Relationship breakdown due to incident with partners cousin

[Allafuddle]

Hi, first time posting and looking for honest advice please.
I'm in a same sex relationship, both female and mid 30's. My partner is very close to her family, especially her cousin who is known for having an awful temper when things don't suit. I had always got on ok with him, but didn't particularly like his temper.
Anyhow, one night 3 months ago, he turned his temper on me. He didn't like it one bit that I stood up to him, which made him worse. He attempted an apology a few days later, but it was a pretty poor and insulting one.

Ever since, I've not been able to even stand being in the same room as him. My partner stood up for me, but obviously doesn't want to lose touch with her cousin. It was agreed that she would keep her relationship with him seperate from me from now on.
I can see that it's changed their relationship from her point of view,and she has barely seen him since, but rightly or wrongly, I'm struggling with her wanting to keep a relationship with someone who spoke to me like that, and hasn't even had the decency to apologise properly.

She came home 3 nights ago after bumping into him, and said that she would like to start seeing him every now and then socially again, and it was nice to see him.
It brought up pretty strong emotions in me (possibly projecting from a traumatic childhood where I was surrounded by anger and aggression)

I argued that family or not, I don't understand why she would want to socially mix with someone who behaved like that towards me, and hasn't even had the respect to apologise properly.
She took this as me saying I didn't want her to have any kind of relationship with him and told me that if I felt like that then she would end the relationship as I can't dictate to her that she can't see her family.

That wasn't what I was trying to do and have never dictated that, although I have had moments where I've realised I may need to walk away myself due to how strongly I feel about her wanting to stay in touch with him. But that would be my decision, I would never throw an ultimatum like that at someone.

I just can't get past now what she said about ending things. She thinks it was a perfectly acceptable thing to say and if I'm not trying to dictate her relationship with her cousin then I shouldn't care.
I think it was an awful thing for her to say, and it has undermined everything for me. We habe been together for almost 10 years, and to he told that has really broken things for me.
I've taken it as a warning, which she thinks is stupid, but how else do you take it? To me it's shown me where I am in the pecking order of her family and everything, despite us being together years, and due to be married in 6 months time.

Am I overreacting by thinking I can't move on from that statement?
Would really appreciate someone to talk to please as.I feel pretty heartbroken right now.

Thank you

I can totally see where you are coming from but equally I can see her side. When you say you don't want her to socialize with him, I'm unclear what the difference is here to asking her not to have a relationship with him, surely that's pretty much one and the same?

I have had some issues with that, you're right. It's modelling an awful lot of behaviour I grew up with which is very triggering for me. I know that's my own issue. I know.deep down, I need to walk away as unhealthy or not, by throwing that threat out to me, she has shown I will always be second to her family regardless of what happens. I just think if you're marrying someone, you should be talking, not coming out with such destructive outbursts like that. And the fact that she even feels she will walk away, certainly shows me we shouldn't marry.

I.understand that some here think I was being controlling without realising, but to throw threats like this out there, I feel there is no way back for me now sadly, rightly or wrongly

I understand that point. I have never said to her I don't want her to see him, just that it hurts me that he behaved like that, and has made no.effort since to even try and repair things. He basically treated me like something he trod in, so yes I'm struggling that she is ok with continuing a relationship with someone who behaved like that towards me.
I get he's family, but I'm her fiance, and should be very much up there in the pecking order. In my mind, she has shown me I'm not.
I am taking on board every poster amd their thoughts. I think ultimately it may just come down to very different values of what we will accept from other people towards each other where me and my fiance are concerned sadly

Very few people actually have a 'pecking' order. It's not that simple. They take situations on a case by case, your partner may love you and want to spend time with you more than any one individual, but she's weighing up if she can allow someone to try and manipulate her in to ending relationships with her family. If anyone tried to make me chose between them and another I would always chose the other, I wouldn't allow someone to have that level of control over my life.

Thank you for that perspective.

This.

Whether or not you actually said "It's him or me", that's very much what she's taken from the situation.

And in that situation, my response would be much like OPs partners. "Well, actually, it's me. I get to make that decision, and anyone who tries to make me choose is likely to get the short end of the stick."

As others have said, speaking as a veteran of abusive relationships, this IS violence. It’s showing you a level of violence that could be meted out to you if you don’t back down/submit.

your fiancée CAN stand up for you and tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable, his apology wasn’t sufficient and until such time as he’s genuinely sorry, she’d not be welcoming him anywhere near you/her. A line could and should have been drawn. This WAS the hill to die on tbh. This could have broken the cycle of his tantrums.

hes been enabled to behave like this. Trauma Shmauma! Plenty have had bad upbringings and not gone round punching walls right next to women to scare and intimidate them ffs.

he’s got away with it again. He’ll do so again.

I think you do need to give the relationship serious thought. You can’t marry into that. If you can’t marry her, it’s not going to work out, there’s no point to staying together.

im sorry, this is hard, but she’s shown you who she is and where you stand.

If someone came at my fiancée like that, with that level of violence and aggression and failed to properly apologise for it, there’s no way I’d carry on as normal. I’d make the choice myself and choose my partner. The aggressive person has a chance to realise what they’ve done and work to rebuild trust. By me choosing the aggressor over my partner, especially with the male/female strength disparity, I know my partner would never feel safe again in their presence or trust that I’d be there for them in future.

once that trust is gone, it’s gone.
the bully could work to rebuild trust.

I think you've been quite pushy and it seems quite hard for you to step away here and let your partner make her own choices. On the other hand, I think that loyalty is very important in relationships and honestly, if this is an ongoing issue in such a long term relationship, I'd be reconsidering my relationship. Is it an option to step right away from the cousin issue for a while and seeing how it plays out, but also in terms of the bigger picture, giving yourself some time to think about whether your partner really does have your back?

You really have hit the nail on the head with how I feel, thank you. I've always said that if he'd have properly apologised and shown remorse, things would never have been the same, but I'd have moved on. But he hasn't. He frankly doesn't care.
So yes, it becomes about why my fiance is ok with me being treated like that. I've always said I don't habe a problem with her socialising with him at family events etc. I do have a problem with her going out with him one on one as to me, she's showing him that it's ok what he did.
I'm actually surprised by the amount of posters who think it's controlling to want my fiance to take that stance and show him he doesn't get to behave like that towards me.

I do understand that this experience must have been horrible, and I understand why you would like your partner to take a harder line. So sorry this happened to you - it must have been awful and his behaviour does sound inexcusable really.

However, a relationship with a cousin can be as close as a sibling and/or parent relationship. I am very close to my elderly cousin, for example, and chose to continue seeing her even though she behaved badly towards other family members who went NC with her. (Perhaps different as she wasn't violently aggressive - but what she did was still pretty bad). I was just not willing to pick sides to the extent of abandoning someone I have loved my whole life, despite her flaws.

So I do sympathise with your partner too.

It's a tough one. I don't think there are any easy or "right" answers. If you feel strongly enough, you will have to ask her to choose. But be aware that she may not choose you - this doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Perhaps her love for her cousin is such that she can't cut him off, despite how flaws.

Is there any form of compromise that could work for you? It seems a shame to lose an otherwise good relationship over this ....

I think it's past repairing tbh. We spoke this afternoon, and it's quite clear she is ready to let the relationship go and I think I am to as she does not accept at all that as jer long term fiance, I should be as.important to her as her family.
It's clear I'm not. There have been a lot of issues sadly. She has a history of lying and that has had a very negative effective as I end up questioning everything she says. The long term effects of that have had quite a devastating effect where I'm up and down all the time.
I just feel heartbroken and stunned. I can't really understand how you can go from discussing wedding stuff 2 weeks ago, to splitting up now. It makes you wonder if any of the emotions were real. I just feel very alone right now

So she did back you up and agreed he behaved appallingly and she isn’t saying you must have a relationship with him but she would like to continue having a relationship with him.

You say you don’t want to dictate who she has a relationship with but you’d prefer she didn’t want a relationship with him and you do judge her for continuing the relationship. Your partner understands this and has made it clear that she makes the call who she will and will not have a relationship with.

You need to decide if this is a hill you are willing to die on. My line personally would be if she expects you to have a relationship with him and if she would honour your choice not to.

Have you discussed whether the cousin is to be invited to your wedding?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. Have you considered counselling together? Or separately?