Relationship breakdown due to incident with partners cousin

[Allafuddle]

Hi, first time posting and looking for honest advice please.
I'm in a same sex relationship, both female and mid 30's. My partner is very close to her family, especially her cousin who is known for having an awful temper when things don't suit. I had always got on ok with him, but didn't particularly like his temper.
Anyhow, one night 3 months ago, he turned his temper on me. He didn't like it one bit that I stood up to him, which made him worse. He attempted an apology a few days later, but it was a pretty poor and insulting one.

Ever since, I've not been able to even stand being in the same room as him. My partner stood up for me, but obviously doesn't want to lose touch with her cousin. It was agreed that she would keep her relationship with him seperate from me from now on.
I can see that it's changed their relationship from her point of view,and she has barely seen him since, but rightly or wrongly, I'm struggling with her wanting to keep a relationship with someone who spoke to me like that, and hasn't even had the decency to apologise properly.

She came home 3 nights ago after bumping into him, and said that she would like to start seeing him every now and then socially again, and it was nice to see him.
It brought up pretty strong emotions in me (possibly projecting from a traumatic childhood where I was surrounded by anger and aggression)

I argued that family or not, I don't understand why she would want to socially mix with someone who behaved like that towards me, and hasn't even had the respect to apologise properly.
She took this as me saying I didn't want her to have any kind of relationship with him and told me that if I felt like that then she would end the relationship as I can't dictate to her that she can't see her family.

That wasn't what I was trying to do and have never dictated that, although I have had moments where I've realised I may need to walk away myself due to how strongly I feel about her wanting to stay in touch with him. But that would be my decision, I would never throw an ultimatum like that at someone.

I just can't get past now what she said about ending things. She thinks it was a perfectly acceptable thing to say and if I'm not trying to dictate her relationship with her cousin then I shouldn't care.
I think it was an awful thing for her to say, and it has undermined everything for me. We habe been together for almost 10 years, and to he told that has really broken things for me.
I've taken it as a warning, which she thinks is stupid, but how else do you take it? To me it's shown me where I am in the pecking order of her family and everything, despite us being together years, and due to be married in 6 months time.

Am I overreacting by thinking I can't move on from that statement?
Would really appreciate someone to talk to please as.I feel pretty heartbroken right now.

Thank you

Honestly you cannot control other people, and its sounds like a bit of manipulation on your half by wanting to dictate what your ex does with regards to her cousin.
Now I am not sure what he said to make you feel like his initial apology was not up to scratch, and a lot of people simply do not know how to apologise, but that is another matter, but you clearly want control what happens next with regards to your partner and I would always be careful there as it will in most cases end like it has.

The way you are reacting is coming across as wanting control, and I would look into that and see things from her narrative too as this can come across as you isolating her from her family and giving her an ulitmatum if she does not do as you want. That will never end nicely for anyone.

Walk away now. Your partner doesn't have your back.

I think that is the problem sadly, I don't think she has my back. I just don't see it as me isolating her from family members.
I have fantastic relationships with all.her family, and once did with her cousin as well. It appears we are very different as I can't imagine wanting to still enjoy time with a family member who had behaved so appalling towards her if the roles were reversed.
I don't feel I'm trying to dictate what she does, I know the answer is for me to walk away if I can't get past it, not to try and dictate what she does.

I appreciate the insight re the apology comment, but she admits herself it was disgusting. He basically blamed me for his behaviour, that I had caused him to react violently because he didn't like something I said. He has form sadly.

Would love other opinions though as I just don't know how to feel right now

can you give more context about his actions towards you please? Are we talking shouting or did he punch you?

She has made it very clear where her allegiance lies. She’s not treating you like her life partner.

@Allafuddle
I agree with your gf. Even if you didn't use the words - do not see you cousin, the meaning behind what you said is you wanting her to chose you over her cousin, in general. And to cut out her cousin.

This is controlling and really unnecessary. And it's really about your own issues.

You don't like the cousin fine. You had an argument, he said something. Apologized. You didn't like the apology and don't want to see him again. Again, fine - for YOU. But demanding your partner now shuns him is really OTT. This is just causing drama and being a needy child on your end.

Hi, he wasn't physically violent. Alot of shouting, swearing and slamming his fists against the door I was standing next to.

It’s difficult to judge without knowing what happened and the lead up to it.

You may not have said the words directly but you are essentially giving her an ultimatum. If you can’t get passed this (and it’s fine if you can’t) and allow her relationship with him not to influence yours then you need to walk away for both your sakes.

I would never forgive someone who treated me or anyone I loved in this way. I'm so sorry, @Allafuddle, but in your position I would split up with my fiancée over this.

I'd walk away.

Who is that close to cousins, anyway?

I appreciate that, but if I gave more detail it would be outing, and I don't really want that.
My partner herself has said he was 100% in the wrong amd fell out with him herself about how dare he speak to me like that.
I really wasn't in the wrong with what prompted his outburst, but appreciate that's hard to accept here without knowing details

But they are also very used to accepting his outbursts , and carrying on as normal, and I'm viewed as being daft that I can't.

They are like siblings to be fair, after a pretty traumatic childhood drew them together more than most cousins

I don’t think a partner has the right to dictate that family members be cut off indefinitely for the sake of one incident.

You say he tried to apologise and that your partner stood up for you. If those things aren’t good enough for you then it turns into a you problem, and you therefore need to accept that your partner won’t see it the same way as you.

By cutting contact for a while your partner has shown that she understands her cousins behaviour was unacceptable but if they’re close then it has probably been that way since they were children. She already agreed to keep her relationship with him away from you. They share a family and it is very self centred of you to try and change things and stop her having a relationship with her cousin. If you don’t like the situation, walk away, don’t try and manipulate your partner as if she is doing something wrong.

That's physically violent though.Punching the doorframe next to you? Out of order.
I know for a fact if one of my husbands relatives behaved like that to me I wouldnt have to ask him to cut him out, he'd make that decision for himself.

I agree with this OP. You ARE giving an ultimatum, you’re just phrasing it differently. Your gf has simply been more direct.

You are giving her an ultimatum, you just have different ways of saying the same thing.

And speaking plainly if you have both had traumatic pasts, you would benefit from some counselling rather than letting the awfulness of the past spoil your future.

Lots of people are close to their cousins!

I'm afraid some of what you have said comes across as controlling, inferring that she should cut her cousin loose. You have been with your partner for 10 years and she's had a very close relationship with her cousin for a lot longer. Can you have a civilised conversation with her, without demands or ultimatums? You have every right to say you don't want to socialise with her cousin but you can't demand that of her. Surely it would be better to come to some resolution with the cousin too.

i think its difficult to comment without knowing the extent of the incident with you and the cousin.

VERY abusive aggressive behaviour from him!!

It sounds as if she will never give this guy up no matter what he does or says. He is her priority and you are only second place. Sorry, OP, not sure there is any way back from this. You can't control her actions but you can certainly control your own.

It sounds to me like you were trying to dictate her relationship with her family, even if it was covertly. I'd be more hurt if I was your girlfriend in this situation. You are trying to stop her relationship with her cousin, even if you're denying it.

She took this as me saying I didn't want her to have any kind of relationship with him and told me that if I felt like that then she would end the relationship as I can't dictate to her that she can't see her family.
That wasn't what I was trying to do and have never dictated that

But it was exactly what you were trying to do.

I am getting the feeling here that part of your discomfort has to do with the family just ignoring these tantrums and moving on as if nothing happened. It’s never been an issue for you in the past as his temper wasn’t directed at you. I think it’s more than just this incident. It’s the whole family and their unhealthy willingness to ignore nasty behavior. You feel like your partner has chosen him over you. What she’s actually doing is modeling the unhealthy family behaviors she’s always known. I think you will need counseling together to get on the same page here.