How to split finances with husband

[Unlove]

I'm posting for some advice or suggestions on how to best manage our finances.

Married, 2 kids each from previous relationships, none together.

His eldest is 18 and an apprentice on £18k. My eldest is 19 and also an apprentice on a similar wage. The other 2 are teenagers in school. We live with mine and he sees his occasionally. Nothing fixed now they're older and are out with friends all the time. Open visiting at our house, which they both do when they want to (live local).

We earn roughly the same. I get CM from my ex and he pays CM to his ex (similar amounts).

Currently sharing everything. Income and bills/outgoings all treated as joint. We have a bills account and joint current account. We always seem to be overdrawn each month even though we earn decent amounts (£90k joint) and have a low mortgage (£500) and no childcare etc

I'm get annoyed with him still sending money to his eldest in the region of £170 a month as she always spends her wages and begs for more for takeaways, clothes, nights out, petrol etc. She doesn't pay board to her mum. I don't give my eldest a penny. He pays £200 a month board towards bills and groceries and buys all his own things after that and runs a car. DH also likes buying more gadgets and clothes than me and doesn't seem to have a good awareness of budgeting.

So, I'm looking for a new way of splitting things. What would others do in these circumstances?

One method:
Each have your own account for wages/benefits/etc. to go into.
Joint expenses get transferred into the joint account on the 1st of every month (or whatever fixed schedule works for you) and then your spending money is completely separate.

But if he is likely to run out quickly and look to you to supplement things, you potentially have a bigger issue that needs addressing to promote harmony in your home and nip resentment in the bud.

Good luck OP ❤️

So you earn pretty much equal amounts and he's using both his and your money to finance his working daughter and for fun money for himself?

That's very unfair. You could be using that money for a nice holiday etc.

Personally I would stop using a joint account for anything other than bills etc.

You each have separate accounts that you pay your wages into. You then each pay half of the bills and put that in the joint account. What's left over is your own and you keep it in your own accounts.

You each pay for your own stuff. If you OH wants to finance his daughter it comes out of his money. If he runs out tough. No subs.

So basically the mo et your son pays us effectively going straight to his daughter - surely he’s hit to see that’s unfair!
separste household account for all bills and food and each transfer same amount each month. Your sons money msybe go into joint account too as it’s to offset against household expenses but his daughters straight out of his private sole account

Do a budget of EVERYTHING joint and use your joint account for this. Allow your CM to go into this account and his to come out. Put your sons ‘board’ in here. Then you each need to put half of the amount needed per month into the joint account (I’d actually go 10% higher to allow for bills rising). I’d also advise £x a month into a joint savings for holidays or he is never going to have money for a holiday without you paying.

Then let’s get our wages paid into separate accounts - if he spends his on his daughter and gadgets that’s completely fine.

Im reading this diffrent. He lives with your kids and is paying essentially for them. Then you take issue with him spending some on his own?

My CM and child benefit is treated as joint money. In turn, the CM for his ex, and another regular payment for something else for his youngest DD goes out of our bills account, which I contribute half towards. We both put towards Christmas and birthday gifts for the kids and our parents.

We have always treated the children equally up until now. However, our views on whether or not to fund working adult children's social lives differ unfortunately. He was happy for my son to be self funding for the last year, but not doesn't want the same for his DD.

Do you get the benefit of his car or do you have your own ? It’s fair enough if he wants to give his daughter money - do you pay your kids mobile phones from the joint account? I’d maybe have a joint account for bills only. If you’re receiving maintenance you could use that plus sons dig money towards their food ? Make it fair all round. If your husband drives you all around definitely contribute towards fuel.

Sorry you both earn very good money yet you have issue with him spending £200 a month on his kids?

What about all the REST? You have £6K left a month (if you takeout £1500 a month for bills which you probably have lower due to low mortgage) and you're overdrawn and nitpicking over £200?

This doesn't make sense

Work out how much you need to cover all joint spending, including monthly and annual bills, groceries, travel etc.

Then split whatever is left into equal amounts that stays in your personal bank accounts. You can spend that however you wish. If he wants to spend £200 of his personal budget on his kid, he can.

Definitely joint account for mortgage, household bills, food shopping etc with you both putting in the same amount each month. Whatever you have left is your own. This is the setup me and my partner have and he pays the CM from his own money, not the joint account.

90k joint income with bills of 500. They should not be overdrawn

Sorry but the CM seems even... but your kids live with him... so he pays for their lives.... but he shouldnt help hia own kids out? Its messy i dont knkw what is fair.but....

Or arguing over £200 given to a child. Children cost money. The father is providing for his and he works for it.

Bills are around £2600 total including lease cars and credit card payment (joint debt). Groceries around £700.

I think we just want to spend money differently. He wants to pay for his daughter's social life, petrol and takeaways and buy gadgets and clothes for himself. I would rather save the money for a weekend away or something nice for the house I guess.

So I've decided I no longer want joint spending money and he's happy with this. Just wanted suggestions on how other people manage it as currently he has what he wants but there is never any money for things I want as I can't really put money into savings when we are overdrawn.

She's 18 with an £18000 pa salary with zero rent or bills, just petrol, clothes, beauty treatments and socialising to fund.

I can only dream of spending that much money on myself 😂

Thank you for the suggestions. Will sit down tomorrow night and look over everything to see what is going to suit us best.

How loving of you.

So you're not looking at super expensive cars and other spending that does seem high but nitpicking at £200 going to his daughter and demanding that this money goes to you for things that you want.

Yes, get separate account and put your money aside for things you want, because you're turning into bitter stepmum.

Each put half of all bills in the joint account, no CM in or out, just mortgage, council tax etc. Kids or not, most of the expenses would be there.
Food may need to be 70/30 ish from you as you have kids at home full time.
I would then both agree a set amount each to go into savings account.
Rest is for you each to use as you see fit.

Neither should dictate how you fund each others children. This is not a traditional blended family, the children are too old to be worried about being treated equally.

I'd sit down and agree all the regular bills for the joint account (mortgage, bills, groceries, cars, debt, loans, plus any small incidentals you share like a coffee or dates etc (maybe £50 - £100 each a month, more if you eat out together a lot).) Then you each pay half of that figure (or agree what covers your portion given you have children there). If you also want to save up for joint luxuries like a holiday, home improvements etc, I'd set up a joint savings account and agree an amount to each pay into that monthly too. I'd suggest your ds pays his rent money into your joint current account too given he is paying for a room in your shared home, rather than something specifically from you.

The rest of your money stays in each of your personal accounts. He can use whatever is left in that for gadgets and his cm and his daughter. Strongly suspect that he might come around to not funding his daughter once he alone is having to pay for her!

When does the CM end (how old are youngest kids)?

There’s no way I’d be ok with a new partner commenting on what I spent on my children I no longer live with, he prob feels a bit guilty