How to split finances with husband

[Unlove]

I'm posting for some advice or suggestions on how to best manage our finances.

Married, 2 kids each from previous relationships, none together.

His eldest is 18 and an apprentice on £18k. My eldest is 19 and also an apprentice on a similar wage. The other 2 are teenagers in school. We live with mine and he sees his occasionally. Nothing fixed now they're older and are out with friends all the time. Open visiting at our house, which they both do when they want to (live local).

We earn roughly the same. I get CM from my ex and he pays CM to his ex (similar amounts).

Currently sharing everything. Income and bills/outgoings all treated as joint. We have a bills account and joint current account. We always seem to be overdrawn each month even though we earn decent amounts (£90k joint) and have a low mortgage (£500) and no childcare etc

I'm get annoyed with him still sending money to his eldest in the region of £170 a month as she always spends her wages and begs for more for takeaways, clothes, nights out, petrol etc. She doesn't pay board to her mum. I don't give my eldest a penny. He pays £200 a month board towards bills and groceries and buys all his own things after that and runs a car. DH also likes buying more gadgets and clothes than me and doesn't seem to have a good awareness of budgeting.

So, I'm looking for a new way of splitting things. What would others do in these circumstances?

In your op, you don’t seem to take in to consideration that your kids live with you. So currently you are both paying for your kids food/utilities with a £200 contribution from one of yours. Surely you spend from the joint far far more on your kids, even with the £200, than him sending £170 to his?

i think with all your talk of ‘fair’ - you will be the one to lose out as he doesn’t seem to have complained at all that his money feeds your kids on a daily basis,

I receive CM and CB for my youngest. My ex buys her things and me and DH buy my DD and SD2 things or contribute to school trips, concerts etc as they aren't working yet.

We spend pretty equally on the 16yos, although I guess my DD uses more electricity and food. I think the CM and CB cover that though.

I can guarantee that I am not the one spending too much. I don't have any beauty treatments, expensive clothes, make up, hair is a dry cut every 6 months at £15.

DH spends way more on expensive or convenience things. Fast food, meta glasses, new clothes, designer trainers, unnecessary kitchen gadgets, tattoos, latest phone when he gets bored of his plus the extra to his adult child so she can live the lifestyle she is accustomed to.

We just have different financial priorities and I want it to change as its currently not fair.

I look in the joint account and think oh great we have £400 left to last the month. Then poof it's gone a few days later. None on me.... all spent on DH, DD, or the two SDs. DH spends more on my DD than I do 😭 she goes to him is she wants something as she knows it will be a yes.

Thank you. This is helpful

That does seem grossly unfair.

meta glasses, new clothes, designer trainers, unnecessary kitchen gadgets, tattoos, latest phone when he gets bored

He should spend this from his 'pocket money' from his private savings account, not from your joint account.
However, I agree with other posters that you do seem to have a general spending issue, if you are broke or overdraft on 90k per month with such a low mortgage. You need both to sit down and look where you can make cuts.

If we are doing that he shouldt be laying half in to the joint account... its for her kids

I would maybe add a joint saving/emergency account to this too, where you both put in an equal amount.

That's a little bit harsh. I'm so grateful my parents didn't give me money as soon as I was earning myself - it felt harsh at the time but I am so responsible with money and have been since even before then because we were given a strict allowance and worked throughout a levels and university. It's a gift to teach your kids how to manage money. As the OP says, it's not that she doesn't want him spending money on his daughter, it's that she has her own income and no rent or bills but is managing to burn through an 18k salary.

OP - we have a joint account that anything bills, childcare related etc. goes into and we keep the rest in our personal accounts for spending how we see fit. We do have a lot of joint savings goals so it's not entirely separate - we both know how much each other has saved but it means we don't question each others spending. As your partner is an overspender I would recommend you have a joint account that you pay equal into and also have an savings account you both pay the same amount into to build a security buffer if you're going overdrawn each month. Then he can manage the rest and choose if he wants to give the money to his daughter or buy other things.

maybe equal amounts personal spending money could help? My DH and I both get £150/month for stuff that is purely for us, no oversight. Definitely helps keep that autonomy.

You need to just have your own separate money. Is the mortgage in both your names? If so each pay half everything into one account for mortgage/food/bills. Then his money is his to give to his children how he sees fit and vice a versa.

We each put the amount needed for bills / mortgage in a joint account and a little extra so £2500 a month. Then we keep the rest of our money, of course we are married if I needed money my husband would give it to me vice versa . I work 4 days he works 5 as I look after my little one on a Monday then his at Nursey rest of the week - so my husband will pick up some more of the expensive items we need when decorating. He pays for more meals out etc. works well for us - means if he wants to go buy a gadget it has no impact on me and likewise if I want to buy something no issues

I agree. You need some money for family household bills and core stuff eg all the kids bday and Xmas. And home and garden updates etc. car maintenance, you have personal budgets too which you either can use on spiking your desks or each other or your own kids. Then you won’t resent your DH sending his daughter cash and he don’t resent if you splurge on Botox or theatre or a Burberry coat for your dog or anything else he might say isn’t needed

Thank you everyone. Really appreciate all the posts.

We've gone over everything and have decided to share all income and bills, pay into joint savings for holidays and household expenses/DIY etc

Then we are each going to have £1000 'spending money'. This is to be used for whatever we want for us and our own kids including clothes, day trips, birthdays, xmas, meals out etc. It can be spent or saved. No guilt and no sense of unfairness.

Giving it a try from this payday to see how it works 😊

I personally would split finances again. If you both earn the same split household bills down the middle. He has to use his own money to subsidise his eldest and should pay more to cover his kids food when they are with you. Having completely joint finances only works if you have same attitude to money.

But he's paying towards bills for 2 kids who arent his

As he is frittering away his spending money every month, make sure it’s not you funding all the gifts for birthdays and Christmas.

So he is basically funding your child since under the same roof. How your getting overdrawn boggles me. Yous are way overspending. We don't get half of that plus young kids, etc and never go overdrawn or borrow on a credit card. Good on him doesn't matter what age your parents can give if they want to

He doesn't fund my childrwn any more than I fund his.

Our wages are the same. On top of that I receive £200 a month from DS, £350 a month from ex and £27 a week CB which goes towards the costs of living with my children. I then in turn pay towards SD's child support, prescriptions, and school coach. Totals about £440 a month. Our joint money has then been going on buying my DD and DS's two DDs things or giving them money.

The sticking point is what happens with 'spare money'. He spends a much higher amount of it on himself and ihs kids than I do on me and mine.

I think whether parents continue to give adult DCs money when they're working FT and earning plenty is an individual decision.

I don't believe it's helpful as it doesn't teach them to budget. DH clearly feels different which is fine, but that's for him to fund.

I have never in my life been overdrawn since I was a student in my teens. DH has. He overspends and is very impulsive. Rather than trying to tell him to stop spending and stop giving his DD money, I just feel it's easier if he can see £1000 and know that's for him to use how he wants but once it's gone it's gone.

sounds sensible to have spending money