I’m pathetic i know. But what do I do?

[gloriousday34]

I’m an emotional woman. I’ve always been sensitive and always had a bigger heart than I care to admit. 3 years ago my ex cheated on me we were together 7 years and he ended it all over a text that said im not feeling great. Then blocked me. I drove to his. He didn’t even speak to me. Long story short. I changed completely. It felt like my world shattered overnight. I grieved and grieved in our home like a broken woman and had to get my parents to pick me up off the floor to eat some nights because I was so broken and damaged. I’m welling up just typing this.
3 years on, things haven’t been easy dating wise. I’ve always met men who look externally and just think yeah sex will do. It hurts me because im worth more than just that.
Now, I’ve met a man at my gym. He’s so handsome. The first time we spoke I remember I walked past him and held eye contact with him for a second too long and he ran straight behind me to ask for my number. But suddenly everything became about sex when we spoke so I pushed him away for 5 months. 2 days ago we were at the gym. Both in the sauna. Had a long 1 hour chat about life in general and work etc. He waited for me after. Walked me to my car and we kissed. We then proceeded to make out like teenagers for an hour. Couldn’t have sex whacshe im on my period. But if I wasn’t it would have happened. I’m glad the barrier was there because if it wasn’t I may have made a fatal mistake.
I force myself not to think about him and block it out. But I can’t get him out my head. Ive started going to the gym in the morning so I don’t see him. I just feel pathetic. Why do I only attract these men. Yes I know I said things but in the moment. We all do. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I kissed him but sometimes I just get swept in a moment
i feel pathetic

It hurts me because im worth more than just that.

So only accept more than that. It's not a case of "why do I only attract these men", every woman attracts those kinds of men. You just have to be selective in which ones you choose. If a man makes it clear he just wants sex and you give it to him, then that is what you are allowing.

What you allow is what will continue. So, only allow what you want to happen.

I blocked him everywhere deleted him off everything ignored him for 5 months even any advances he tried but I gave in ans feel stupid for doing it. I’m normally stronger than this. I also like him a bit and what annoys me is that even when we talk families, hopes and dreams and aspirations. It still means nothing ans he still won’t care about me. I have that

Sorry!? Why do we assume he’s to be avoided - a 1 hr heart to heart in the sauna? Sounds like he was engaged, interested and keen to get to know you - maybe he deserves a little more of a chance to get to know you rather than you assume he’s bad news?

He said “I gotta be direct I am looking for sex” im not sure he’s bothered to listen but did it anyway because he may have got lucky

To him you’re probably just a girl/woman at the gym. Pass some time flirting with. A gym flirt is a great was to get motivated to go to the gym!!
Let it cool off as you are doing.
If you decide you’d like to, once you’ve cooled off, you could ask him if he’d like to go out (for a meal or a walk or whatever) but be clear it’s not a hook up situation and act accordingly.

I get how you're feeling, I was in that place for years. From that I grew an armour, and that armour is my boundaries. I will not tolerate men who think they can sweet talk me into bed, if it becomes clear that's all they're interested in then they get cut off.

I think perhaps take a small break from dating to work on your self-esteem. You've been through a horrific time and it has really impacted you, you need time to love yourself. Do not call yourself pathetic, because you are not. Humans are emotional creatures and crave love and comfort, it's the first thing we know. Being lonely does not equate to being pathetic.

(Cringe incoming, but it's true) to be a bad bitch, you have to think like a bad bitch. Im not talking appearance, im talking mindset, attitude, confidence, principles. Treat yourself like a goddess because you are one. Who does that man think he is treating a goddess like a disposable napkin? No no no. We don't do that here. We only accept the best because it's what we deserve.

Take some time to love you. Delve into your hobbies, stick at the gym, have a spa day, spend time with friends and family talking, doing fun things. Write a journal of how you feel daily (this helped me a lot). Get a therapist if you havent already (theyre often wonderful). Do what you need to do to feel like you again. You can't be truly loved if you dont love yourself and I think thats the underlying issue here. Once you know your worth, then start considering men again. You will feel confident, brave, capable. You will be intolerant to scraps of affection from them because you know you deserve better.

From now on, no more insulting yourself, no more seeking external validation from men. You are you, you are brilliant, you are worthy of love and affection. Give some to yourself for a change ❤️

Ive told him so many times I’ll end up falling for him. Not because I want to but because biology is stacked against me. Still no bother

It sounds like you need to take a break from dating and work on yourself. Look into some counselling to address what you've written here. Low self esteem and trauma from past relationships needs to be worked through if you're going to start making healthier choices for yourself. You're worth more than a man who's just looking for sex.

Have you posted this before ?

At least he’s honest i suppose, he’s probably got a wife at home, i would avoid him because if he does then you will be polishing his ego and facilitating his cheating ways and, worse case scenario you fall pregnant, what then?

Why would you tell a man you are going to fall for him?

You are literally telling him that you are weak and vulnerable and giving him the power to hurt you. Be more reserved in future.

Please work on your self esteem. You are worthy of love and respect.

I have no idea what this is about? Nor @worldshottestmom comments! You fancy him or not? Do you want to shag him or not? Why is he a bad guy for being honest?

You barely know the guy (sounds like you’ve never met outside the gym?) and you’ve told him ‘many times’ you’ll end up falling for him?

I’m genuinely sorry you’ve been through a tough time, but I don’t think this is on him. He’s been upfront that he’s not looking for a relationship and even told you he just wants sex. A one-hour chat in a sauna doesn’t count as leading you on.

Agree with pp that you’re better off staying away from any potential romances until you’re feeling a lot stronger in yourself.

I didn’t say that directly. I said personally if I sleep with someone I like to have more of a bond with them and usually sex and emotions go hand in hand so casual won’t work

What do you have in your life that gives you purpose and validation?

For you. Not for everyone. You're just a FWB at very best to him. Probably not even the F part of ir.

You don't have to say but I'm wondering how old you are, OP.

You do sound vulnerable. It also sounds like you dramatise your feelings a bit as if you assume everyone else is breezing through life without any setbacks. Many of us (probably most of us) have experienced a broken heart and found the pain very hard at first. A lot of people have felt like their world shattered overnight and felt appalling in the immediate aftermath. So I think your strong initial reaction to that was unsurprising.

And as another poster has said, most women encounter men who are only interested in sex and many of us find it hard to have casual sex because we become attached through the act of sex.

It reads a bit as if you have your feelings but you also attach a lot of drama to your feelings. You remind me a bit of my younger self. I used to talk about my feelings having me rather than me having my feelings. I was probably in my 30s when I started to learn how to have my feelings rather than my feelings having me. Therapy helped and I did quite a lot of self help reading at the time. I wonder if that might help you also.

I personally don’t think it’s dramatic. As a woman with Autism and adhd that masks really well yoh wouldn’t know but it’s hard for me to cope with emotions. Either I ignore and have outbursts or cry or i don’t manage them. Therapy doesn’t help me.

You're giving mixed messages on here so I suspect you are to yourself and other people.

No one needs a man..

Reads to me like you rushed back into dating before you were ready - it doesn’t matter how many years it matters when you are ready

Honestly and I mean this politely, the men are not the issue here, making out with strangers in the gym for an hour and wanting to have sex with them is. You need your own boundaries in place, doing that then complaining the men are the issue, isn’t ok,

Then don’t make out with strangers at the gym,

Please don’t tell men things like this. The majority are chancers and will use it against you.

You do need to be more cynical. Most men are not going to give you what you want from them- I know that sounds harsh but it isn’t about you personally. Lots of men are entirely sex led.

If you have ADHD and autism I’d recommend writing a diary on a laptop or something with all your feelings every night. Go out for a run when you’re feeling overwhelmed or even a brisk walk. Listen to some crazy music.

Change your gym to avoid this person. You’re giving out a needy vibe. You might meet a wonderful man who will care for you, but there are so many men who will just take advantage of you. I think you know how to spot the difference.

Get a pet if you feel lonely. Avoid your usual gym boy type.

But you also have to accept if you’re meeting men and immediately getting physical, they are going to assume you’re up for casual sex. Now - I see nothing wrong with this if both parties are up for it but it seems you aren’t - so I do have to wonder why you would be kissing someone you don’t know in a sauna if you aren’t 😅