NC with sibling who has terminal illness

[butter1fly]

Hi, first time poster, so sorry if it's the wrong forum. Basically, have been NC with my sibling for a few years (and LC for more years before that), and have been informed by another family member that they (my NC sibling) were just diagnosed with terminal cancer. What would you do?
I am sympathetic of course, but really really hate talking to them. (There is a reason you go NC, right?)

You don’t have to have contact if you don’t want to.

is there anything you want or need to say to them? Is there anything important that they might want to say to you? Or is this just a feeling that you “ought” to talk to them?

Thank you. No, there is nothing important that either of us would want to say. It's just I feel it is "expected" by other family members (like their child who I have good relationship with), and I don't want to let them down..

If your sibling died tomorrow would you have any regrets? Will you feel sadness when they die?
If the answer is no, then I wouldn’t visit.
You could be there for your niece without actually seeing your sibling.

I am nc with my sibling. As far as I'm concerned he was dead to me from the time I stopped contact and I will never have contact with him again whatever happens.

If you have gone nc there will be good reasons for it and those reasons don't change even with illness or death. Obviously your own situation may be different from mine but don't feel pressured into contact by other people, if you resume contact it needs to be right for you, and if nc is the better option for you then be assertive with your boundaries.

Someone can still be a person you don't want in your life, even if they are sick. I would ask yourself the question whether you will have any regrets once they die and you can no longer see them or speak to them. It's possible you have both developed and things will be different. Or it might be that seeing them just reinforces that you have done the right thing not having contact. Either way, make sure you will have no regrets at the end.

You clearly have had a very poor relationship with this person to the point of ceasing to have contact with them.

Do not burden their last months with reminders of all this negativity.

If they want to get in touch they can; otherwise allow them to end their life in peace.

It is about them and not about you remember. Do what is best for them.

If family try and guide you in the direction of making contact be sure to say that this person might not want to have their last months burdened by reminders of bad things.

What do you want to do?

One option could be a letter. The tone of it would depend on the reasons you are no-contact.

If it's something unresolved and unresolveable that lies between you, you could express regret ... something like "Hallo Brother/Sister, Sarah has let me know of your illness. I know things have been difficult between us for a long time, but I was sorry to hear this. Whatever else, we shared a childhood. I wish you well.

Sincerely
@butter1fly "

It's a bit formal and empty perhaps, but it might be enough to bring your sibling's child comfort.

Or you could chat more informally and warmly, which might or might not lead to something more.

Either way I'd consider a letter for your neice/nephew's sake, if not your own.

I know that Mumsnet is highly unforgiving and in some situations, no contact should stay until the end. In others, a degree of softening might help you, and perhaps your sibling as well as the other family.

Again, in some situations no contact should stay that way until the end. But I suspect that in other cases, some people who have tried to reach out a bit sometimes feel better themselves - more healed - after twenty or thirty years than those who stay adamantly no contact.

It depends on the person and the reason for no contact and the amount of time that's passed.

Well, there are no "bad things" actually happened.. But I see your point. They definitely don't want to talk to anyone in the family and expressed it to their spouse, who immediately did "I know he doesn't want you to know, but I think you should know" thing to one member of the family, and then it just spread further..

That's very unfair and unsupportive of their spouse who should be putting them first.

If they have definitely said this, then maybe it's best to let sleeping dogs lie?

Yes, if the person said he/she didn't want anyone to know, then I think you should leave it.

If you think that for the child's sake you need to reach out, keep it to a letter for sure. That way the person isn't caught wrong-footed and can stop and think about how / if they want to respond.

The spouse may have been upset and kind of broadcasting their distress, but it wasn't ideal that they didn't respect the person's wishes.

In your siblings shoes, I wouldn't want you crawling out of the woodwork now after nc/lc.

Presumably they will be very poorly, devastated and attempting to get their affairs in order, it isn't fair on them for you to turn up now to ease your conscience.

Read the posts properly, @CherryKerry
The OP doesnt want to talk to her sibling, and is thinking of doing do only for other peoples' sake.

She isn't 'crawling out of the woodwork' and she isn't considering it to ease her own conscience.

Are you projecting, by any chance?

My post was looking at it from the siblings POV, they are after all the important one in this scenario. It's my opinion of how they would likely feel, especially as they have already asked for their illness to be kept private.

Put yourself in the terminally ill siblings shoes - what you you prefer in these circumstances?

Where did you get "ease her own conscience" thing from? My conscience is clear, I haven't done anything wrong..
If you want to say that it's in the ill person's interest to not be contacted, just say it in a plain English without making your own assumptions..

I got it from you saying you didn't want to let your presumably niece/nephew down. You said that in an earlier post.

Anyway, if I was you I wouldn't make contact with them, don't be guilt tripped in to 'letting someone down'.

@CherryKerry the OP cares about her sibling's child and how they're coping with the terminal illness if theor parent.

It's a very strange twist to 'make it about easing her conscience'.

There's no need to describe love in a way that makes it tawdry.

If your niece is old enough just explain that you’re thinking of them all but you done want to make a bad situation worse.
Would you go to the funeral? Only ask because I’m estranged from my father.
It’s desperate but is sometimes for the best.

When my father was dying I had some sessions with a counsellor to unpack my thoughts around this. I didn’t want to have regrets about things left unsaid. It helped me to realise there would be no regrets. Any involvement I had was to assist people who I didn’t have an issue with - like my mother. I went to the funeral for her benefit. It’s been over 20 years and I am comfortable with how I responded.

I was in this exact situation a few years ago. There were very good reasons I went NC and I (for the preservation of my own mental health) didn’t contact my sibling. They have since passed away & I have no regrets. However I have many extended family members who feel I was cruel and a bitch for not making contact. But none of them know the full extent of my reasons for going NC in the first place & I’ve now gone LC with most of them.

I would be fuming if I received this from my NC sibling! I think sending anything like that would be incredibly self absorbed.

I’m in a similar situation, except they are not currently il (that I know of).

haven’t spoken for 12 years.

I will have regrets when they die. I imagine I will find it very difficult and have a lot of guilt. But I don’t think seeing them / speaking to them beforehand would make any difference to that.

also they are angry and aggressive and would not want to see me

If I was diagnosed with a terminal illness I wouldn't want my NC family getting in touch. I want to spend that time with people I care about and that care about me, not protecting your feelings.

I'd imagine they just want to spend time with people they care about and getting their affairs in order and that they wouldn't want you creeping out of the woodwork neither. My mil was no contact with the majority of her family and asked nobody tell them about her terminal illness. Nobody said a word I don't even think they know she died years ago.

Do nothing for the moment. They've only just been diagnosed. They have enough to deal with without you reappearing all of a sudden.