Financial fairness for sahm

[whoopdeenotdo]

Hi I have a question

I’ve been with my husband for 25 years , married for 6 .
When we met I was a house owner and he was renting . He moved into my house then we bought a house together . I put my house as a buy to let and I earn a monthly income of £500 monthly .
when we had children I returned to work 28 hours a week and we’d put everything into a shared account . I earnt more than him , all extra , not a lot tbh got put into savings .
In 2018 he got a really good position and I left work so he could work away , build his business and we had a second child .
We moved into a bigger house and renovated it . He pays for everything that’s joint and has plenty left for a holiday away with friends once a year and if I want to go away he would pay . He pays for everything and I use my money from rented house for what I class as my personal spends , meals with friends, haircut appointments etc.

when I gave up work we talked about me having a small amount to add to my pension . This has never happened . I’ve not been working for 8 years and my retirement age is coming up . Am I being unreasonable to ask my husband for an allowance and top up for my pension . He acknowledges my being at home a has given him the opportunity to build his career and I acknowledge he works hard and has given us a good life that my wage wouldn’t have matched . I was a senior practitioner in the NHS so not on minimum wage . I don’t have savings because I use leftover to keep as repairs for rented house etc

Surely you wouldnt say “had a second child” if you meant adopted?

this is all too confusing for me and the goal posts keep moving.

As per usual posters are picking over details, it is just easier to ‘prove’ the OP wrong rather than offer any actual advice. Posters often change some details to protect anonymity.

You need to sit down with him and talk about what happens in retirement, looking at your pensions and how it is going to work. Do you know what you will get from your NHS pension? What do you need to live off? When is the mortgage paid off? You need to schedule all this out and then act accordingly if you don’t have enough to live on.

Well of course.

Answer is the same, time to get a job for some financial independence for the last few years. If you used to be senior in the NHS you can get a part time
job, and if you can volunteer that means there are a few hours available for a part time job. I’d try for NHS admin roles or maybe school term time jobs

In 2018 he got a really good position and I left work so he could work away , build his business and we had a second child

Its confusing because you said your second child was born in 2018.
However, if you did finish work in 2018 you’ll have built up a pretty decent DB pension over the years, plus your house will have increased in value massively over the 25+ years you’ve owned it. So worrying about your pension is unnecessary.

Also you say he pays for everything and would happily pay for you to go on holiday. So put your personal income in your pension and use the joint money for your ‘spends’

Surely you wouldnt say “had a second child” if you meant adopted?

DC are adopted and I would say "had" them in casual conversation. I'd only say "adopted them" if it was needed for context which it rarely is.

OP - I would sell the btl and invest the money into private pension, S&S ISAs and ETFs. You also have your NHS pension and possibly State Pension. Look into the latter as you still have 7 years to make voluntary contributions and possibly buy back a few yesrs. You'll be fine.

OP, irrespective of anything, if you’re married and you don’t have enough years of NI to get a full state pension, your DH should be making it up so you’ll BOTH have a better standard of living in retirement. I assume you’ll get some pension from your time in the NHS? If you want to top up your pension, you could do so yourself - but that might mean you would go without things you enjoy. You need to point out to your DH that if he tops up your pension now, he will be contributing to a higher household income in retirement.

Ok, fair enough. Im autistic and I can sometimes misinterpret and im sorry if I’ve caused offence.

Agree with others
If the deal was DH would pay into your pension why didn’t that happen
Steps to mitigate that failure should be taken immediately
And yes. Get a job and pay as much as you can into a pension

There’s nothing magic about pension savings other than the tax relief. If you’re a non-tax payer anyway then you might as well just keep your savings in a separate ISA account. It has the same tax relief on the interest but without the restrictions around when you can access it.

I agree you should have savings in your own name though. Can you ask him next time he’s reinvesting one of the accounts if he minds putting it in your name?

Have you had a recent NHS pension statement? How many years do you have in it / when did you leave? I'm assuming it's all in the 1995 scheme? It's now deferred. You can take it at 60 or can leave it to accrue somewhat, but I would consider taking it (consider your tax position).

If you're married then you everything is considered joint / pooled - including his pension & your property. Are you both financially savvy, how old is DH? Have you done any financial or retirement planning?

@whoopdeenotdo you tell him you gave him everything form the beginning and now he is holding back . Tell him you won’t accept it anymore and you would be better off divorced and it may happen if he doesn’t open up the bank account and you have equal access to a the main account and any others .
what a pig !

With £500 a month you could have paid into your own pension. If you needed/wanted him to do it why’ve you not discussed it properly for 8 years? You say you don’t work because of your child’s needs but now you’re volunteering. If you need money can’t you sell the other house? You’ve got the rental income but want an allowance.

As others have said, the story isn’t really consistent. What’s the main thrust of your concern?

I am not sure why everyone is giving the OP such a hard time, I personally have always worked (no choice as a lone parent) but I can understand how sometimes women do give up work to take on more of the caring responsibilities. Is’t this quite a common scenario- the man supports and even encourages the woman to give up work so she can do all the stuff at home (and he doesn’t have to) but then he doesn’t really want to fully share his earnings.

So what’s your advice on how to grow her pension if he won’t pay into it?

There is no fairness or unfairness in this. It's what the two people think. Personally I wouldnt work full time to finance a non earning partner but plenty of people have this arrangement. You need to come to an agreement which is acceptable to both of you.

You don't contribute to household bills and don't work. You have £500 a month to spend on yourself. I'd say you have a fair deal. Other folk will disagree. That's why it's a personal thing.

Are you getting DLA for your child? Depending on the level this could entitle you to Carer's Allowance if your DC's needs make it too difficult for you to work.

You should also be getting Child Benefit - this is important even if it's reclaimed from your husband's tax it still builds up your entitlement to the full state pension.

You're not a SAHM for the fun of it, you're at home to care for the child who (adopted or otherwise) is your DH's responsibility as much as yours. So he needs to support your financial status - present and future - as well as his own. Whether he does that by paying into a pension or investments for you, or by paying for childcare/housework so you can work, or by him doing more childcare/housework so you can have paid employment, is something for the two of you to agree on. You need to have a serious conversation with him.

And it's a good idea to see a financial adviser together to talk through the issues that will arise as you both get older and your DC grows up. There will be things that you and he probably haven't thought of yet. It's better to hear about them together from an outsider rather than you saying "what abut...."

Ok, fair enough. Im autistic and I can sometimes misinterpret and im sorry if I’ve caused offence.

None taken on my part.

Adoptive parents (in general) just see their DC as their kids. And the children see their (adoptive) parents as Mum and Dad. Adoption is a past event that isn't relevant in most every day conversations.

Anyway, I digress!

Go back to the working?

Yeah I was doing this maths and realising it is not close to working out.

Surely the BTL is your pension pot? Just sell it when the time comes. Or keep using the rental income as your pension. Increase the rent if it’s not enough? £500 is a very low rent.

But you said you used it for meals out etc?

My pension will pay out at 60, I assume that's what the OP means?

What you say is quite confusing, you've been together a long time but only recently married and you had a child before you married(?)

So you have an unusual timeline and it really looks as if you've been making decisions one by one doing things that "feel right" at the time, rather than making a long-term plan and thinking through all those decisions together.

So it's not just about what's "fair" right now. It's time to get some professionmal advice and think through everything and do some proper financial planning together. For both of you as a couple and for your children.

I was asking the person I was quoting… as they think others have been harsh when suggesting she goes back to work.