What does friends with benefits mean if you are exclusive?

[Mylifehasimploded]

What is a FWB?
I met someone through Facebook dating, met for a date and we got on really well. Date 2 ended up with us having sex. Arranging date 3, and he wants to come to mine. A few texts back and forth and he said he would like “FWB to start with”, but he doesn’t want to see anyone else, and nor is he looking. So, is FWB just no strings sex? But then he wants to be monogamous and not look for anyone else, so there are strings attached.
i don’t want to ever live with anyone again, a LAT (living apart together) is my preference if i had to choose, and i think i have an anxious attachment style so i need to understand what FWB really is. Help please!

My husband was a Navy vet and I know and have worked with lots of active duty military. There were plenty of party hards, but there were also a lot of men who were quite happily married.

If you're worried about domestic violence, do a Claire's Law request.

If he moves into his own place, that's a good sign.

But honestly, I don't think you can expect a casual FWB to be faithful. FWB is a stopgap measure, no commitment, and could end at any time.

Can you date him with no commitment given your attachment style?

Why do you think this, if you wanted to and enjoyed yourself? I seriously doubt it would have changed his outlook if you'd waited 2 dates or 20 to sleep with him. If you don't want to continue with the arrangement as he's put it to you then don't, just remember it for what it was, no point beating yourself up.

and the 2nd I stupidly slept with him. I regret that now so much,

Why would you regret it?
You had a good time and sex is good for the body and mind.

FWB is different for everyone and so I would forget about actual labels and just be really explicit about exactly what you want and what they want.

It sounds like he just wants to meet up for sex, whereas you want more of a companionship/friendship as well as sex.

I think you want an actual relationship but just no kids etc which is pretty common in many relationships.

I want, eventually, living apart together with someone. I won’t risk my home, and I won’t involve my children….which is sounding kinda casual I know 😂 but I want to go on dates, to have fun, to get to know someone. He’s so low effort he doesn’t want that, and men who like you make the effort.

He doesn’t want a relationship. We don’t discuss financial things, housework, living together, the future etc

My former fwb, now just a friend doesn't want a long term partner, doesn't want to live with anyone, didn't want children and at the age of 60 will never change his mind.

Me, I've had a marriage and a couple of long term relationships that have ended and to be honest I'll never do that again. If my former fwb again becomes a current fwb then I'll be fine with that as I don't want and I'm not making any effort to meet any new, potential boyfriend/partner ever again.

@TroysMammy I wish I had your mindset. I also don’t want anything like living together/marriage again. I think I just want someone to love me 😢
in the last 6 years I’ve lost my husband to his affair partner (18 month affair), he had spent all of our joint money £70k, and took £200k from his pension to stop me receiving any. Left me with 2 children and a few dogs and hasn’t been seen since. My father turned out to be a paedophile and so he was cut off along with any family who defended him. My whole life has been a lie, both pretended to be something they weren’t and so my male influences have been the worst of the worst. And when I do chance it and meet someone he just wants sex. I should have just kept myself to myself and not made myself vulnerable. It’s much safer alone.

OP- you are vulnerable emotionally but I’ve been in similar shoes and the only advice I have is to try to live in the moment, trust your gut, and protect your independence fiercely, as you already are.
Ive got a FWB, no idea really what we are to each other but its lasted a long time and the friendship is as important as the sex.
All depends on the man.

It means he wants to be able to fuck you whenever he wants without putting any effort or commitment into it.

Yes but he doesn't want you to be with anyone else as he wants the " girlfriend experience" when he's with you.

So, I went out Saturday with a friend and afterwards was messaging FWB, and he got all jealous that men were giving me attention, that I must be insecure. He asked if we chatted to any men and I answered honestly.
so Sunday, I messaged and said I didn’t think it would work, he never seemed happy in our texting interactions etc and wished him well. He persuaded me not to end it, and he came over Monday. We had sex, he left, and I’ve hardly heard from him since. Feel a tad stupid because I was ok about ending it Sunday after he went on about talking to men. Now I’m all confused again, so I’ve deleted his number. I’m too old for this crap. I was ok by myself, in fact it was easier and I felt safer emotionally.

I hate to say told you so but I did 🤷‍♀️

Oh OP, you said it wasn't going to work, and he convinces you see him, and he fucks and runs to humiliate you. This man was a walking red flag. Have you thought about the Freedom Programme or equivalent after the awful time you had with your ex? Vulnerable women with children are like catnip for wrong'uns.

Oh I know, I was stupid. Another life lesson, been through much worse though, so it’s all ok. I did the freedom programme when my ex did what he did but it was during Covid.

So he didn’t appreciate being dumped so he played some mind fuckery on you to get a shag and be the one to end it. It’s win win for him.

basic rule for future dating - confusion = no

you will not be confused about the intentions of the love of your life. If someone is giving confusion, it’s a hard no to dating them. Be brave and just cut it off as soon as you sense it.

That’s absolutely what he did. He’s blocked and deleted now. I’m a fool.

I thought you ended it on the Friday? That is what you came here and told us but then you start messaging him after you've had a bit to drink on Saturday?
And then message him again on Sunday when apparently you were sober?
Then he comes over for a shag on Monday?

Why did you do this to yourself?

He messaged me Saturday, he knew I was going out, this continued through Sunday. I had deleted his number, unfortunately I hadn’t blocked him, and so he was able to message me. He’s now deleted and blocked, and blocked on FB dating (which I’ve also come off).
He’s a twat and I am a twit, or vice versa.

Sounds a bit like he just wants to have his cake and eat it. Have sex with you and say he's wants to be exclusive, but he's got an eye out on who else is out there in case he now wants to be exclusive with them (or FWB with them now), then tell you it was always just FWB with you. Keeping his options open.