Am I unsure about him, or just more guarded because I was cheated on?!

[Autumncoffee]

Ill try not to make this long winded, but include all relevant info.

Separated from ex spring last year, have 2 young kids together. Had been with ex for over 14 years, and was COMPLETELY blindsided when I discovered he was cheating. I cant express how much this seemed completely out of character for him and I genuinely had no trust issues up to this point. This is relevant.

Started talking to/seeing someone over last couple of months. They seem lovely and seem to very much wear their heart of their sleeve.

I cannot figure out if my concerns/second guessing is because im not as interested as I think I should be or if im being very guarded.

When we are together we have a lovely time, but when we are not together I find myself constantly wondering if I see this more long term, start to question really small things - is he masculine enough (or tbh as masculine as I was used to - which clearly didn't work anyway....), is he driven enough and so on.

I do come back to the conclusion that im just being guarded, and to try and take it at face value. But I also wonder if this is normal based on my past experience, or would it feel different with someone else, which I dont have anything anything to compare to except ex. Hes different to what im used to which I know isnt a bad thing but does make me question/possibly compare a bit

Sorry if thats a ramble.

TLDR am I overthinking, and is there hope ill be able to fully let my guard down and trust again?! Or am I doomed to second guess forever 🥲

I think that if this was about trust and cheating, your worries would be more focused on that aspect, whether he was genuine, whether he might be talking to/seeing others etc. I'd see these doubts as separate to that.

Yeh I appreciate that. There are some concerns there but I can completely appreciate that is all my own stuff and nothing to do with his behaviour.

I suppose im worried I might talk myself out of a good thing because im too guarded/looking for issues.

Navigating dating is tricky when you've never done it before it seems!

What do you mean by is he masculine enough? That could be the kind of thing that could turn you off if it’s his mannerisms or his looks as obviously physical attraction is important.

If you were guarded because of cheating, you'd just be keeping him at arms length, and probably having insecurities around his fidelity.

But from what you've described - criticising his masculinity, not sure if you're interested, etc - it sounds like you just don't really fancy him, or that type of man.

There's probably something for you to unpack there around why you seem to be attracted to traits/behaviours you've learned are harmful, but keeping this one on the hook while you figure that out will probably be painful for both of you.

Im definitely physically attracted to him and he has a really nice personality. He is much more open about his feelings, and as I said, wears his heart on his sleeve which im probably not used to.

Maybe the masculine thing is more mannerisms at times @SeptemberSun01

You seem confused. A lack of traditional "masculinity" is exactly what you should be finding reassuring after your last relationship. If you're getting the ick about that, then he's probably not for you, but this is the opposite of "guarded because I was cheated on".

Maybe you're simply not quite ready for a new relationship just yet?

Agree with sherbetlemonade
maybe be single for a while, concentrate on you and your kids getting used to a different life.

I think your right, in that i am confused, and im probably not entirely sure what i want/how I should be feeling

You're almost certain to be still suffering a trauma response from the betrayal. That takes time to heal.

If I were you, I would get into therapy to unpick why you are still hankering after the characteristics of the man who betrayed you.

I dont think im necessarily seeking those characteristics out, its just all i have known so make a comparison. But yeh I think some time spent reflecting will help, hopefully

I had similar doubts about my ex husband and they did not go away. I feel like I ended up convincing myself that because he wasn’t treating me like shit, I should settle for less than I really wanted. However there can also be elements of self sabotage we do to ourselves so therapy is a good start

@Jubulee its such a minefield. New guy genuinely hasn't done anything for me to consider red flags. Im just unsure if im looking for issues, as a form of self sabotage, or if the way I am feeling is considered normal due to past experience

You’ve not been separated long. At this point a relationship should be light, enjoyable, and give you enough space to focus on the other (more) important areas of your life. If it isn’t, then it’s too soon.
It shouldn’t be complicated.

@BrilliantBetty I think its me complicating it by overthinking 😂

Maybe ill just keep taking it as it is and either things will progress well, or not.
I just dont particularly enjoy uncertainty

Sorry if I've missed it - does last spring mean spring 2026 or spring 2025? If you mean spring 2025 then I suspect that it's just too soon to be dating someone else in any deep way (though could be helpful in a "getting back on the horse" sort of way). If it's spring 2025 then it's still not that long given a 14 year relationship, especially where there are shared children and presumably an ongoing level of contact with your ex.

As @BrilliantBetty says - at this stage a relationship should be light and enjoyable and it shouldn't be complicated. You are questioning yourself about whether this is suitable long-term but that seems somewhat unnecessary right now. You already have your DCs and presumably your own home and income - you're not trying to find a partner to start a family with or for any material need . You are allowed to just date this guy for fun, for now and just see how it unfolds.

Updated in light of your latest post: it is understandable that you dislike uncertainty given what you've been through but also as you know nothing is guaranteed ever. There is never cast iron certainty when it comes to relationships with other people. Most of us (you, I think, included) decide that it is worth the risk because of the upsides when things are going well.

This really is for therapy! Anxiety hates uncertainty and looks for ways to talk you out of all kinds of things

Sitting with something uncomfortable is a skill in itself

@Dery spring 2025

Yeh I think im just overthinking it all and need to just enjoy it for what it is currently.
Your right, im not looking for someone to marry or have children with, im just looking to have someone to enjoy dating. Its such a strange way to view things for me, going for a long term serious relationship to just taking it as it comes but I think thats really all I should be doing. It just feels alien, and I then end up overthinking the future and questioning it all.

Back to trying to just enjoy it when we see each other, and take it as it comes....

Its a shame I cant fastrack the learning to sit with something uncomfortable without the discomfort 😂

There are loads of online resources tbh about sitting with uncertainty, there is exposure therapy and using counting time for it, so only allowing yourself 10 mins to be bothered, then taking an hour break and checking in on yourself. Usually when you come back you feel less bothered. I keep a journal sometimes

Problem is you (people generally) are already 10 years ahead in thinking about the future rather than enjoying the now. I can come back later to share more on this when I have time x

@Jubulee thank you, thats very kind of you.
Open to hearing any and all advice! X

For me, one of the most disturbing things about being cheated on was the loss of trust in myself. My judgement was SO off: I was mind-bogglingly far from the perceptive, sensitive, reader of character that I used to think I was.

Perhaps you are responding to something similar in yourself, a loss of faith in your own judgement and perception? If so, I think that time, peace, and thoughtfulness will bring back your trust in yourself, which you need before you can trust another person.

Whether you trust someone or not has no relevance on whether of not they would cheat. New guy may or may not cheat just go by the actual evidence you have presented to you. Base your trust on that!

I think I struggle with being a good judge of character now, and worry I would make the same mistake again and end up getting hurt again.

I do appreciate me worrying about him being faithful doesnt make it more or less likely that he will be.

I do really enjoy his company so think ill just keep going with that, and try to manage the overthinking.

People lie. People mask. It’s no bearing on you but yes I understand why you feel that way…..Enjoy yourself until you get a reason not to :)