Partner upset me after I said no to sex, need advice

[Jessijanee19]

not been feeling myself recently.. both mentally and physically. Iv been distant to my partner and just not felt sexual at all. Like Iv gone off it all together? At some point this will put a strain on our relationship and that’s last thing I want. This morning he really really upset me… he tried to get me in the mood before work but I obviously didn’t want to so because I said no he jumped up said il go have a tug myself it will be quieter and lets it at that. Meanwhile I’m upstairs thinking I shouldn’t feel like I HAVE TO. Should I 😑 it’s like I’m saying to myself you’re just going to have to to save the arguements and horrible remarks. What’s everyone’s intake on this please? I don’t want any judgement. I’m genuinely wanting advice. It’s upset me for the day with what he said…

Talk to your Dp this evening, OP. About how you are feeling, the demands on you, your broken nights - and it is this rather than rejection of him, per se.

I think it is harder for mothers. We get so used to being pawed and patted, sticky kids all over us, dealing with the less glamourous physical processes, that another pair of hands arriving on our bodies is just...'oh, give me some peace!'. And women in general take longer to warm up to being ready for sex.

But our own sexual pleasure is important, too, and shouldn't have to be sacrificed to motherhood.

Please don't beat yourself up.

Are you afraid to talk openly with your dp about this?

Perhaps it was clumsily worded but I think it's the general expectation that you'll have sex with your spouse. Unless, as I previously said, it's mutually agreed otherwise. But it is obviously wrong to coerce or force anyone regardless of the relationship. You obviously feel sex is not a reasonable expectation of marriage. In fact you seem to feel that it's an outrage, and if that works for you in your relationship then that's fine. It just doesn't for most people.

This. Unless I’ve misunderstood the OP, OP rejected his advances and he said he’d go off and masturbate. There is no intrinsic problem with that surely. I’ve lived in a sexless marriage and there’s no lonelier place.

Agree!

"Under Section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015 in England and Wales, Section 1 of the Domestic Abuse in Scotland Act 2018, and equivalent legislation in Northern Ireland, controlling or coercive behaviour within an intimate or family relationship is a criminal offense punishable by up to 5 years in prison. This covers a pattern of behaviour where one spouse uses financial, physical, or emotional leverage to demand or extort sexual acts from the other."

Marriage gives no legal right to sexual intimacy, and marriage status does not exempt anyone from criminal liability for sexually assaulting or sexually coercing your spouse.

NO ONE has the right to EXPECT sex from anyone. No matter whether you're married, have fucked thousands of times, you really really really want to, or because otherwise your self-esteem is injured.

In the latter case, get therapy.

In all cases, learn about consent.

It was the aggression with which he did it that makes his behaviour compleetly unacceptable.

OP is also a "none stop to a mum of 3 boys one who’s autistic so yeah I’m never sat down, then getting woke up at 5 in the morning after being up and down with my youngest this is the last thing on my mind"

So this guy wakes up his EXHAUSTED wife to try to fuck her and gets angry when she's too EXHAUSTED to fuck.

This guy is a sex pest and a coercive creep.

This man should be pulling his weight, taking as much of the load off his wife as he can, not waking her up out of her hardwon sleep, pawing at her, and then flouncing off angrily when she can't muster the energy.

OP, what your H is doing - deliberately waking you up early in the morning when you're exhausted from nighttime parenting duties (that he should be SHARING!) to push for sex and then getting angry that you're too tired - is called sexual coercion. It's sexual abuse. It's not OK.

https://zawn.substack.com/p/obligation-sex-is-always-sexual-abuse

I think you need to talk to one another, he clearly feels rejected and irs fine for him to sort himself out. You shouldn’t feel pressured, the issue here is yoire not communicating to each other.

Most people would also be decent about it if their spouse says no.

What utter cobblers.

So you don't think sex is a reasonable expectation in marriage? Utter cobblers or not, you are very much in a minority on this thread. As for "most people would be decent about it if their partners said no", I agree. But if the "no" is constant and permanent then it will severely affect the relationship. Very few people (men or women) are happy in a sexless marriage.

I agree, unless they permanently say no and refuse to address the issue. I think most people would not be happy in that situation.

Yes but you can’t expect them to be celibate unless they wish to be , sex is the Norm in marriage. I’m a little surprised you’re arguing it isn’t.

Its reasonable in a marriage to want to please each other and fulfil each others needs. Its not normal to demand sex and expect it when the other person is feeling crap or doesn't feel like it. If there is no sex in the marriage thats also a problem. OP you need go have a conversation with your husband.

My sons high school rang me today and expressed they are worried about his anger.. he’s had problems in the past but as worked through them slowly .. it’s just took a lot for him to adjust to high school even though he’s in near 8 now! I’m up worrying about it and wondering what I can do to help him .. any ideas? Breaks my heart hearing things like this about my son 💔

That's coercion being a moody bastard to try and get you to cave and have sex to keep the peace.
It sickens me that men can see their partner is run ragged and all they're thinking about is their wants.
It's pathetic show genuine empathy to get to why a partner is struggling and not just for a means to an end.

Of course it's expected in a marriage. Not on demand (obviously) but as something that happens. Marriage vows are a commitment to only have sex with your partner yes? Not a vow of celibacy.

Does his school have any wellbeing he could access? If not, could you sign him up for martial arts?

You may do better with a new thread for this separate issue 😊

A cup of tea and a slice of cake as in Worzel Gummidge. And a GP is not gonna give any advice. This sounds like her bf is coercing and demeaning her and as some others said will lead to mental abuse.

This.

there is right way and wrong way to approach sex in relationships and the husband here is getting it all wrong - that being said I’ve was also been on the rejection of sex for almost a decade- it destroyed my self confidence and ultimately ended my relationship- so this is a tricky situation to navigate- ultimately I think rejection is absolutely necessary at times and needs to be gracious accepted - but constant rejection is a big problem- a relationship ending problem that needs to be discussed and maybe the relationship should end

OP, I had a relationship for about four years. In the last couple of weeks, I felt really tired, would fall asleep on the sofa at 7.30 straight after eating. When we went to bed I'd be asleep within seconds. I was too tired to even notice the change in me, I was just focussed on getting through the day - school run, work, feeding us.

He didn't try to help, he just got arsey, complaining we weren't having enough sex, I'd gone off it, I was boring, mean etc. He went silent & moody then left.

The people who loved me realised there was something wrong and encouraged me to go to a doctor. They were right, I was ill (BC) and needed treatment. Two years down the line and fully recovered, feeling good and back to normal energy levels, I ran into him in town. He asked me over to his for supper. I said no thx.

He had made it absolutely clear what he cared about, and it wasn't me.

Dump your boyfriend, he doesn't give a toss about you, only what he can get from you.

And get yourself checked by a GP. You need to take care of yourself and sometimes we are so busy, we forget that.