Partner upset me after I said no to sex, need advice

[Jessijanee19]

not been feeling myself recently.. both mentally and physically. Iv been distant to my partner and just not felt sexual at all. Like Iv gone off it all together? At some point this will put a strain on our relationship and that’s last thing I want. This morning he really really upset me… he tried to get me in the mood before work but I obviously didn’t want to so because I said no he jumped up said il go have a tug myself it will be quieter and lets it at that. Meanwhile I’m upstairs thinking I shouldn’t feel like I HAVE TO. Should I 😑 it’s like I’m saying to myself you’re just going to have to to save the arguements and horrible remarks. What’s everyone’s intake on this please? I don’t want any judgement. I’m genuinely wanting advice. It’s upset me for the day with what he said…

No, you absolutely should not have to have sex to keep the peace.
Are you looking after yourself, seen the GP about your symptoms?

There is a word for having sec with someone who does not want to.

Of course you shouldn't have to have sex if you don't want to, but he upset you because he said he would sort himself out?

You say that at some point it will put a strain on your relationship, it seems to me that you have already arrived at that point.

Decent men don’t want sex if someone said no. A man who thinks a woman should just provide it regardless of how they feel isn’t nice. This is the attitude they have when they see us only as sexual dispensers. And his ‘tug it myself’ comment is crude and would massively turn my off in itself. If this how he is it’s completely logical and normal that you have gone off him.

Its completely reasonable for you to not want sex.
Its also reasonable to want to have sex and be frustrated about not having it, although the way he expressed this was wrong

My ex was exactly like this. Expected daily sex as though it was a contractual obligation. Behaved like a toddler and gave silent treatment if I wasn't in the mood. Would progressively verbally abuse and shame me for saying 'no' (I was also clinically depressed, but this was dismissed at the time).

I don't want to upset or scare you OP, but this escalated into further sexual and emotional abuse, which my ex was later arrested for. I remember the day he was arrested - he'd tried to force himself on me during the night, under the premise of 'sexsomnia', as well as forcibly taken my wrist to pleasure himself (you get the picture) before throwing a towel over me and commanding me to clean up.

Unpleasant times. It started in small ways.

Stay safe and absolutely listen to your gut feelings and personal boundaries x

Agree with others about his attitude.

Also, it might be worth going to visit your GP to see whether there's something causing your feelings of being under the weather. It would be a good idea to get yourself checked out.

Have you talked to him about it outside of saying no at the point he wants sex? I mean a calm discussion over a cup of tea or something when he'snot asking for sex. You absolutely shouldn't have sex you don't want, but it's also hard being rejected all the time, so having a discussion can help.

I also agree it's worth seeing the GP.

This post made me want to cry. I think this might be one of the saddest, as well as most anger-inducing stories I've read during my long years of posting on this site. It was your account of the towel, deliberately calculated to expose you to maximum humiliation, that finished me off completely. What kind of a cold, stone-hearted monster could even contemplate such a thing?

Sending you much love from a horrified MN stranger. I'm so pleased you are free of him and hope you're living the fuller, happier you deserve.

NOTHING kills sexual desire faster than being expected to have it and then being exposed to anger and cold treatment. NOTHING!

This is also the fast track to sexual aversion to your spouse, which - once it sets in - is extremely hard, if not impossible, to wind back.

People who pressurise their spouse for sex because their self-esteem is dependent on it should see a therapist.

Thank you 💜it is certainly good being free of him, but the effects are long lasting and have damaged my relationship with sex and intimacy. I stayed with him for over 6 years! I wish I had left sooner. The only reason we separated is because the police finally took action. Even then, after numerous interviews, he wasn't charged with anything due to insufficient evidence. Sexual and emotional abuse are so difficult to pin down for a court of law. Unfortunately, this just emboldened him - he launched a smear campaign against me, telling friends and family I was delusional and had constructed lies about him being a sex pest. I'm sure he already has another victim. He won't change.

I truly hope this isn't the case for OP, and that things can be resolved through communication and any other support needed.
Unfortunately, however, some men just can't be reasoned with. Their cock is more important to them than their partner's feelings.

It is good that you are thinking about the wider health of your relationship and connection to your partner. You recognise that perhaps that connection is less strong than it has been while you are facing challenges to your mental and physical wellbeing, and that you have been physically and emotionally unavailable to your partner.

He is clearly feeling that dislocation, and is having trouble expressing this in the most effective way.

As PP have suggested, a conversation outside of the bedroom context about the challenges you are facing and ways in which you can strengthen your bond may help to re-establish the emotional connection.

Would he be open to discussions in this way?

‘Tug at it?’ Fucking gross. He just sees you as a receptacle for his dick, he doesn’t care about your lack of sex drive or your pleasure does he? Get rid

Have you considered that you don’t want sex because it’s too focused on what HE wants, and pleasing him? Do you ever have sex where he doesn’t finish and you do, where he’s totally focused on your pleasure?
Thinking back to when you did feel desire for him (have you ever?), did you feel comfortable asking for what you wanted or did you feel ashamed, embarrassed, selfish?

Nobody should have to have sex if they don't want to. But it's also reasonable in a marriage to expect it, unless mutually agreed. I think you should make an appointment with your GP because at the moment neither of you are happy.

I'm not entirely sure I understand your point here. What if they haven't made a mutual decision to not have sex? What if only one of them wants it and the other doesn't?

Are you saying is it still reasonable for one person to expect it anyway, and to get angry with their partner when they say no?

No one should have sex they don't want. But if you have previously had a healthy regular sex life, and that has changed without explanation or discussion, I can understand frustration on his part (although he did not express it appropriately). Have you spoken to him about what is going on for you, do you feel able to? Are you seeking support?

A good man doesn’t want sex if their partner isn’t fully into it. He sounds like a knob.

Have you spoken to your Dp about how out of sorts you are feeling?

Of course no one should be pressured to have sex when they don't want to but it is also natural to feel a sense of rejection if repeatedly turned down - women feel this too, it can be seen on Mn.

Talk to him, suggest closeness and cuddling and that he leaves it to you to make the initiative wrt sex? Until you feel better.

Also sometimes it does boost your mood if you give yourself time and space to want sex - by which I mean YOU making the initiative to give it a try, not responding to pressure.

This is all assuming that within your relationship sex is an expression of closeness as well as sexual gratification.

What a load of bollox!! sex is expected when you’re married? Really? Expected and a god given right is it? Nothing should be expected or taken for granted in a marriage especially sex!! What era have you learnt this from ffs

I don't know if there is more to it, but it sounds like he tried it on and you said no, and he was a bit snippy about the rejection but just went and sorted himself out.
You don't have to have sex when you don't want to. I think it's OK for him to try it on and try and get you in the mood, as long as he accepts and backs off when you don't want to.

It would be less awkward if he hadn't tried or if he hadnt made a comment about sorting himself out, but I think if you try and seduce your partner and they reject you it can feel awkward too.

I think you should talk about it with him

"OffTheMap · Today 12:56
Have you spoken to your Dp about how out of sorts you are feeling?
Of course no one should be pressured to have sex when they don't want to but it is also natural to feel a sense of rejection if repeatedly turned down - women feel this too, it can be seen on Mn.
Talk to him, suggest closeness and cuddling and that he leaves it to you to make the initiative wrt sex? Until you feel better.
Also sometimes it does boost your mood if you give yourself time and space to want sex - by which I mean YOU making the initiative to give it a try, not responding to pressure.
This is all assuming that within your relationship sex is an expression of closeness as well as sexual gratification."

This with bells on. Some posters have reacted as if your partner is generally a sex pest and this morning was just more of that. Perhaps that's the case but that's not what I took from your original post. What i understood was that for reasons unrelated to your partner you had gone off sex and felt distant from him and were worried about the potential impact that might have on your relationship and it appears that impact is now being felt. Only you know which is the correct situation. But as some have said, if sexual intimacy has previously been a source of pleasure and connection in your relationship, it's hard for your partner if that suddenly goes away without explanation and perhaps for an extended period. Many partners would struggle with that (including female ones).

Sex is expected by most people when they're married. Regular sex with someone you love is one if the perks of being married surely ?

Obviously this is dependant on health, mood etc and in no way am I suggesting its okay to coerced your spouse into having sex but most people expect to be having sex with their spouse.

Unfortunately it is a well trodden path. Many of us have been in this situation and position. Not wanting sex (for whatever reason) but feeling pressured and knowing the relationship will suffer if we don’t. And having to deal with the knock on stress from the partner who does want it, and the tension from the refusal and their built up sexual need turned stress making home feel unhappy.
I hate it. It happens in my relationship too. The only solution I’ve found is just getting on with it and doing it - as rarely as I need to in order to keep the environment non-tense at home. It’s obviously the ‘wrong’ answer, but I’m not the only one who does this I’m sure.

I just have a lot going on at the moment, I’m none stop to a mum of 3 boys one who’s autistic so yeah I’m never sat down, then getting woke up at 5 in the morning after being up and down with my youngest this is the last thing on my mind. I think I. Might book into the doctors to have a check up as something as defo changed in me. You’re right no one should feel the pressure of having to do it! U do it when ur both want it not just one to keep the peace.. thank you so much for all your replies.. its been very interesting to read… I don’t know how to individually reply to your comments can someone help? Please don’t think I’m ignoring you all.. I would like to chat more about this with people so if anyone would like to message me please feel free.. today is a bad day simply because of that this morning. I can’t stop thinking the worst because I said no so yeah I just want a advice off everyone xx thanks xxx