Was my husband's mortgage comment a joke or genuinely hurtful?

[Somewhatblindsided]

Hello. I will try and keep it short. I was talking (ok gossiping) with my husband about a friend who is in process of getting divorced. They are going to court as my friend is refusing to accept offers on the house and her husband wants to move on. I said that IMHO my friend was being a bit grabby, especially as the divorce was her idea (she met someone new) and she is effectively blocking the house sale when she hasn't contributed to paying the mortgage (she gave up work when her DD was born and never went back).

My husband started laughing and said "well you don't contribute to paying our mortgage either." I was a bit shocked as yes the mortgage payments come out of "his" account but I paid part of the deposit, pay various other bills and am now putting every spare penny into our pension for example. So we have separate bank accounts but shared finances. Or that's what I thought anyway!

He earns much more than I do as he has a high flying job while I moved into a lower-paid/public sector job after having kids so I could stay FT but do the school runs, holidays etc. You all know the story.

When I pointed that out that yes he pays the mortgage but I still contribute financially while also raising 4 kids, he just carried on saying that I'm not that different so should be more understanding. And anyway he was just joking as he knows how much I love working and I would never have wanted to give it up.

I am really hurt, both by his comment and by the fact that he continued to double-down on it when I challenged him. Just to be clear, I am absolutely not dismissing being a SAHM and despite what my husband is now saying I would have loved to be one myself when the kids were younger. It is more that I am now thinking perhaps I should have done that instead as it nearly finished me off doing the lions share of looking after 4 kids while working, but my husband seems to think I've been working for pocket money or something anyhow?!

I don't know what I'm asking really. I guess I just wanted to get a sense from others as whether my husband is right and I am overreacting to a light-hearted comment?!

OP works and had taken a role that fits in with childcare which enables her husband to continue his higher paying job while fathering 4 children. He's insinuating that OP works for the fun of it, ignoring her contributions. I'd be livid too. I've personally accepted that there's little real equality while women have the babies.

And at the same time back of bitching about her friend who’s essentially doing the exact same thing.

The op has four children not me. I have one sadly due to my health issues I was unable to have any more, thank you for the reminder and kindness

This.
Op you sound horrible, as a mother, wife and friend. Internalised misogyny at its worst.

Your husband is being an ass for saying that. I'd be worried that it wasn't a joke and he doesn't value your contributions at all.

You were also being an ass in your comments on your "friend".

I’m not going to stick the boot in or be pedantic (gossiping and the mortgage getting paid from “HIS” account) because life is too short.

My tuppence worth is that we have a house full of visitors this week which includes my step daughter, her husband and their young children. The number of times I have heard “grandad’s house”, “grandad’s car”, “grandad’s garden”, “grandad’s this, that and the fucking other” said by the adults and repeated by the children…Lord, give me strength. I’m a bit player in my own life!

I mean the OP is clearly overthinking what DH said. He was being literal in that she doesn’t pay the mortgage.

you have just taken it next level. He hasn’t made any suggestion he doesn’t value her contribution he was just being factual and making light of the OP’s gossiping about her friend when she was being mean. He essentially defended the friend being entitled to the assets so he isn’t the twat you think he is

Oh fuck off

If I were you, OP, I would open a new joint account that ALL bills come out of and that you both pay a set amount into. Therefore, you're both contributing to all bills.

I think you were out of order in your comment about your "friend" and he was pointing that out. It wasn't the most conciliatory way of doing it, but it doesn't sound like he was the one who thought that looking after kids wasn't as worthwhile as bringing in the bacon.