Was my husband's mortgage comment a joke or genuinely hurtful?

[Somewhatblindsided]

Hello. I will try and keep it short. I was talking (ok gossiping) with my husband about a friend who is in process of getting divorced. They are going to court as my friend is refusing to accept offers on the house and her husband wants to move on. I said that IMHO my friend was being a bit grabby, especially as the divorce was her idea (she met someone new) and she is effectively blocking the house sale when she hasn't contributed to paying the mortgage (she gave up work when her DD was born and never went back).

My husband started laughing and said "well you don't contribute to paying our mortgage either." I was a bit shocked as yes the mortgage payments come out of "his" account but I paid part of the deposit, pay various other bills and am now putting every spare penny into our pension for example. So we have separate bank accounts but shared finances. Or that's what I thought anyway!

He earns much more than I do as he has a high flying job while I moved into a lower-paid/public sector job after having kids so I could stay FT but do the school runs, holidays etc. You all know the story.

When I pointed that out that yes he pays the mortgage but I still contribute financially while also raising 4 kids, he just carried on saying that I'm not that different so should be more understanding. And anyway he was just joking as he knows how much I love working and I would never have wanted to give it up.

I am really hurt, both by his comment and by the fact that he continued to double-down on it when I challenged him. Just to be clear, I am absolutely not dismissing being a SAHM and despite what my husband is now saying I would have loved to be one myself when the kids were younger. It is more that I am now thinking perhaps I should have done that instead as it nearly finished me off doing the lions share of looking after 4 kids while working, but my husband seems to think I've been working for pocket money or something anyhow?!

I don't know what I'm asking really. I guess I just wanted to get a sense from others as whether my husband is right and I am overreacting to a light-hearted comment?!

I'd be absolutely disgusted with him. It doesn't sound light-hearted to me. It sounds like he's really thought about it.

Many a true word spoken in jest, as they say.

Sounds like you were being bitchy about your friend and he pointed out that you don't pay the mortgage either, which is factually correct.

He's not wrong though?

You haven't paid the mortgage.

Why are you getting in a tizz?

But OP is paying a share of the bills out of her own accounts, and her DP's share from his account just happens to include the mortgage. She could 'joke' back that he shouldn't be able to adjust the heating or when to turn the Christmas lights on as she's paying the electric. I bet that he wouldn't like that.

If they are both named on the mortgage and married then would the account that it comes out of make any difference in a divorce settlement?

This

Harsh but true.

You were being bitchy about your friend being “grabby” for wanting her rightful share of the marital assets .. in your case you think you have “earned” yours be she somehow hasn’t ? He’s actually on her side which is a good sign. He doesn’t believe the only contribution is financial to running a house, home , family. Women are their own worst enemies .. this site is so anti women sometimes .. it’s depressing

Your husband is an ass. I haven't worked since before we got married (forced retirement due to health reasons in my 30's), I do receive a pension but its small and doesnt cover much but my husband would never ever make a comment like that. He insists that any success he has is shared because I have supported him in every way except financially (we did get a very generous financial gift from my parents which we used towards mortgage and for him to study), the childcare for four children plus the actual growing and birthing those same children is worth more than any mortgage. Again, your husband is an ass.

Invoice him for years of childcare you have provided..see who's account looks the healthiest then .
Twat.

Exactly the sort of joke I’d make in our house. But I value DH’s other contributions (not least because his salary funds all of our holidays)… but strictly I pay all our bills (from my salary that goes into our joint account, as his goes straight into an account for savings).

Yep

Agree

Totally agree.

Hes right though isnt he?

You dont pay the mortgage, quite rightly you think that means F all in a marriage, yet you are the one bitching about your friend not contributing to the mortgage

I think this is one of those things that some people find it funny and others don’t. I think it’s fair what a PP was saying that you were being “bitchy” and he pointed it out. We have had a running joke in my house that is similar and I find funny but my MIL was shocked and told my husband off 😂. I would say the problem is if you feel like your contribution (unpaid work) is being treated as less than either consciously or subconsciously which would then make sense (imo) your reaction.

I think he was trying to say you're being unfair on your friend/ a bit hypercritical.

I also suspect he was probably hoping to end the conversation so you'd stop gossiping.

This is why a joint account can be easier, now fine if people say their own thing works for them, and it's their business, but it would stop problems like this, where one pays for some things.
OP, I'd explain to him you're upset-work out what you'd have paid a nanny (cook/cleaner/PA) to do all you've done over the years and explain why it rankles, but the main point is this woman is the one who has ruined her marriage yet is trying to profit from it, from what you say.

you dont pay the mortgage so whats the problem?

Sounds like you think you have more of a claim on your house than your friend has on hers… because you don’t value sahms.

You are not paying the mortgage. Doesn’t sound like you could afford to. You’re paying a small portion of the bills, but your husband sounds like he could manage it all on his own. But you’d still be entitled to at least half of that house, and rightly so. Just like your friend. How dare you say she is being cheeky because she didn’t pay for it.

You can take care of four children but are medically retired? Unusual.

When things deteriorated between me and DH he accused me and DD of milking him dry 🙄. Things often come down to money when the chips are down.

Agree to invoicing him for all the childcare you have done.

Men eh.

He's got a point. Or is your situation more understandable because you've got 4 kids n she's got 1?

This.

Sounds like your husband thought you sounded like an arse. With friends like you eh!

That’s exactly what the OP is accusing her friend of doing. OP is the one in the wrong here.