing or a conversation. Even a chat could be boring/dead or engaging. You have to give it time and be patient because you will likely attract men across age groups. There's nothing wrong with that. Just engage with who you want.

Thanks! Agreed - I’m definitely over thinking. 😂 I’ve moved the apps off my phone Home Screen and will look less frequently.

Plenty of weird men on dating apps. Just part of it unfortunately. Just ignore and block the weird ones, and report any really inappropriate ones. You really have to wade through a lot of shit to find the gems, but there are some out there, so stick with it. I know plenty of people in successful relationships who’ve met OLD

Online dating will involve encountering and blocking lots of weirdos, chats/matches which won’t go anywhere etc etc. I know this sounds negative but online dating isn’t generally a fun experience for many people.

So you got 100 likes in 2 days, and you didn't like the look of any of them?

I'm very wary of OLD (I really don't think it's healthy to spend any great amount of time on there), and there are probably a few ways to do it, but what I normally do is pay for one of the apps and set it up so my profile's hidden and then I just send one or two likes at a time, then give it a day or two to see if we match, and go from there.

Lots of the more desperate men like everyone so that they increase their chances of literally anyone matching with them. Women tend to be much more picky about who they like. So having lots of likes and few matches is normal. It’s a waiting game and luck.

Don’t take any notice of the likes. Many men swipe on everyone then only actually look at the profile if they get a match.

I really recommend the Burn the Haystack Dating group of FB for anyone venturing into OLD. Will save you a lot of time and frustration.

Yes but I hadn’t set up my filters so I had a lot of men either 15-20 years younger or older and neither of those really work for me. I think I’ve got it set up properly now.

Ohh, I see. Yeah, they can be a bit fiddly. Hopefully with them a bit tighter you get better ones.

100 likes a day - bugger me - try being a person with a penis on OLD - was lucky to get 2 likes a day - it’s depressing to the point of being worthless - but yes meeting people is (almost) impossible

I second this, Burned Haystacks Dating Method on FB, it's free and the author has also now written a book. She's a 50 something woman herself and was horrified by the apps, so she's used her work as a rhetorical scholar to help you 'burn the haystack' down (get rid of 95% of the men on apps) to find the few needles who are worth going forward with. In the case of any inappropriate suggestions or mention of sex, that would be an automatic block, and she recommends you properly block them, as in remove them from your pool, so they don't get thrown back around by the algorithm; this forces it to suggest better matches from other sources.

It worked for me, I wouldn't recommend over 50 dating for women without it as it's a bit of a cesspit.

I did dating apps on and off for over a year. I only went on about 4 dates though and then I saw my now husbands photo and knew he was the one and I was going to end up with him. (Cringe I know.)

Have patience, don’t lower your standards and don’t spend weeks chatting. Get a casual coffee booked in for the following week to see if there’s anything real.

I'm also new to it, but a bloke & as mentioned above we don't get
that amount of likes! I think you'd need to be Brad Pitt for 100 a day. I'm happy enough with my hit rate tho tbh.

I only chose only one app tho & not one you've mentioned, Bumble, multiple platforms wouldn't work for me.

A male friend of mine in his sixties found someone great on Bumble and I also used it. That and Hinge were the least worst, I found a couple of dates that were pretty good on each. Women do get lots of likes compared with men, but only a small proportion end up in a date, a lot chat, a few want something not available from me on Bumble and only a few are mature, available and ready to date but they are on there!

I met my now husband through online dating on a free app. Before I got chatting to him, I was inundated with messages from weirdos. Ignore or block people when appropriate and the best advice I can give is to be patient as there will be some good ones. Good luck!

I was just coming on to start a thread like this! I'm a few weeks in and had similar to you OP in the first couple of days...Match just goes bonkers I think to start with and sells you everywhere 😁 I had so many from France it was bizaar!! But it did calm down after a couple of days. I now get a few likes each day which is a lot more manageable!

And I wondered too what the experience was like from the male perspective! In terms of numbers of likes etc and also quality of applicants for 50 somethings!!

the male experience is pretty much the opposite of the female experience, most female profiles are okay, some are better than others - some are rubbish tbh.

you get a lot less “ likes” - but weirdly I got some from absolutely miles away from my location- you end up sending messages and getting few replies and that’s a bit soul destroying really - but I found getting actual dates pretty straight forward - but always had to do the asking- women never suggested of offered dates.

I had a few dates, I liked some more than they liked me and vice versa - on one particular date the women talked for almost an hour about how awful her exHusband was , that one was memorable- I did meet someone almost a year ago now and so far so good

My friend always uses the paid version of the apps to filter more easily because you can see your likes. Granted she is an ex model and got 1500+ likes in two days so she can be very picky but it helped her easily filter out weird people.

Are you male or female?

There is a chap who just said above they are very different experiences. I'd totally agree, the lady who said her friend had 1500 likes in 2 days! Lordy!

So as a dad new to it & I only have Bumble as my reference, I have a 45-55 filter (tho it will go a few yrs either side sometimes) there is a huge huge variety. From amazing slim beautiful ex model type, to err how do I say this kindly on a female dominated forum! Well, the exact opposite! I would assume the women would say & see the same in that aspect?

Basically every type of women imaginable. There are filters on many things, so you could slim that down a bit if you wanted. Personally I haven't. Love & connection to me isn't something that height or education or hobbies or race or religion could dictate.

We all have our 'types' and preferences but in my views the women on there in the main in my opinion look great. In the realms of an attractive women getting 1500 likes on a couple of days tho, it's no wonder average looking chaps get disheartened with it, they won't get a response.

I've seen in here many times men will try & punch well above their weight in terms of relative attractiveness, & don't 'stay in their lane' I think that's true.

From my view that's a difficult one to judge yourself & yes I probably do it too, particularly if your ex was gorgeous. However of you met them in the real world where you can make them laugh & attraction grows over time vs a few pics & a short bio it's very different. You also forget you were 30 back then & 20 yrs has passed!

I think women don't have quite the same view of themselves & will put their idea of their own looks & attractiveness down rather than up.

I've no complaints really after my 2 week test drive. Not millions of 'likes' but enough, ok mostly not what I'm after, but a handful I am & a couple of dates so far, one I'm definitely seeing again she's great & liked me 1st.
I possibly wouldn't have clicked like on hers. I'd have missed out, lovely person.

OLD wouldn't be for me long term, I think its a pretty toxic & emotionally damaging place. Maybe a bit like Las Vegas, fine for a short visit, wouldn't want to live there.

My tip would be- kindness cost nothing, dont be a dick, that person isn't for you? Fine don't be rude, don't ghost, don't make them feel like shit, be a decent respectable human about it, it's not difficult.

Thanks @AtBeaverGoat! And congrats on finding someone! There is hope 😁

I saw a thing on Facebook recently showing that the pool for men and women in terms of attractiveness is very different. Men apparently have a much larger pool because they will match "downwards" in terms of attractiveness...so if a bloke categories himself as a 7/10 across looks/character/social status etc he will likely look at a pool of 7s to 3s/10 (or something like that!). Whereas a woman who considers herself a 7, is likely to only look at 6s -9s, so has a smaller pool to choose from! I can't remember the actual rule of thumb was though but kind of got the principle! But it means more attractive men have bigger pools than equally attractive women...but seems that's a woman's choice!

Not sure what I make of that really, but it was an interesting perspective!

Ah crossed posts with you!
I am female but I did wonder what the pool looked like from the other side! For me, there seems to be very few profiles I'd choose from. Interestingly the only matches I've had are from those who've liked me first...so that feels a little odd too!

And totally agree with not being a dick!

Are the faith related ones Christian?

I sort of agree and disagree at the same time, attraction is important to everyone, but I think men are more relaxed about other things, a woman’s height, career , income, social status are less important to men I think, if a man likes a woman then it doesn’t matter if she is a barrister or a barista- he likes her- so from that POV it might give men a bigger pool to pick from

whereas maybe women might look for other traits such as height, job and income and rank those over attractiveness so maybe women artificially reduce their own “pool” if you like