Husband weekends away

[LauraFBrown]

First post so please be gentle. My husband is a keen runner and has been away several long weekends for marathons, leaving me with the 4 kids. I've always supported this and love spending time with the children but recently he has been constantly messaging a woman he met in the local running club, and lied to me about who he was messaging (I saw the name pop up on his phone). He shows no interest in me (I'm someone that needs a hug!) and hasn't wanted anything to do with me in years. I'm struggling with this - I feel really down as a result and am not my best self with the family if I'm honest. I've suggested time away together, date nights and even relationship counselling but there's no interest at all. The woman he's in constant contact with has moved abroad and today he's said he wants to go away for a long weekend to do a marathon where she lives (a 12 hour flight away). I've said I'm not happy about this unless we can first try and sort our own relationship - something I'm desperate to do because I love him and want the best for my kids. Am I being unreasonable? Any general advice would be much appreciated! Thx

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. For me, the marathon isn’t even the main issue. It’s the fact he’s constantly messaging another woman, has lied about who he’s messaging, and is now wanting to fly 12 hours to where she lives, while showing no interest in working on your own relationship.
You don’t need to prove he’s having an affair to be uncomfortable with this. You’ve supported his marathons and made genuine attempts to spend time together and have counselling. It sounds like you’re putting a huge amount of effort into saving the relationship while he’s putting very little in.
I’d be asking him why he’s willing to make that effort for someone else but not for his wife. You can love him and want your family together, but unfortunately you can’t repair a marriage on your own.

You are not being unreasonable, but the writing is on the wall - he's completely checked out and is having at the very least an emotional affair but I'd strongly suspect physical. I'm sorry.

No you aren't being unreasonable OP.
If he has been lying to you about his contact with this woman then this is obviously not an innocent relationship.
I'm sorry but it does sound as though he has checked out of your marriage .

He chose to have 4 kids. So it's not ok to go off and leave you alone with them. Say he can either pay for a nanny, and you get to go for a break too (not running unless you want to), or he stays. He's not a teenager, and chose to have all those kids, and it's not just on you to look after them.
The lying's not ok-unless you've given him a hard time over female friends (even then he shouldn't lie, but it might be more understandable).

He's taking the piss OP and expecting you to be ok with him gallivanting off to be with another woman.

I think it's obvious your marriage is dead and has been for a long time OP. He checked out and isnt interested in fixing it.
I think its time to start looking forward to a new life without him.

Marathon running / training is not ideal with 4 young children. You dont mention their ages but it strikes me a selfish thing to do. A one off marathon yes absolutely if uou were all involved but he sounds self absorbed.

Have you posted about this before? If not I swear it must be a common problem with hobbies.

The main concern here is that he shows no interest in working on your relationship. What are you meant to do in that situation? You don’t have many choices beyond threatening divorce if he doesn’t go to couples therapy with you. But you have to ask yourself whether you really want such a selfish person in your life.

absolutely not.

sadly you need to have the conversation and get your ducks in a row.

I'm so sorry. His head has been more than turned.

He sounds awful and that he is checked out of family life. What is he like when he's not of gallivanting?

It doesn't sound like a simple friendship with this woman and I would be having a look at these messages to be honest.

The marriage has been over for years, you can start the divorce online.
Don't do any labour for him, make sure he is doing his proper 50% of raising his kids, and start planning if the house will need to be sold, or if one of you will buy the other out.
Words are just air, believe mens actions.

You love the idea of him, not the reality. He doesn’t make you feel cherished and respected, he does not care about you.

Life is so damn short, you deserve more and your children deserve more than this pathetic excuse of a role model. Don’t normalise this behaviour to them!

If he wants to run marathons - with your support then fine. What’s NOT fine is txting another woman and lying about it, and wanting to fly 12 hrs away and do a run with her! Surely there are marathon’s closer to home, so it leaves me to believe she’s the attraction not the marathon.

Also what’s not fine is his brazen self-absorption, his disinterest is trying to reconnect with you whilst taking advantage of your staying home, maintaining a home for him to make use of and you taking the majority load of the children-care.

This husband of yours needs a jolly good shake regarding his inappropriate behaviour and utter selfishness.

I would wait until he’s gone off on his trip and then set your divorce in motion.

If he lied about who he was messaging, how do you know that she moved and that he plans on going to her town? What did he say when you said you don't want him doing that UNTIL he fixes things with you. I think that was too passive, as he shouldn't be going at all, even if he supposedly put some effort into your marriage. It's not appropriate for a married man to get this close to another woman. You can of course see it's crossing boundaries.

I'd get real with him that if you continue feeling ignored/unloved and that he continues with the emotional affair (print out an article which shows the signs of an emotional affair and hand it to him), that he won't be wanting to spend money on trips when his finances will soon be limited since you're not willing to live the rest of your life under these circumstances.

I'm sorry you've been treated like this.

He's not even pretending.

Start getting some legal advice.

Is he a shit dad as well as a shit husband?

Christ the gall of the man 😡, incredible.

Sorry op but it sounds like the marriage is over.
You have a decision to make. Check out yourself but stay for the time being for financial security, or leave.
I left with 3 kids age between 3 and 7, the eldest with a disability. I had to rely on the welfare system for a while and it was hard going. But looking back many years later it was the best thing I could have done.
Whatever you decide to do get your ducks in a mumsnet row asap.

of course he’s a shit dad - he leaves her alone with multiple children while he does his hobby as well as running after this hobby women, He is subtly abusing the op by running her into the ground as well as not giving her any love or affectioN and ignoring her pleas not only to save their marriage but also save their family unit. @LauraFBrown you sound lovely, you are trying so hard but sadly he has checked out. Are you working or are you dependent on him?

Has he always been a keen runner or is it a hobby he's picked up since having kids? Sounds like a convenient way to get out of doing any parenting at weekends.

That aside, I agree with others, YANBU wanting to try and save the relationship, but sadly I fear you may be beating a dead horse because it sounds like he checked out long ago.

Tell him it’s a choice he needs to make. He either recommits to you and the DC, and you have counselling. You may or may not forgive him for whatever has been going on with OW.

Or he fucks off and doesn’t come back. You will initiate a divorce and he can find somewhere else to live.

I agree that he has totally checked out of your marriage. How old are your children? He is having an emotional affair with this woman and it will definitely become a physical affair if he travels to her country for the marathon.

I'm not sure why you still love him when his behaviour towards you is so awful. He is showing absolutely no desire to repair your relationship and save your marriage. His focus is all on this other woman.

He has checked out . He is having an emotional affair at best physical once probably. He is not going to visit her to run a marathon he is going there to have sex with her. Im sorry you deserve so much better and he has betrayed his family .