NC with sibling who has terminal illness

[butter1fly]

Hi, first time poster, so sorry if it's the wrong forum. Basically, have been NC with my sibling for a few years (and LC for more years before that), and have been informed by another family member that they (my NC sibling) were just diagnosed with terminal cancer. What would you do?
I am sympathetic of course, but really really hate talking to them. (There is a reason you go NC, right?)

That makes sense. I guess it depends on each situation.

I’ve been NC with my sister for 5 years and I would feel no guilt if she passed tomorrow. I would feel nothing if she was unwell so for me, I’d have no reason to visit.

Well, if you haven't wanted to see or speak to them for all these years, I don't understand what difference their terminal illness makes. Just carry on with your own life, because this person is now irrelevant to you.

As they've requested NC or implied it by asking people not to be told I would respect that. I would imagine its very difficult for them and adding stress would not help.

Do you mean it’s the nc sibling’s child who you are close to? I think this might change things a little. How old is your nephew/niece? Do you see them a lot? Do you think it might hurt them if you didn’t visit, or hurt your relationship with them?

I think you hit the nerve here. For context, all of us are living in different countries now: my niece, her father (my sibling), her mother and myself. We don't see each other nowadays due to geographical distance, but I'm in a regular contact with my niece, who also has a very poor relationship with her father. I feel very sorry for her trying to "normalise" her daughter - father relationship, but every their conversation ends up with an argument (As she put it "he's been unhappy with me since I was born"). I'm older than her and just got tired of it all after years of trying (I was a "buffer" between him and our mother - who he was unhappy with as well - until she passed away), so just stopped contact altogether (it was always me calling anyway)
I guess, I want to protect my niece from realisation of how fucked up our family is.

No, I definitely would not go for the funeral. But my situation might be different from yours, as we live in different countries, and even logistically it would be a nightmare to do.

I really sympathise with you. It's really sad that your family members ostracised you without trying to understand your reasons. Their reaction though tells me what I suspected - that there are certain social "norms" about family that people with "normal" family sort of expect from others. You already feel like a freak in the eyes of others for not speaking to your own sibling, and if you don't act as "expected" in a more dramatic archetypal situation - like someone being on their deathbed - you are being even more judged for not being "normal".

Well, there are no "bad things" actually happened..
I guess being NC is intrinsically a bad thing and would not have occurred if tgere had not been.serious negatives.

People who've been there get it, people who don't, don't.

"It's complicated" and "he's a difficult personality" are two useful phrases. Along with "I've tried" and "he's as stubborn as an iron bar"

I'm not sure that protecting your niece is going to work in the long term though. She sees him at closer quarters than you do, and probably has an extremely good idea of how difficult he is. Trying to cover things up can do more harm than good, because then people hear one thing, see and experience another and the dissonance can be extremely hard to handle. A kind honesty can actually be more helpful in handling things in the long run.

Given what you've said after your first posts and that getting in contact is largely for your niece and other family members' sakes, it might be better to say to them that you believe he'd prefer to leave things as they are and not change them now, however sad you are that that's the situation between you.

I mean, don't write to him after all, given what you've said since, and if anyone comments, answer that you are respecting his wishes, however sad it makes you.

Anyone who pushes you beyond that is not respecting either him or you. Which does happen with family ... !

wrong thread, sigh. sorry.

Think your best support to your neice is to make her feel confident in the fact that she's ok to have boundaries..and just because someons really ill doesn't mean you have to do anything..

Maybe role model that.... The priority relationship should be between you and your neice... Have her back ....

Be confident in your choices and if you do want to do something then do so ..
Personally I wouldn't (and didn't) but think about what will be good for her...

I think this really makes it much more complex than the relatively “simple” (in comparison) matter of being nc with your brother. I do think this is definitely making your decision harder. Where is your niece currently, has she gone to see her father yet or is she still in her home country? I can understand she may need support when/if she sees him, but will her mother be there for her?

Additionally, there will also be the funeral, but I imagine that would be an easier decision for you than this one. That if your niece goes to that you’ll probably want to go to support her - as they say, funerals are for the living.

Have you spoken to your niece and asked what her plans are while her father is ill, and also what, if anything, she hopes/expects from you? I’m sorry you’re in this difficult position.

eta: if you haven’t yet actually spoken to her I think it’s something you should try to do, if you can. You say she’s younger than you, how old is she? And what is her (and your) relationship like with her mother, your sil?

I was in exactly your situation, no contact with sibling (believe me this was after decades of frankly appalling behaviour...) but still in contact with his ex partner and grown children. I supported his family, even arranged and paid for funeral, helped them as much as possible. I did so much before NC that no regrets and stepping back was never going to happen, that bridge was burnt, demolished and history. Siblings share blood but in my case little else. Forgot to add that everybody in the family was aware of what led to the NC and never questioned it and were amazed I put up with it for as long as I did, but everyone has a final straw and he pulled hard to remove it, hence NC.