Does my online friend want more or am I reading it wrong ?

[ToostieRoll]

hi, I’m looking for a little advice. After reading a thread on here I’m a bit confused about my own situation and not sure what it is or isn’t.

I’ve been friends with someone online for a couple of years now. We chat occasionally about life, things we’ve been up to, are doing, where we’ve been on holiday etc.

At the beginning it was mainly hi, how you doing kind of things, a bit of joking and banter, there’s never been anything sexual in our chats. We’ve always sent birthday, Christmas, new year greeting etc. When he went in hospital for an operation I messaged wishing him luck and checked in on him to see how he was doing. That kind of thing.

Over the past 6 months though I’ve noticed he’s become more flirty shall I say? I can’t say I noticed this before really. But there’s more hearts now and kissing emojis on my posts, comments, pictures. He always puts 2 kisses on the end of his chats to me. I hadn’t noticed that before? He also jokingly said he doesn’t have my number, so I asked if he wanted it and he said yes he’d like to. He messaged me his and I sent him mine. We haven’t texted or phoned each other though.
We chat via messenger.

I haven’t dated in a long long time. And was in a long marriage that unfortunately ended quite badly, so have not been looking or interested in anything romantic in the least.
Am I missing something here? Is he trying to see if I’m interested? He knows I’m single and he’s been divorced for many years. But we haven’t discussed anything more than that regarding relationships. He will have seen though when I changed my profile to single, which I didn’t do for a long time after separation..

This is so far out of my comfort zone, Am I reading too much into this 🥴🫪 Please help with your words of wisdom 🙏🏼

I think he is trying his hand, just gently, but I definitely feel he’s sussing out how the land lays with you.

Did his extra kisses etc on messages start around the time you changed your status to single?

In any case, I think he’s feeling the situation out. Men don’t typically put kisses on the end of messages to anyone like women do. They put them there to show a romantic interest.

We can't guess what he is after and you shouldn't either. It's immaterial.
The important thing is to think about what you want. You said you are not interested in a relationship so just carry on with whatever this is an don't give it a second thought. If you are interested in pursuing him romantically, then it may be worth thinking about the circumstances under which you met, whether it is actually feasible for this relationship to continue (do you live 500 miles apart, for instance) and whether he is who he says he is before making any decisions.

I’m sorry if I have not understood fully but is this person someone you have ever met or spoken to before?
Do we ever really know anyone that we have ever only communicated with online and not met up with face to face? I guess what I mean is having an online persona could be another persons way to escape their own real life. I don’t think there is anyway of knowing what someone’s true intentions are online if you don’t know the person and have never met up. I’ve noticed that people can act flirty but have no intentions of anything further than that too.

Who is this person?

Have you met him in real life?

How did you 'meet'/become online friends?

Has anything he has told you about himself been verified?

Do you have real life friends/support too?

Just to answer a few of your questions.
The hearts and kissing emojis etc did appear to start after the status change and there has been more interaction and ‘flirty’ style comments on my posts, pictures.

He seems like a nice, decent man. We’ve never met IRL. He does live in the same town as me and we have mutual friends in common. We’ve been ‘friends’ online for a long time but I honestly can’t remember how or why it’s been such a long time but only noticed we’ve been chatting about 2 years since I noticed his regular comments and I began interacting with him more. We’ve talked about our grown kids, work, life, etc. It’s been a very slow burn and I’ve actually thought is there a something here?

It’s only recently that I’ve noticed that I actually miss our chats when he’s not been online and started to look at the photos he’s posted when he’s been somewhere or to an event. So I don’t know if I’m starting to have feelings or just being silly 🥴

If he's bold enough to be flirty and ask for your number, why would he not have asked for an actual phone call, plus to meet in person?

A person obviously feels good when getting attention, so you missing his attention is normal. Get real with yourself if you're ready to date or not. If not, who cares if he mildly flirts if he never asks you out, if you're okay with that.

Since you have mutual friends, can you ask one of them about him? If he has a partner, if he's a player, what their opinion of him is, etc.? He could have a whole harem of online penpals for all you know. You only know what he chooses to reveal to you online. Could be the truth, could be lies, could be he leaves out a lot.

Do you have a fulfilling social life offline?

What do your mutual friends say about him?

I’m quite happy with my life tbh. I have my own place, pay my own bills and enjoy my own company. In all honesty I’ve been afraid of even contemplating dating or meeting anyone again after my marriage failed. My ex was very unpleasant, especially coming to the end, an end that came out of the blue but looking back should have come a lot sooner but he made things incredibly difficult for ne to leave him on many occasions and promised to change. It’s a long story but over now.

I keep things a lot to myself and only have a small circle of friends, mainly from work. It’s not something I’d really talk to them about. I have spoken to my dd about it and she’s always wanted me to find happiness and love. But marriage and living with someone again just isn’t for me after everything I went through, so dating seemed pointless 🤷‍♀️

This is my concern, I find it hard to trust now due to past experiences.

He’s been divorced for many years but still friendly with his ex wife and her new husband. They go to special events and celebrations together for their dd. They all seem to have a great relationship. He’s very sociable and has a large group of friends and keeps busy doing a lot of things and visiting places.

It’s true that people can show you what they want you to see. I’m a very honest person and tell it how it is. I won’t pretend to be something I’m not for someone if they ask about me, they’ll get the truth and decide if they like me as I am or not.

If this won't progress to dating, either because of your choice, his, or both, then I don't think it's very healthy for you to bond as you've been doing with him, and miss the connection should it end. If he gets a new gf, he will no longer, if he's ethical, be messaging you like he's been doing. And then that'll be negative for your psyche to put a stop to the communication cold turkey.

It's okay to be without a life companion if you're happy doing that. But you'll have to be truthful to a man pursuing you if that happens.

Do know that if you chose to date, that you can be clear that you never want to marry nor live with a man. Some men who like their own space as well would be a good match.

But yes, it's not good going into the dating world right now since you're holding onto emotional baggage. If you could date knowing you have the power to quickly release a guy if he has red flags and dealbreakers, and to feel confident when he shares your ethics and matches you in all the major ways, then you'll be in a better mindset to date. Also, when you can see that not every man will commit the same bad behavior as your ex. It's practicing resilience, knowing you'll be okay no matter how the relationship pans out. The control you have is choosing wisely when the man is a good risk to your heart when his words match his actions longterm past the honeymoon stage. Every relationship is a risk, but it's not healthy to live frozen in fear, always expecting the worst in someone. My husband (this is my 2nd marriage) was cheated on by the two main partners he had in his past, yet he's never once thought I'd do the same, so it's possible to see each new relationship as its own entity.

Take care.

As a pp said it seems like emotionally you've got attached to your online friend.

So you need to make a decision as otherwise it will be unhealthy for you as you'll be stuck in this fantasy parasocial relationship and not move on with your life.

It's very addictive following people on SM (especially if you're chatting and in touch).

It will be a safe space as it sounds like you're struggle with the idea of being hurt in real life. But you'll be stuck.

Either detach and chat less or stop chatting, or follow your curiosity.

If you're intrigued, why not ask to meet this guy (especially if you live in the same city)?

If you're regularly chatting surely you must talk about places you go out to? If he's a sociable person who does a lot I'm sure he'll be up for a quick meet.

If you have mutual friends there may be a group event or location you can all go to together.

I'd be mindful maybe he's a bit of a flirt or likes online attention and sees you as one of many, whilst you seem to be getting quite emotionally attached to him.

Or he could be a really nice guy, and another person in your social group!

If you don't hit it off in person the online friendship might disappear. Or it might not go as planned.

But people do meet friends or dates this way.

You live in the same town and have mutual friends in common, yet you have never met. How did you become friends online - through a mutual friend, or some other way?

Why have you never met up?

I’ve been friends with someone online for a couple of years now

You've never met in real life?

Do a runner. He's looking for a nurse with a purse.

Seems odd to me that you’re online friends who live in the same town, have mutual friends, and yet have never met in person.

If this chap is being flirty when he’s never laid eyes on you, he is likely not socially and emotionally capable of an adult relationship IRL.

He’s sending his heart emojis to some fantasy an idealised woman, while pretending to himself that he’s a dashing romantic hero. This is all just role play. That’s the point of it. Meeting in person would mean exposing the reality of himself and confronting the reality of you as a flesh and blood human being with needs and desires of her own. He has no interest in that.

Also, I’ve found that when male friends / colleagues / tradespeople start signing their messages with xxs or heart emojis out of nowhere, they’re either drunk or having a mid-life crisis or trying to scam me somehow.

It is 100% never a shy signalling of their nascent tender feelings for me.

Give this fellow a wide berth, and disengage a bit from the intensity of the messaging. This isn’t a real friendship if he only wants your company onscreen and at his convenience.

Why haven't you met?

He’s been divorced for many years but still friendly with his ex wife and her new husband. They go to special events and celebrations together for their dd. They all seem to have a great relationship. He’s very sociable and has a large group of friends and keeps busy doing a lot of things and visiting places.

Thr problem is that without ever actually meeting him, you have no idea whether any of this is actually true or whether it is entirely fabricated.

It is true that people meet and make friends online. It is also true that people are scammed, groomed and lied to.

Schools teach children that a friend is someone you know in real life and that someone you chat to online is a stranger - even if they think you know them. Whilst that might be overly simplistic for adults, the basic principle is the same and definitel applies if you feel you are developing feelings for someone who only exists to you on a screen.

It's a bit unusual you've never met IRL and you live in the same town. Is there a reason for this?

I would suggest getting a coffee or drink together. You might hit it off! Or you might make a nice, IRL friend. Or neither. But at least you’ll know. We can tie ourselves up in knots analysing online interactions. I totally understand the fear, it’s completely normal after what you’ve been through. Sometimes taking a deep breath and being brave is so worth it though.

Is he definitely single ? If so ask him to meet for a coffee or something and see how it goes ?

I don't detect from OP's description that the guy has been inappropriately love bombing or looking for personal 1-1 intimate discussions...

She mentioned they're in touch occasionally and that originally it was just making similar comments, presumably on something platonic they had in common?

So it seems more like a mutual slow burner thing over 2 years, with the hearts only appearing recently.

I get the vibe he hasn't been info-dumping about his ex-wife and relationship, OP has just had a nosey at his profile updates?

I'd definitely raise the stakes a bit if I was interested.... Move to phone and/or suggest a meet.

Yes one of you needs to suggest meeting for a coffee or a drink and do it. It’s odd that neither of you have done that. Why don’t you ask him today?!

😂😂